Christmas Gift from my Navy Wife

Although I call myself a Navy 'Wife,' Jo and I are not married.  We can't be.

Prior to the big move, we came to explore our new base.  Jo wanted to document the occasion and the next step in our lives with a gift. My first piece of Navy apparel: a sweatshirt emblazoned with "Navy Girlfriend." That is all I am and all I can ever be until the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy is overturned.

Ironically, we bought the Girlfriend gift during the same weekend Barack Obama was in Washington, DC being inaugurated as the first Black president.  Jo and I hoped within a year's time, perhaps we could legally upgrade to the next level of sweatshirt: wife.  But here we are, almost one full year later, living an active duty life, and I'm still wearing Girlfriend across my heart.

I received an early Christmas gift that may, quite possibly, be more special than the standard diamond ring.  In honor of my blog's one year anniversary and my role in her life, Jo presented me with my very own "Navy Wife" apparel.  Although I can't walk down the aisle with Josephine to make it official, in the comfort of our home and the safety of the blogosphere, I am just as much of a wife as all of those women on base.  And maybe next year, the change will finally come. Thankfully, next year is right around the corner and hope is hanging in the closet.

Request to Pentagon for Monthly Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Reports

Perhaps it’s this time of year, but I feel dizzy with Love and brimming with Thanks.  Everywhere I turn (on the news, of course), it seems someone is speaking on behalf of our peaceful, loving community.  We are so blessed to have dynamic individuals looking out for our rights and campaigning for our equality. I am thrilled to report yet another ally.  This man is doing great things for the closeted gay military (which you know is a subject near and dear to my heart.)

Congressman Jim Moran sent a letter, signed by 96 Members of Congress, on December 18^th to Robert Gates, Secretary of Defense. Moran requested monthly reports of service members discharged in 2009 under the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy. These reports would detail rank, branch, and time in service. Moran asked the Office of the Secretary of Defense to provide all DADT data from January 1, 2009 until the present; the deadline is January 15, 2010.  

Congressman Moran urges for the exposure of DADT discharge data in order to show the loss of national defense and level of waste in taxpayer dollars. Since DADT began, more than 13,500 service members have been lost, at a deficit of over $400 million.  

For some, I'm sure this seems like a small step. However, to those of us that sit quietly in the closet, this request might as well be a pep rally.  Americans-gay, straight, military or civilian- need to truly understood the determent of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  And when they do, perhaps then, change will come.

The following letter was sent to the Pentagon on December 18, 2009:

Dear Secretary Gates: 

We write today with regards to the current prohibition on openly gay and lesbian service members in the military, commonly known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT). 

This discriminatory policy results in the Department of Defense losing tens of millions each year in unrecoverable recruiting and training costs. The 2006 Blue Ribbon Commission’s report on DADT found that the Pentagon wasted over $360 million due to this policy from 1994 until 2003, the last year studied. Since its enactment in 1994, over 13,500 service members have been discharged under DADT, including 730 mission critical soldiers and over 65 Arabic and Farsi linguists vital to the war on terrorism. 

To increase transparency on the effects the DADT policy is having on our military and by extension our national defense, we request that the Office of the Secretary of Defense provide data on the current number of DADT discharges since January 1, 2009 to the present, no later than January 15, 2010. In addition, we request monthly reports thereafter to Congress detailing the number of enlisted service members and officers discharged under the policy including their job specialty (MOS), time in the service and branch of the military.  Through these monthly updates, Congress and the public will get a clearer picture of the continued costs and damage to our national security inflicted by this policy. 

We appreciate your attention to this matter and look forward to a timely response.

                                                Sincerely,

                                                James P. Moran

From the Press Room at the Palm Center

The original letter sent to Secretary Gates can be found here.

Lesbian Navy Love

Thanks to Paula (my editor at LezGetReal) for finding this photo...amazing!!! 

But I will offer some visual, Jo is a bit more feminine:)

Sue Fulton of Knights Out Against Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Although it affects Jo and I on a daily basis, my own grandfather isn't 100% in favor of repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Hence, I am grateful when someone agrees that the code is ludicrous. Especially when this someone graduated from the US Military Academy, served for five years in the Signal Corps in Germany, as a platoon leader, staff officer, and company commander and openly speaks out against Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

This woman on our side is Sue Fulton.  The Sunday morning guest on Rainbow Radio co-founded Knights Out and currently acts as their Communications Director.  Knights Out is an organization of LGBTQ West Point alumni with 75 graduates who are OUT.  There are another 150 graduate supporters including former West Point professors, Rhodes Scholars, decorated combat veterans from the Vietnam War, Iraq and Afghanistan, and many others who are coming out and serving their country in a new way.

Knights Out takes a firm stance against Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  From the West Point Cadet Prayer, the organization's mantra states "..never to be content with a half-truth when the whole truth can be won."  Fulton understands our plight for equality in its true form.  Fulton described Knights Out's mission as a statement of honor.  They strive for full equal rights for gays in the military and the opportunity to stand up and tell the truth.

Despite her active role in Don't Ask, Don't Tell reform, Fulton discussed her previous experience as a lesbian in the military. Fulton painted a sad picture of closeted lesbian life at West Point and the lifestyle that proceeded as an active duty soldier. She was investigated in the early 1980s due to false accusations by a homophobic commander.  Although the charges were dropped, Fulton described the agony she experienced during the investigation.  It still " haunts her "that she was forced to lie about her sexual preference.  When Daniel Choi came out earlier this year (Choi is a co-founder of Knights Out), Fulton finally experienced some liberation.

Fulton was optimistic that the initial repeal of DADT could take place within the next year.  With her on our side, perhaps she might be right.

Listen to the PODCAST 
Learn more about KNIGHTS OUT
Read more from Navy Wife

GUEST BLOG: Engaged in the Garden State

I typically stick to discussion of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but with all of the recent marriage events, I feel I can't sit quiet much longer.  Jo and I will not legally marry until DADT is repealed; therefore, marriage has not been my top issue.  But let's face it, most of us dream of walking down the aisle to wedded gay bliss; and we may never get the full legal chance.

I have an old friend in New Jersey who was engaged long before there was even a civil union option. The Garden State was due to vote on gay MARRIAGE this past Thursday, yet they pushed back the vote.

TJ was filling me in on the details over a nice little Facebook chat.  I thought we could all learn a something from her story, and I've asked her to share with you...

Engaged in the Garden State

I'm pretty confident that most would say I’ve led a charmed life.  Born and raised in a perfect little nook on the Jersey Shore (just north of the fist pumping and hair gel), I arrived from a definition nuclear family.  My coming out story was about as close to a fairy tale as you’d expect.  There were some small bumps along the way, but only because I didn’t know how to properly stand up for myself yet.  

Fast forward to nine years and a handful of lesbian relationships later- we have a politically obsessed, civil rights on the brain, bitter and frustrated, open-endedly engaged, TG.

So what’s it like being gay and engaged in New Jersey? 

My fiance, Sasha, is probably one of the most independent and opinionated people I know.   Surprisingly, though, when it comes to politics she is a little apathetic.   This works out pretty well for us.  I do the research and form my opinions and then I rant them to her.  Some of them stick and later on I hear her repeat them with conviction and I get all warm and fuzzy inside.  

For a year or two we were happy to just be engaged.  We got diamond rings for each other and talked about bits and pieces of what our wedding would be like.  We continuously deflected all of the questions about setting the date with the reply of “we want to wait until its legal”.  After a while, some bitterness set in and our responses began to get more and more negative.  We’ve even watched (straight) friends get engaged after us and marry before us.

A couple of years ago, New Jersey made a peace offering by legalizing civil unions for same sex couples.  We opted not to get one.  To me, right from the get go it reeked of second class treatment.  My thoughts were:  If it is equal to a marriage, then why not call it a marriage?  We all know that separate but equal doesn’t work, so I’ll save my Brown v. Board of Ed. rant for another time and place.  

The NJ Civil Union Act was enacted in February of ‘07 and within a year the Civil Union Review Commission deemed it as a failure.   One point for me.  Still no marriage for me, though.

In the time since this failure was noted, a Same Sex Marriage Bill has been written and just this past week was given the go ahead by the Senate Judiciary Board to be pushed through to an official Senate vote.  The vote was supposed to take place on Thursday, December 10th, but was postponed at the last minute.  Sponsors of the bill believed that they didn’t have adequate vote support in the Senate for it to pass.  

Next month, New Jersey will have a new, Republican governor, Chris Christie.  Mr. Christie publicly opposes gay marriage and has vowed to veto the bill if it reaches his desk.   Our lame duck governor, Jon Corzine, has on the other hand, vowed to sign the gay marriage bill when and if it lands on his desk.   So here we are, with 2009 winding down and Governor Corzine’s reign coming to an end, lobbying our gay fannies off to get the NJ State Senators to understand that equality is essential all within the next 3 weeks.  The alternative? Four more years of engagement.  I think I’ll lobby.

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

So often, since we moved and embarked on this Navy adventure, I hop on my blog and rant about all of the things that are missing from our our life.  Wow, have I had a reality check these past few weeks.

I've always been a sucker for the holiday season, but this year the holidays have been particularly special. I thought Thanksgiving would be difficult as it would be the first for Jo and I without our 'family.' However, the day arrived and I began to realize as we grow, so does our definition of family. Without the presence of our extended family members, Jo and I truly embraced the start of this new chapter for the McCafferty-James clan. We have so much to be thankful for, many blessings to count and most importantly, each other.

Thanksgiving morning began with puppy kisses to be grateful for.  It was a beautiful day off with my sweetheart.  We spent the morning watching the parade and preparing for a feast at our friend's house.  We iChatted with family back home and Facebooked loved ones, near and far.   I certainly missed my Grandmother on this first holiday without her, but the day reminded me that we must keep making memories to cherish.

Black Friday has been a tradition in our home for as long as Dad's been carving the turkey.  This would be my first without Mom and sisters in tow.  Again, the day was cherished and the outlets still divine.  Jo and I shopped through the night, texting my family as we found beautiful sweaters for $10 and toys to send to the nieces and nephews.  It is amazing how much technology can keep you together when you are away.

As we installed our new blue ray and crashed on the couch to watching a new $9 DVD, I counted my blessings instead of sheep. As a lesbian Navy wife, I sometimes forget to stand back and remember all that we do have.  We, as a family (all gays, not just Jo and I) have come a long way.  I am confident we will see the day when our rights are equal in this country, but for TODAY, let us be thankful for how blessed we already are.

Commander's Orders: Obama sends 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan

I don't understand what this man is doing.  Maybe I'm speaking completely from the heart but why can't we just get the fuck out of there???? For those of you that might have somehow missed it President Obama has agreed to send more troops.  In an address to the nation this evening, he announced, "And as Commander-in-Chief, I have determined that it is in our vital national interest to send an additional 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan."  You can read the full speech HERE.

I met a young lesbian, Kitty, tonight, who is dating a women stationed with Jo.  Kit came over with our puppy sitter.   It's amazing how the universe can bring you a new friend during a time when you both might need one.  Her sailor is set to deploy next December.  We don't know anything about Jo's fate with the military yet.  I was desperately hoping our President would say the exact opposite of what he did.

Just needed to vent to the world...more tomorrow when I've calmed down.