IN on National Coming Out Day: We must break free from this slavery of love.

I have been so down lately, bordering on depressed.  Many individuals use this word lightly but I’ve been here once before, and I can assure you, I know the difference between depression and ‘the blues.’  To my defense, in late August, I lost my grandmother who had lived across the street from me for most of my life.  I have not been right since.  Being far away from my family in a place where Jo and I cannot be a real couple has increased the emotions.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and I am very aware that my writing has been a stream of negative energy involving a discussion of things we don’t have.  I have the love of my life.  I have my health.  And I am finally putting myself out there as a writer.  However, I can’t help but feel invisible.  In essence, I am.

I’ve been swimming against the current for weeks but have had my head above water until the events of last weekend.  I wasn’t overly optimistic about what the President would say at Saturday’s HRC event; however, I suppose I expected more than just the ‘same old, same old.’

I should add the disclaimer: I’m an illegitimate military spouse. No matter what Obama says that may be positive to others, until I have a clear understanding of his timeline regarding Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, I will not be happy.  Yes, President Obama once again eloquently stated that he would get rid of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  He indicated that he is with the gay community in that fight.  But President Obama couldn’t begin to understand this fight from the inside.  He doesn’t know how Jo and I feel as we begin to discuss future deployment and what that will mean for our family.    He doesn’t know what it is like to be invisible.

In regards to the Hate Crimes Bill, President Obama said, “Together we will have moved closer to that day when no one has to be afraid to be gay in America.  When no one has to fear walking down the street holding the hand of the person they love.”

Ironically, this is the feeling Jo and I experience each and every day as a gay couple in the military.

Then, last Sunday was National Coming Out Day.  Although I should be proud to have an amazing partner that I plan to spend my life with, this year’s Out day was extremely difficult for me.    It was my first as a closeted gay American.  I had friends texting from the National Equality March in DC saying they missed Jo and I.  God, did I miss them too.

According to the National Park Police (NPS), there were approximately 200,000 attendees at the Gay Rights Rally. I sat in my living room, box of tissues in hand, as I watched the coverage, speech-by-speech on CSPAN.  David Mixner, Democratic Political Strategist and author, was the first individual to bring on my waterworks.

He pointed out that there are different rights for the LGBT community than the rest of the country.  Urging President Obama to lead Congress and not be led by congress, Mixner suggested Obama end the funding for the prosecution of DADT.  As Mixner asked how many more tears will be shed until the politicians in some back room decide to join our fight for freedom, I shed more tears of my own.

Believe me, this is not the first time I’ve sat alone while Jo is at work feeling sorry for myself, but watching this rally reminded me of all that we don’t have.  How am I supposed to remain positive while there is so much to fight for?

Dan Choi, Army Combat Veteran of the Iraq War who was dismissed under DADT, also spoke at the rally.  I am so thankful for this man and his understanding of what we go through.    After ripping tape from his mouth, he said something that has been with me all week.  I struggled with sharing my depression with all of you, but it is the reality of the situation we are in, so here I am, sharing myself.

Choi said, “You are a slave to the one you love.”  Despite this fact, he went on to encourage, “Love is worth fighting for, love is worth it.”  He shouted to the group on the mall and into my quiet living room, “I am telling…will you tell with me?”

As much as I want to lie in bed and feel sorry for our community, and myself, I need to stand up and Tell.   I need to shake off this negativity and continue my fight.   We must break free from this slavery of love.

The Closet (with room for four)

I keep a box of old journals in our office to use for motivation while writing my novel.  Last night, I came across an entry I wrote a few weeks after Jo received her first active duty assignment. I was so worried prior to our big move.  It is fantastic to look back and see how far I've come in just a few months.  My worry has transformed into motivation and conviction to use my voice as an instrument of change.

Spring 2009

Dear Journal,

Having screwdrivers at the Tiki Bar, I met the woman of my dreams. Honestly, I’d been calling myself bi-sexual for years and had one girlfriend previously.  But on a hazy summer day, this girl set me on a determined lesbian path.  Everyone knew I had ‘tendencies’ but once Jo and I had our first date, I proudly waved my gay flag.

I explained to friends, “No, I really don’t miss men!”  Over Blue Moons at TGI Fridays, I told my mother, “Yes, I am sure.” More importantly, I assured her, “I have never been happier.”  Jo and I avoided the U-Haul for our first blissful year; however, I did receive a puppy for my birthday (around our 10^th month.)  Eventually, we moved in, combined books and danced barefoot in our kitchen to Sinatra.

Our first real hurdle as a couple came in the form of Jo’s first Military assignment.  We did not expect the assignment given; it is far from our families and we will know no one.  BOOM.  The Navy throws a wrench in our plans.  My real problem is not with the location; I fear the complete lack of community.  With this destination, we have many new obstacles to consider.  No friends to come over and allow us to be loud and proud in the privacy of our home.  The minute the additional miles entered the equation, the idea of long distance flew out the window.

Closet walls are re-appearing in my happy gay bubble. I see what the Navy has done for my girlfriend’s career and I know her descison is what’s best for our family; yet, I’m faced with a high level of uncertainty by committing to the future I so badly desire.  I’m supposed to be ok with it all, but I’m scared as hell. I didn’t sign up for this.  We never do I guess; we just fall in love.

But all you need is love, right?  I hope the universe brings me a walk-in closet, large enough to fit my beautiful Gay family.

What are they doing in the White House?

As I've mentioned, I spent last week cleaning up and clearing out.  In the process, I found my HOPE poster from last fall.  You know the one I'm talking about; all of us die hard Obama lovers had them.  Jo and I displayed Hope in our front foyer throughout the election, and kept our Hope displayed right up until we moved.  

Well, here we are. Almost one year, post election and Hope has just been collecting dust in the closet.  I can't help but notice the parallels for the Hope we had for this new and different presidency. And the irony that my hope is In the Closet with the rest of me.

I just did an article for LGR on the latest from James Jones, President Obama's national security advisor.  His comments are hopeless.

Read "Jones on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Obama “has an awful lot on his desk”" on LezGetReal.


10/5/09-by Isabell James

Gay civil rights for the United States military is just another thing on the President’s desk.

Yesterday on CNN’s “State of the Union,” James Jones, President Obama’s national security advisor, said Obama “has an awful lot on his desk. I know this is an issue [Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell] that he intends to take on at the appropriate time. And he has already signaled that to the Defense Department. The Defense Department is doing the things it has to do to prepare, but at the right time, I’m sure the president will take it on.”

Jones indicated the President will focus “at the right time” on how to overturn the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ban on gays serving openly in the military. “I don’t think it’s going to be – it’s not years, but I think it will be teed up appropriately,” James Jones said.

Well, us gays will just wait for the President to put on his Sunday jeans and “tee off” on the gay rights issue he seemed so boisterous about during last year’s election.

Is there any light in this dark tunnel? Yes. Thank you Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid(D-Nev.) In a letter written on September 24^th, Reid asked Obama and Defense Secretary Robert Gates for a review of the cases of two U.S. officers who were discharged from the military for being gay. Reid said, “At a time when we are fighting two wars, I do not believe we can afford to discharge any qualified individual who is willing to serve our country.”

The House is considering legislation to repeal “don’t ask, don’t tell” and allow people who have been discharged under the policy to rejoin the military. Obama supported repealing the law throughout his campaign; however, action is not expected until early 2010. The White House has said it will not stop the military from dismissing gays and lesbians who acknowledge their sexuality.

634 members of the military were discharged for being gay in 2008, according to an Aug. 14 congressional report. Imagine if they lost all 65,000 gay servicemembers in the next couple of years? I bet that would be a pretty big item on Barack’s desk.

Random Ramblings: Fall Cleaning

I know I have been slacking!  But in my defense, I have completed our unpacking.  Sweaters and sweatshirts are officially available for use (not that I'm saying one way or the other if we are in a climate where sweaters are needed.)

Anyhoo, I've organized, cleaned, vacuumed, and decluttered our little home. I admit this came about due to a small (very small- thank you, God) infestation of fleas.  Once I began, I was maniacal.  Damn, does it feel good; my mind cleansed and my body aches.  I implore each of your to take a little time before the holiday season and get your life in order. It is surprising how this obsessive compulsive task will help pave the way for a solid road of productivity.

More to come later today, I'm feeling so inspired by my lemon and bleach scented home.

Navy Wife Goes Viral

Good Morning from Navyland. ( I need to make up a fictitious location; I am too detail-orientated to leave so many facts about our home out.)  First, and foremost:  I wanted to update you on the goings on...I've been a busy bee.

I've been asked to write for LGR:LezGetReal.
Visit the site.

My first two articles are linked and pasted below.

You can also now follow me on Twitter!
Follow Me.
(I'm very new to this but it is kind of addicting.)

Finally, Facebook:
Friend Me.

Following My Heart… Into the Closet: A Gay Navy Wife and DADT

Visit LGR to View Article

At the end of June, I quit my lucrative job with great benefits and vacation time. I packed up our studio and planned a night out to say farewell to family and friends. I left my very OUT life to go back in the closet; I did this for love. I followed my heart and my partner, Jo, who is serving active duty in the military.

In this closeted journey, there are good and bad days. Sometimes Jo is home for a long weekend, other nights I’m all alone wishing I could join one of the many groups for military wives. Up until now, I’ve documented our experience via my personal blog. This will be my first opportunity to reach a large-scale audience. Today is a good day and a great step in my plight for equal rights.

According to the Urban Institute, there are at least 65,000 gay Americans serving active duty. Another 13,000 have been discharged since 1994 under the DADT policy. Unfortunately, the number of invisible partners and children remains completely undetermined.

Although thrilled to speak on behalf of other closeted military spouses, I am also petrified. My family and friends share my fears. Everyone asks, “What does Jo think about ‘going public’?”

I questioned her this morning over blueberry pancakes.

“I’m deleting my Facebook,” she joked. Looking at me with those warm eyes I fell in love with, she added “I’m very proud of you. You’re not just telling our story; you are sharing the story of so many. You need to do this, Izzy. There are couples who have been living like this for decades. It’s time the silence is broken.”

With Jo’s blessing, I would like to introduce myself to the LezGetReal community. I’ve been asked to report on DADT but I must warn you, I am not your typical reporter. While I will bring you breaking news coming off Capital Hill, I also plan to share an inside perspective of the discrimination we face on a day-by-day basis.

The Washington Post/ABC News conducted a poll in July 2008, which found that 75 percent of Americans favor allowing gays to serve in the military. For a country engrossed in the gay marriage debate, why is there not a louder discussion, a stronger push for President Obama to follow through on his campaign promise to repel DADT.

While Jo and I sit and anxiously await news from Congress and the Pentagon, she could lose her job just for being associated with me. I’m not talking about holding my hand or making out at a gay club (although those are obvious reasons for discharge). She cannot be prosecuted for her gay ‘status;’ however, any evidence of homosexual conduct could get her discharged. ‘Evidence’ could include personal letters, emails, or even ownership of gay-themed DVDs. I guess I should burn our L Word collection?

Everyone affected by DADT has been too afraid to talk about it. Jo was recently in a discrimination workshop led by the military. The moderator asked for examples of discriminatory policies. One woman boldly responded, “Homosexuality.” The moderator gasped, “Wow. Yes. This is the first time anyone has ever said that.”

Jo and I were appalled but not shocked. Why would anyone mention such a taboo subject? The woman who shared her opinion openly was able to do so because she is in a heterosexual marriage.

Harvey Milk once said, “The only ways we’ve ever made advances are when we’ve named the dream. Not the crumbs, not the little pieces around the edges. You have got to name the dream, or you’ll never get it.”

My dream is equal rights for ALL of our servicemen and women. I am not simply addressing the freedom to be out. They should also have the right to care and provide for their loved ones, the same rights as their straight counterparts.

And secretly, my dream is to kiss my (wo)man in uniform just like any other military wife.

Dear Michelle: A Letter From A Gay Navy Wife

Visit LGR to View Article

I’m passionate about this cause, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell-well actually, gay rights, in general. However, I have never been one to write letters. I didn’t send it yet; I’m considering it. Jo is working long hours now so I need to discuss it with her when she gets home.

Today, I read something in Jo’s copy of Navy Times that really inspired me…

So I got my butt in gear and wrote this letter… Comments are welcomed.

Dear Ms. Obama,



Michelle. I’m sorry to call you Michelle; I mean no disrespect. I am one of your biggest fans.

I have been so inspired and driven because of you and your husband. I am Isabell James, a lesbian navy “wife” (we can’t make it official because my partner could be fired for trying to buy me a diamond.) As a fellow woman, wife, driven professional, and lover of civil rights, I ask you to empathize. We need your help.



In this week’s Navy Times*, it was reported that Navy and military officials are “moving out aggressively” in an attempt to end the ban on women aboard submarines. I’m hoping things go well. The article is hopeful but the last quote is a punch to the gut.



Ian Dent, who served for 23 years on Trident submarines, told the New York Times, “I can tell you emphatically that placing women on submarines would destroy the tight-knit cohesiveness necessary for the smooth operation of a submarine.”



Doesn’t that argument sound familiar?



I keep forgetting women are not equals in the military. Neither are homosexuals. It seems like such an odd argument to be having in 2009 with a black man leading our nation for the first time in history. I didn’t realize my girlfriend couldn’t serve on a sub. If I do say so myself, that sucks.

The end of this ban is a step in the right direction on behalf of the military ending discriminatory policies. Maybe you can point the article out to Barack over dinner (the girls might enjoy it too… I think it is a big step for all women to know about.) I hope he finds this possible change indicative of things to come for the military.



And perhaps he could say something about gay military rights one day soon to inspire this little gay community (all 65,000-plus family) who loved him so much last November? We’re on the edge of our seats over here. Give us something to keep from falling off.

Sincerely,



Izzy 
Desperate Lesbian Housewife