Christmas Gift from my Navy Wife

Although I call myself a Navy 'Wife,' Jo and I are not married.  We can't be.

Prior to the big move, we came to explore our new base.  Jo wanted to document the occasion and the next step in our lives with a gift. My first piece of Navy apparel: a sweatshirt emblazoned with "Navy Girlfriend." That is all I am and all I can ever be until the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy is overturned.

Ironically, we bought the Girlfriend gift during the same weekend Barack Obama was in Washington, DC being inaugurated as the first Black president.  Jo and I hoped within a year's time, perhaps we could legally upgrade to the next level of sweatshirt: wife.  But here we are, almost one full year later, living an active duty life, and I'm still wearing Girlfriend across my heart.

I received an early Christmas gift that may, quite possibly, be more special than the standard diamond ring.  In honor of my blog's one year anniversary and my role in her life, Jo presented me with my very own "Navy Wife" apparel.  Although I can't walk down the aisle with Josephine to make it official, in the comfort of our home and the safety of the blogosphere, I am just as much of a wife as all of those women on base.  And maybe next year, the change will finally come. Thankfully, next year is right around the corner and hope is hanging in the closet.

Request to Pentagon for Monthly Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Reports

Perhaps it’s this time of year, but I feel dizzy with Love and brimming with Thanks.  Everywhere I turn (on the news, of course), it seems someone is speaking on behalf of our peaceful, loving community.  We are so blessed to have dynamic individuals looking out for our rights and campaigning for our equality. I am thrilled to report yet another ally.  This man is doing great things for the closeted gay military (which you know is a subject near and dear to my heart.)

Congressman Jim Moran sent a letter, signed by 96 Members of Congress, on December 18^th to Robert Gates, Secretary of Defense. Moran requested monthly reports of service members discharged in 2009 under the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy. These reports would detail rank, branch, and time in service. Moran asked the Office of the Secretary of Defense to provide all DADT data from January 1, 2009 until the present; the deadline is January 15, 2010.  

Congressman Moran urges for the exposure of DADT discharge data in order to show the loss of national defense and level of waste in taxpayer dollars. Since DADT began, more than 13,500 service members have been lost, at a deficit of over $400 million.  

For some, I'm sure this seems like a small step. However, to those of us that sit quietly in the closet, this request might as well be a pep rally.  Americans-gay, straight, military or civilian- need to truly understood the determent of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  And when they do, perhaps then, change will come.

The following letter was sent to the Pentagon on December 18, 2009:

Dear Secretary Gates: 

We write today with regards to the current prohibition on openly gay and lesbian service members in the military, commonly known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT). 

This discriminatory policy results in the Department of Defense losing tens of millions each year in unrecoverable recruiting and training costs. The 2006 Blue Ribbon Commission’s report on DADT found that the Pentagon wasted over $360 million due to this policy from 1994 until 2003, the last year studied. Since its enactment in 1994, over 13,500 service members have been discharged under DADT, including 730 mission critical soldiers and over 65 Arabic and Farsi linguists vital to the war on terrorism. 

To increase transparency on the effects the DADT policy is having on our military and by extension our national defense, we request that the Office of the Secretary of Defense provide data on the current number of DADT discharges since January 1, 2009 to the present, no later than January 15, 2010. In addition, we request monthly reports thereafter to Congress detailing the number of enlisted service members and officers discharged under the policy including their job specialty (MOS), time in the service and branch of the military.  Through these monthly updates, Congress and the public will get a clearer picture of the continued costs and damage to our national security inflicted by this policy. 

We appreciate your attention to this matter and look forward to a timely response.

                                                Sincerely,

                                                James P. Moran

From the Press Room at the Palm Center

The original letter sent to Secretary Gates can be found here.

Lesbian Navy Love

Thanks to Paula (my editor at LezGetReal) for finding this photo...amazing!!! 

But I will offer some visual, Jo is a bit more feminine:)

Sue Fulton of Knights Out Against Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Although it affects Jo and I on a daily basis, my own grandfather isn't 100% in favor of repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Hence, I am grateful when someone agrees that the code is ludicrous. Especially when this someone graduated from the US Military Academy, served for five years in the Signal Corps in Germany, as a platoon leader, staff officer, and company commander and openly speaks out against Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

This woman on our side is Sue Fulton.  The Sunday morning guest on Rainbow Radio co-founded Knights Out and currently acts as their Communications Director.  Knights Out is an organization of LGBTQ West Point alumni with 75 graduates who are OUT.  There are another 150 graduate supporters including former West Point professors, Rhodes Scholars, decorated combat veterans from the Vietnam War, Iraq and Afghanistan, and many others who are coming out and serving their country in a new way.

Knights Out takes a firm stance against Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  From the West Point Cadet Prayer, the organization's mantra states "..never to be content with a half-truth when the whole truth can be won."  Fulton understands our plight for equality in its true form.  Fulton described Knights Out's mission as a statement of honor.  They strive for full equal rights for gays in the military and the opportunity to stand up and tell the truth.

Despite her active role in Don't Ask, Don't Tell reform, Fulton discussed her previous experience as a lesbian in the military. Fulton painted a sad picture of closeted lesbian life at West Point and the lifestyle that proceeded as an active duty soldier. She was investigated in the early 1980s due to false accusations by a homophobic commander.  Although the charges were dropped, Fulton described the agony she experienced during the investigation.  It still " haunts her "that she was forced to lie about her sexual preference.  When Daniel Choi came out earlier this year (Choi is a co-founder of Knights Out), Fulton finally experienced some liberation.

Fulton was optimistic that the initial repeal of DADT could take place within the next year.  With her on our side, perhaps she might be right.

Listen to the PODCAST 
Learn more about KNIGHTS OUT
Read more from Navy Wife

GUEST BLOG: Engaged in the Garden State

I typically stick to discussion of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but with all of the recent marriage events, I feel I can't sit quiet much longer.  Jo and I will not legally marry until DADT is repealed; therefore, marriage has not been my top issue.  But let's face it, most of us dream of walking down the aisle to wedded gay bliss; and we may never get the full legal chance.

I have an old friend in New Jersey who was engaged long before there was even a civil union option. The Garden State was due to vote on gay MARRIAGE this past Thursday, yet they pushed back the vote.

TJ was filling me in on the details over a nice little Facebook chat.  I thought we could all learn a something from her story, and I've asked her to share with you...

Engaged in the Garden State

I'm pretty confident that most would say I’ve led a charmed life.  Born and raised in a perfect little nook on the Jersey Shore (just north of the fist pumping and hair gel), I arrived from a definition nuclear family.  My coming out story was about as close to a fairy tale as you’d expect.  There were some small bumps along the way, but only because I didn’t know how to properly stand up for myself yet.  

Fast forward to nine years and a handful of lesbian relationships later- we have a politically obsessed, civil rights on the brain, bitter and frustrated, open-endedly engaged, TG.

So what’s it like being gay and engaged in New Jersey? 

My fiance, Sasha, is probably one of the most independent and opinionated people I know.   Surprisingly, though, when it comes to politics she is a little apathetic.   This works out pretty well for us.  I do the research and form my opinions and then I rant them to her.  Some of them stick and later on I hear her repeat them with conviction and I get all warm and fuzzy inside.  

For a year or two we were happy to just be engaged.  We got diamond rings for each other and talked about bits and pieces of what our wedding would be like.  We continuously deflected all of the questions about setting the date with the reply of “we want to wait until its legal”.  After a while, some bitterness set in and our responses began to get more and more negative.  We’ve even watched (straight) friends get engaged after us and marry before us.

A couple of years ago, New Jersey made a peace offering by legalizing civil unions for same sex couples.  We opted not to get one.  To me, right from the get go it reeked of second class treatment.  My thoughts were:  If it is equal to a marriage, then why not call it a marriage?  We all know that separate but equal doesn’t work, so I’ll save my Brown v. Board of Ed. rant for another time and place.  

The NJ Civil Union Act was enacted in February of ‘07 and within a year the Civil Union Review Commission deemed it as a failure.   One point for me.  Still no marriage for me, though.

In the time since this failure was noted, a Same Sex Marriage Bill has been written and just this past week was given the go ahead by the Senate Judiciary Board to be pushed through to an official Senate vote.  The vote was supposed to take place on Thursday, December 10th, but was postponed at the last minute.  Sponsors of the bill believed that they didn’t have adequate vote support in the Senate for it to pass.  

Next month, New Jersey will have a new, Republican governor, Chris Christie.  Mr. Christie publicly opposes gay marriage and has vowed to veto the bill if it reaches his desk.   Our lame duck governor, Jon Corzine, has on the other hand, vowed to sign the gay marriage bill when and if it lands on his desk.   So here we are, with 2009 winding down and Governor Corzine’s reign coming to an end, lobbying our gay fannies off to get the NJ State Senators to understand that equality is essential all within the next 3 weeks.  The alternative? Four more years of engagement.  I think I’ll lobby.

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

So often, since we moved and embarked on this Navy adventure, I hop on my blog and rant about all of the things that are missing from our our life.  Wow, have I had a reality check these past few weeks.

I've always been a sucker for the holiday season, but this year the holidays have been particularly special. I thought Thanksgiving would be difficult as it would be the first for Jo and I without our 'family.' However, the day arrived and I began to realize as we grow, so does our definition of family. Without the presence of our extended family members, Jo and I truly embraced the start of this new chapter for the McCafferty-James clan. We have so much to be thankful for, many blessings to count and most importantly, each other.

Thanksgiving morning began with puppy kisses to be grateful for.  It was a beautiful day off with my sweetheart.  We spent the morning watching the parade and preparing for a feast at our friend's house.  We iChatted with family back home and Facebooked loved ones, near and far.   I certainly missed my Grandmother on this first holiday without her, but the day reminded me that we must keep making memories to cherish.

Black Friday has been a tradition in our home for as long as Dad's been carving the turkey.  This would be my first without Mom and sisters in tow.  Again, the day was cherished and the outlets still divine.  Jo and I shopped through the night, texting my family as we found beautiful sweaters for $10 and toys to send to the nieces and nephews.  It is amazing how much technology can keep you together when you are away.

As we installed our new blue ray and crashed on the couch to watching a new $9 DVD, I counted my blessings instead of sheep. As a lesbian Navy wife, I sometimes forget to stand back and remember all that we do have.  We, as a family (all gays, not just Jo and I) have come a long way.  I am confident we will see the day when our rights are equal in this country, but for TODAY, let us be thankful for how blessed we already are.

Commander's Orders: Obama sends 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan

I don't understand what this man is doing.  Maybe I'm speaking completely from the heart but why can't we just get the fuck out of there???? For those of you that might have somehow missed it President Obama has agreed to send more troops.  In an address to the nation this evening, he announced, "And as Commander-in-Chief, I have determined that it is in our vital national interest to send an additional 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan."  You can read the full speech HERE.

I met a young lesbian, Kitty, tonight, who is dating a women stationed with Jo.  Kit came over with our puppy sitter.   It's amazing how the universe can bring you a new friend during a time when you both might need one.  Her sailor is set to deploy next December.  We don't know anything about Jo's fate with the military yet.  I was desperately hoping our President would say the exact opposite of what he did.

Just needed to vent to the world...more tomorrow when I've calmed down.

A Straight Woman Stands Up to her Born Again Father

I was recently catching up with my old friend, Holly.  She is straight but shared a touching 'coming out' story of her own.   Although Holly has always had a strong group of gay friends, her father has always had issue with it. Recently, they had a heated discussion during which Holly finally spoke her peace.  By doing so, she realized how important it is for everyone-gay or straight- to defend gay rights.  I asked her to write about the experience so that I could share it with you.  Below, in her own words, is how Holly finally stood up to her Born Again father.

Holly, Thank you for standing up for our community.  You are an inspiration.

xoxo,

Izzy

A Straight Girl's Journey to Coming Out

By Holly Avalon

Growing up in a town right outside of Hollywood, homosexuality was not an issue.  I performed in show choir (yes, exactly like the TV show Glee) throughout high school and I was around more homosexual men than straight men for my developmental years.  However during these same years, my father, divorced from my mother, had remarried, and within that relationship converted from casual Catholicism to strict Born Again Christianity.

As I spent my school years in show choir, learning the importance to the song Rio, I would spend my summers entrenched in “church camp” discovering my Nine Inch Nails cassette was the devil’s work, and ritualizing the destruction of it.

My father seemed to know not to discuss my choice to have ‘gay’ friends as I was always hanging with my best gays on the weekends, and it wouldn’t have gone over smoothly if he even tried to mention his unhappiness of my choice of friends.  I honestly didn’t know he was as ‘far gone’ as he was, or maybe I just didn’t want to read the signs.

However, I realized he was homophobic the day I encountered a (God forbid!) lesbian while in the presence of my father.  This was about 6 years ago; I had been in the emergency room for injuring my arm.  My daddy, who always came to my rescue, came to be with me. He spoke with the doctors, made me laugh while they took x-rays, and made me forget I was hurt.  But all the laughs subsided when my nurse came into my ER room; she had a masculine look to her, her hair was cut very short, and stereotypically, she was a lesbian. 

As we left the hospital he said in a serious tone “Did you see how she wouldn’t look me in the eye? It’s unfortunate she has chosen that lifestyle.” I was astonished!  Why would she care if my father knew she was gay or not?  If she didn’t look him in the eye, it must’ve been because he was giving her a strange look, definitely not because she was embarrassed that she had short hair, and a low voice.  I responded to his asinine comment by just staying silent. Since that incident, I was aware of his homophobia, but never approached the subject, brushing it off due to his ignorance.

Now, six years later, this subject has crept back into our relationship, which is a pretty close one. My sister has recently followed me to the big apple, and if you think I live a ‘gay friendly’ life, she moved from West Hollywood, where her regular stomping grounds were ‘The Abbey’ and her best friend is a clothing designer (she gets all of his samples at the end of the season – no fair).  

Her birthday was coming up, and I really wanted to officially welcome her to NYC in a big way.  So I took her to LIPS, a very famous Drag bar in the village, which has queens serving you, berating you and at the end of the night taking lascivious pictures with you. It was an absolute blast!! And we documented it all. I posted the clean version of these pictures on my Facebook, and texted my entire family to see our outlandish festivities for the “baby of the family’s” birthday (she turned 25). Within minutes I received a text from my Father saying, “How inappropriate, I can’t believe you would text me to view these pictures.” I wrote back, “I didn’t think any were inappropriate and if I offended you I apologize.”  In response all he wrote was “we must live on different planets.” I laughed this off and went on with my day.

As far as I was concerned that was the end of this exchange.  A few days went by in which my father didn’t reach out to me (which was rare.) I emailed him just checking in (basically testing the water) to which I received no response for another couple days.  By this time I had a feeling he was harboring some animosity towards me, and knew I should just call him and get it over with.  The conversation that ensued basically became my own personal “coming out”.  As a straight woman, I never had to defend my point of view on gay rights, but unfortunately, I had to aggressively express these feeling to my own father.

He began, “Listen in my community, we say hate the sin, not the sinner. But I say try to hate the sin OFF the sinner.” 

I was floored. He continued by letting me know he thought Jamie, my closest gay friend, who has attended Christmas parties at my father’s house, was a good person, be he completely disagrees with his life style. I was still floored and pretty quiet, just saying uh-huh, and ok.

Dad continued, "I really tried to raise you with morals, but even at close to 30 years old, you are still embracing the homosexual community!"

This is when my cork blew.  I fought back, by explaining that he need not say he ‘tried’ to raise me with morals, as I have grown to be a pretty good person.  And further, I had no clue he was as passionately anti-gay as he was coming across at this point.  I went on to explain, that yes, he was correct in that I do embrace the homosexual community, with wide spread open arms.  

I declared, "I will march with them for equal rights, and will accept them as my equal until the day I die."  

He was silent.  I continued by saying, he has known since I was 12 that I embraced homosexuals, as I have had gay friends since then, and I cannot believe that after over 15 years of my ‘embracing’ their community, my mind would be changed.  He shot back with the fact that I blatantly shoved my gay accepting lifestyle into his life, by posting these types of pictures on my Facebook.  He also noted that none of my cousins would ever post pictures like this on their profile, only his two daughters (said in a defeated saddened voice). 

At this point, I was so heated; I wanted to tattoo a rainbow flag on my back and march right into his ‘community’ and berate them for being so ignorant.  How can an educated man, with a huge heart for his family be so damn ignorant?!  The conversation slowly died, as I told him, I will never change my opinion on this subject, as he will never change his.  He tried to ask me if I truly thought homosexuality was acceptable in God’s eyes. I was saddened to the core that he would even repeat such a sentence. 

I shot back, “My God would never judge. I never intended to offend you, but I will not change my opinion on this subject, and therefore will have to shelter you from it being a part of my life, thus not sharing my entire life with you."  

He agreed that this was best.  Sad.  So sad.

My father is happy with the end of this exchange.  Happy that we ‘resolved’ this issue by my agreeing to never bring it up in front of him again.  I, on the other hand, cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot believe that there are such judgmental, close minded people in this world, and yet I have one who will one day be the grandfather to my children.

Gay, straight, transgendered, bisexual, Christian, Jewish, whatever you are; stand up for the rights of HUMANS.  No longer tolerate this lynch mob for homosexuality. If we continue to sweep these conversations under the rug, ignorance will abound.  On this day, I am coming out of the closet!  As a heterosexual woman, I believe in 100% gay rights, equality for everyone, and no more acceptable ignorance.  A gay couple should be able to be married, and hold the same sacred union of men and women.  Who are we to judge?  Who are YOU to say no to a blessed union of love? GOD loves all.  Act in the name of your GOD, and accept all as they are. The abundance of accepted ignorance in this world is sobering, and until we start fighting back, it will only multiply with new generations coming into this world.

Stand up! And those of you who are straight, and brush aside the demeaning comments of your homophobic friends, stop them in their tracks. Fight for the equality of all of your friends who have been discriminated against only for their sexual orientation!  Enough is enough. This is a fight against humanity that must be won. Come out of the closet with me, and fight for equality!

Gay Navy Wife Seeks Serenity to Accept the Things We Cannot Change

After our night at the Cougar bar, Jo and I decided to give ourselves a treat and go Gay. We searched the area and found a gay bar within driving distance. It was Rose’s last night in town and she was very supportive of our Sapphic desires. We called our puppy sitter, packed the car, and piled in for a little road trip.

Determined to cancel out the previous night with Buzz cut, Jo and I dressed to the nines in our favorite gay gear. I ditched my dress for one of Jo’s sexy vests. With jitters in my belly, one would think it was my first time. I felt eighteen all over again as I entered a gay bar after being strictly closeted for the past six months. Getting stamped by the sexually ambiguous bouncer offered a breath of fresh air. The emotions from our previous night’s debacle washed away.

As we made way to the bartender, my smile grew larger from ear to ear. Sitting on an open bar stool, Rose leaned over to tell me how comfortable my body language had become. I was home. Although I didn’t know a single person in this foreign place, I was home.

We joined the masses on the dance floor and Jo came in behind me. The love of my life was dancing close to me in a place where we could be ourselves. Yet, so much time had passed since we had been affectionate in public, it felt oddly unnatural. I grabbed her hand, determined to overcome this out-of-body experience I was having. As a Madonna classic came overhead, we broke for a bathroom break. I asked Jo how she felt about our long awaited night OUT. Sadly, it was odd for both of us. Although we sleep intertwined on a nightly basis and kiss endlessly in our home, we were officially that awkward gay couple who were unsure how to behave outside our closet walls. How could this possibly have happened in such a short time? I was once the girl who planned group trips to Provincetown. Who is this person I have become?

And then as quickly as the homecoming came, it was gone. I noticed that there were an unusual amount of (what seemed to be) straight men. Hmmm? Certainly nothing I had experienced before but if they were intrigued or curious, good for them for coming out. Unfortunately, as I watched more closely, it appeared that these men were checking out the lesbians.

Another beer in hand, I calmed myself, We deserve this night; I will not let my uneasy feeling and these sleazebags bother me. Jo and I just need to relax.

And then my typically calm and collected girlfriend gasped and ducked behind Rose. The dreaded words that I prayed would not be spoken during our gay getaway came out of Jo’s mouth in a sad and defeated whisper, “I work with that man across the bar.”

At first, Rose and I were relaxed, despite my internal horror. If he was here, far from base, then he must be gay too. But as Jo hid behind us, we studied him. He appeared to be enjoying the women much more than the men. Who knows if our interpretation of his behavior was accurate? I do know we cannot risk Jo’s career. What if he was straight? And what if he has seen us touch or kiss? Defeated, we got back in the car after only three dances and two beers. After our first attempt at girls’ night out, I had no tears left to shed.

My grandmother, very Catholic until her last breath, must have been in the car with us on that trip home.  Suddenly a prayer came to me that I heard for years growing up. Ironically, for the first time in my gay life, my Catholicism offered some peace.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.

"Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable..."

Jo and I needed to let loose.  Hence, Friday was “Girl’s Night Out.”  In my pre-Navy existence, this would have consisted of our beautiful lesbian friends and a hot ‘girl’ party in the city.  Jo and I would slow dance, kiss, and walk home, hand in hand.  While we can no longer be publically affectionate, we still get giddy drunk and love dancing with our new girlfriends.  For Friday’s festivities, we chose a Cougar hot spot, as our friend Candy is a recent (hot) divorcee.  I love any reason to put on my favorite dress and paint on smoky eye makeup (yes, I am what you may call a lipstick lesbian.)  Jo, typically cozy in her kicks, broke out heels for this rare night out. 

The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all…

The evening began fabulously.  We snapped photos, danced to the live band and sang loudly. Grabbing a drink and cooling down at the bar, I was approached.  Tall, blond, chubby and not so handsome, he asked, “Can I buy you a drink?”

This is certainly not the first time I’ve been hit on by a man.  But it was the first time I could not respond with my usual, “I don’t think my girlfriend would like that.”  I suppose I could have said boyfriend, but I just said “No thank you.” 

I am so proud of who I am and who I am with.  Moments like this,  blatant  denial of who we are, make me want to cry.  I suddenly longed for my lesbian haven.

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear…

My sad darkness started to close in around me and then the night got worse.  Lightness was farther and farther away.  Our friend Rose, single, straight and very sexy, was approached by a man with a buzz cut.   As I walked up from the bathroom, Jo sharply whispered, “He’s military, don’t touch me.” I hadn’t touched her once the entire night, but that didn’t matter. Her fear had kicked in and punched me in the gut.

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it…

As Rose danced with Buzz cut, my head began pounding.  I stopped ordering cocktails and began tearing up, sitting there listening to “Livin’ on a Prayer.” Regardless of our night OUT, we always have to be IN.

 I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend...

There is no solace in this gay Navy world, just constant reminders of the fact that we can no longer be true to who we are.  This will never be even CLOSE to fine. 

I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before…

As I drove to get coffee and bagels on Saturday morning, "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls came on the radio (hence, the italic song reference throughout this post.)  Oddly, I immediately felt peace.  Jo and I may feel isolated in this new world without our lesbian network, but you are out there.  Just when I seem to lose sight of the community we were so actively a part of, an iconic lesbian duo streams through the radio and pulls me out of my own trenches.  Perhaps we'll be fine after all.

Silent Spouses of DADT

I honestly thought I should just shut my mouth. In a hefty vomit of words one month ago, I shared my grief, depression, and loneliness. Needless to say, I put those feelings out into the universe and I only got worse. Jo was working fifteen hour days and I was a zombie. I didn’t think I should blog under that dark cloud. Unfortunately, not writing increased my depression and intensified my lonely state. I also felt incredibly guilty that I was letting all of you down.

And then I heard from you, a lot of you. Calls, emails, texts, and blog messages. Thank you for your concern and thank you for asking me to write.

During one of these phone calls, I heard from a friend I had lost touch with. She is a writer and is also struggling with getting her career off the ground. We talked endlessly and inspired each other. We both admitted to being in ruts filled with writer’s block and despair. By the end of the conversation, she had purchased a plane ticket. We were going to get each other out of this and forge forward.

Rose arrived on Sunday. In two days, I’ve used my mind more than I have in a month. I have also made a huge decision. Previously, I held back with writing the “Navy Wife” novel. I believed this story was only my own and completely based on true events. I was not working on the novel because these events needed to unfold. I thought DADT needed to be overturned before I could really tell this story.

However, I realize now that I have the capability to represent the voice of so many silent spouses. I am not only telling my story: I want to tell yours. “Navy Wife” is no longer only the lives of Isabell James and Jo McCafferty. The book will now be based on true events occurring in the lives of gay military families across our nation.

I must sign off now and get moving with Chapter One.

Until next time…

IN on National Coming Out Day: We must break free from this slavery of love.

I have been so down lately, bordering on depressed.  Many individuals use this word lightly but I’ve been here once before, and I can assure you, I know the difference between depression and ‘the blues.’  To my defense, in late August, I lost my grandmother who had lived across the street from me for most of my life.  I have not been right since.  Being far away from my family in a place where Jo and I cannot be a real couple has increased the emotions.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and I am very aware that my writing has been a stream of negative energy involving a discussion of things we don’t have.  I have the love of my life.  I have my health.  And I am finally putting myself out there as a writer.  However, I can’t help but feel invisible.  In essence, I am.

I’ve been swimming against the current for weeks but have had my head above water until the events of last weekend.  I wasn’t overly optimistic about what the President would say at Saturday’s HRC event; however, I suppose I expected more than just the ‘same old, same old.’

I should add the disclaimer: I’m an illegitimate military spouse. No matter what Obama says that may be positive to others, until I have a clear understanding of his timeline regarding Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, I will not be happy.  Yes, President Obama once again eloquently stated that he would get rid of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  He indicated that he is with the gay community in that fight.  But President Obama couldn’t begin to understand this fight from the inside.  He doesn’t know how Jo and I feel as we begin to discuss future deployment and what that will mean for our family.    He doesn’t know what it is like to be invisible.

In regards to the Hate Crimes Bill, President Obama said, “Together we will have moved closer to that day when no one has to be afraid to be gay in America.  When no one has to fear walking down the street holding the hand of the person they love.”

Ironically, this is the feeling Jo and I experience each and every day as a gay couple in the military.

Then, last Sunday was National Coming Out Day.  Although I should be proud to have an amazing partner that I plan to spend my life with, this year’s Out day was extremely difficult for me.    It was my first as a closeted gay American.  I had friends texting from the National Equality March in DC saying they missed Jo and I.  God, did I miss them too.

According to the National Park Police (NPS), there were approximately 200,000 attendees at the Gay Rights Rally. I sat in my living room, box of tissues in hand, as I watched the coverage, speech-by-speech on CSPAN.  David Mixner, Democratic Political Strategist and author, was the first individual to bring on my waterworks.

He pointed out that there are different rights for the LGBT community than the rest of the country.  Urging President Obama to lead Congress and not be led by congress, Mixner suggested Obama end the funding for the prosecution of DADT.  As Mixner asked how many more tears will be shed until the politicians in some back room decide to join our fight for freedom, I shed more tears of my own.

Believe me, this is not the first time I’ve sat alone while Jo is at work feeling sorry for myself, but watching this rally reminded me of all that we don’t have.  How am I supposed to remain positive while there is so much to fight for?

Dan Choi, Army Combat Veteran of the Iraq War who was dismissed under DADT, also spoke at the rally.  I am so thankful for this man and his understanding of what we go through.    After ripping tape from his mouth, he said something that has been with me all week.  I struggled with sharing my depression with all of you, but it is the reality of the situation we are in, so here I am, sharing myself.

Choi said, “You are a slave to the one you love.”  Despite this fact, he went on to encourage, “Love is worth fighting for, love is worth it.”  He shouted to the group on the mall and into my quiet living room, “I am telling…will you tell with me?”

As much as I want to lie in bed and feel sorry for our community, and myself, I need to stand up and Tell.   I need to shake off this negativity and continue my fight.   We must break free from this slavery of love.

The Closet (with room for four)

I keep a box of old journals in our office to use for motivation while writing my novel.  Last night, I came across an entry I wrote a few weeks after Jo received her first active duty assignment. I was so worried prior to our big move.  It is fantastic to look back and see how far I've come in just a few months.  My worry has transformed into motivation and conviction to use my voice as an instrument of change.

Spring 2009

Dear Journal,

Having screwdrivers at the Tiki Bar, I met the woman of my dreams. Honestly, I’d been calling myself bi-sexual for years and had one girlfriend previously.  But on a hazy summer day, this girl set me on a determined lesbian path.  Everyone knew I had ‘tendencies’ but once Jo and I had our first date, I proudly waved my gay flag.

I explained to friends, “No, I really don’t miss men!”  Over Blue Moons at TGI Fridays, I told my mother, “Yes, I am sure.” More importantly, I assured her, “I have never been happier.”  Jo and I avoided the U-Haul for our first blissful year; however, I did receive a puppy for my birthday (around our 10^th month.)  Eventually, we moved in, combined books and danced barefoot in our kitchen to Sinatra.

Our first real hurdle as a couple came in the form of Jo’s first Military assignment.  We did not expect the assignment given; it is far from our families and we will know no one.  BOOM.  The Navy throws a wrench in our plans.  My real problem is not with the location; I fear the complete lack of community.  With this destination, we have many new obstacles to consider.  No friends to come over and allow us to be loud and proud in the privacy of our home.  The minute the additional miles entered the equation, the idea of long distance flew out the window.

Closet walls are re-appearing in my happy gay bubble. I see what the Navy has done for my girlfriend’s career and I know her descison is what’s best for our family; yet, I’m faced with a high level of uncertainty by committing to the future I so badly desire.  I’m supposed to be ok with it all, but I’m scared as hell. I didn’t sign up for this.  We never do I guess; we just fall in love.

But all you need is love, right?  I hope the universe brings me a walk-in closet, large enough to fit my beautiful Gay family.

What are they doing in the White House?

As I've mentioned, I spent last week cleaning up and clearing out.  In the process, I found my HOPE poster from last fall.  You know the one I'm talking about; all of us die hard Obama lovers had them.  Jo and I displayed Hope in our front foyer throughout the election, and kept our Hope displayed right up until we moved.  

Well, here we are. Almost one year, post election and Hope has just been collecting dust in the closet.  I can't help but notice the parallels for the Hope we had for this new and different presidency. And the irony that my hope is In the Closet with the rest of me.

I just did an article for LGR on the latest from James Jones, President Obama's national security advisor.  His comments are hopeless.

Read "Jones on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Obama “has an awful lot on his desk”" on LezGetReal.


10/5/09-by Isabell James

Gay civil rights for the United States military is just another thing on the President’s desk.

Yesterday on CNN’s “State of the Union,” James Jones, President Obama’s national security advisor, said Obama “has an awful lot on his desk. I know this is an issue [Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell] that he intends to take on at the appropriate time. And he has already signaled that to the Defense Department. The Defense Department is doing the things it has to do to prepare, but at the right time, I’m sure the president will take it on.”

Jones indicated the President will focus “at the right time” on how to overturn the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ban on gays serving openly in the military. “I don’t think it’s going to be – it’s not years, but I think it will be teed up appropriately,” James Jones said.

Well, us gays will just wait for the President to put on his Sunday jeans and “tee off” on the gay rights issue he seemed so boisterous about during last year’s election.

Is there any light in this dark tunnel? Yes. Thank you Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid(D-Nev.) In a letter written on September 24^th, Reid asked Obama and Defense Secretary Robert Gates for a review of the cases of two U.S. officers who were discharged from the military for being gay. Reid said, “At a time when we are fighting two wars, I do not believe we can afford to discharge any qualified individual who is willing to serve our country.”

The House is considering legislation to repeal “don’t ask, don’t tell” and allow people who have been discharged under the policy to rejoin the military. Obama supported repealing the law throughout his campaign; however, action is not expected until early 2010. The White House has said it will not stop the military from dismissing gays and lesbians who acknowledge their sexuality.

634 members of the military were discharged for being gay in 2008, according to an Aug. 14 congressional report. Imagine if they lost all 65,000 gay servicemembers in the next couple of years? I bet that would be a pretty big item on Barack’s desk.

Random Ramblings: Fall Cleaning

I know I have been slacking!  But in my defense, I have completed our unpacking.  Sweaters and sweatshirts are officially available for use (not that I'm saying one way or the other if we are in a climate where sweaters are needed.)

Anyhoo, I've organized, cleaned, vacuumed, and decluttered our little home. I admit this came about due to a small (very small- thank you, God) infestation of fleas.  Once I began, I was maniacal.  Damn, does it feel good; my mind cleansed and my body aches.  I implore each of your to take a little time before the holiday season and get your life in order. It is surprising how this obsessive compulsive task will help pave the way for a solid road of productivity.

More to come later today, I'm feeling so inspired by my lemon and bleach scented home.

Navy Wife Goes Viral

Good Morning from Navyland. ( I need to make up a fictitious location; I am too detail-orientated to leave so many facts about our home out.)  First, and foremost:  I wanted to update you on the goings on...I've been a busy bee.

I've been asked to write for LGR:LezGetReal.
Visit the site.

My first two articles are linked and pasted below.

You can also now follow me on Twitter!
Follow Me.
(I'm very new to this but it is kind of addicting.)

Finally, Facebook:
Friend Me.

Following My Heart… Into the Closet: A Gay Navy Wife and DADT

Visit LGR to View Article

At the end of June, I quit my lucrative job with great benefits and vacation time. I packed up our studio and planned a night out to say farewell to family and friends. I left my very OUT life to go back in the closet; I did this for love. I followed my heart and my partner, Jo, who is serving active duty in the military.

In this closeted journey, there are good and bad days. Sometimes Jo is home for a long weekend, other nights I’m all alone wishing I could join one of the many groups for military wives. Up until now, I’ve documented our experience via my personal blog. This will be my first opportunity to reach a large-scale audience. Today is a good day and a great step in my plight for equal rights.

According to the Urban Institute, there are at least 65,000 gay Americans serving active duty. Another 13,000 have been discharged since 1994 under the DADT policy. Unfortunately, the number of invisible partners and children remains completely undetermined.

Although thrilled to speak on behalf of other closeted military spouses, I am also petrified. My family and friends share my fears. Everyone asks, “What does Jo think about ‘going public’?”

I questioned her this morning over blueberry pancakes.

“I’m deleting my Facebook,” she joked. Looking at me with those warm eyes I fell in love with, she added “I’m very proud of you. You’re not just telling our story; you are sharing the story of so many. You need to do this, Izzy. There are couples who have been living like this for decades. It’s time the silence is broken.”

With Jo’s blessing, I would like to introduce myself to the LezGetReal community. I’ve been asked to report on DADT but I must warn you, I am not your typical reporter. While I will bring you breaking news coming off Capital Hill, I also plan to share an inside perspective of the discrimination we face on a day-by-day basis.

The Washington Post/ABC News conducted a poll in July 2008, which found that 75 percent of Americans favor allowing gays to serve in the military. For a country engrossed in the gay marriage debate, why is there not a louder discussion, a stronger push for President Obama to follow through on his campaign promise to repel DADT.

While Jo and I sit and anxiously await news from Congress and the Pentagon, she could lose her job just for being associated with me. I’m not talking about holding my hand or making out at a gay club (although those are obvious reasons for discharge). She cannot be prosecuted for her gay ‘status;’ however, any evidence of homosexual conduct could get her discharged. ‘Evidence’ could include personal letters, emails, or even ownership of gay-themed DVDs. I guess I should burn our L Word collection?

Everyone affected by DADT has been too afraid to talk about it. Jo was recently in a discrimination workshop led by the military. The moderator asked for examples of discriminatory policies. One woman boldly responded, “Homosexuality.” The moderator gasped, “Wow. Yes. This is the first time anyone has ever said that.”

Jo and I were appalled but not shocked. Why would anyone mention such a taboo subject? The woman who shared her opinion openly was able to do so because she is in a heterosexual marriage.

Harvey Milk once said, “The only ways we’ve ever made advances are when we’ve named the dream. Not the crumbs, not the little pieces around the edges. You have got to name the dream, or you’ll never get it.”

My dream is equal rights for ALL of our servicemen and women. I am not simply addressing the freedom to be out. They should also have the right to care and provide for their loved ones, the same rights as their straight counterparts.

And secretly, my dream is to kiss my (wo)man in uniform just like any other military wife.

Dear Michelle: A Letter From A Gay Navy Wife

Visit LGR to View Article

I’m passionate about this cause, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell-well actually, gay rights, in general. However, I have never been one to write letters. I didn’t send it yet; I’m considering it. Jo is working long hours now so I need to discuss it with her when she gets home.

Today, I read something in Jo’s copy of Navy Times that really inspired me…

So I got my butt in gear and wrote this letter… Comments are welcomed.

Dear Ms. Obama,



Michelle. I’m sorry to call you Michelle; I mean no disrespect. I am one of your biggest fans.

I have been so inspired and driven because of you and your husband. I am Isabell James, a lesbian navy “wife” (we can’t make it official because my partner could be fired for trying to buy me a diamond.) As a fellow woman, wife, driven professional, and lover of civil rights, I ask you to empathize. We need your help.



In this week’s Navy Times*, it was reported that Navy and military officials are “moving out aggressively” in an attempt to end the ban on women aboard submarines. I’m hoping things go well. The article is hopeful but the last quote is a punch to the gut.



Ian Dent, who served for 23 years on Trident submarines, told the New York Times, “I can tell you emphatically that placing women on submarines would destroy the tight-knit cohesiveness necessary for the smooth operation of a submarine.”



Doesn’t that argument sound familiar?



I keep forgetting women are not equals in the military. Neither are homosexuals. It seems like such an odd argument to be having in 2009 with a black man leading our nation for the first time in history. I didn’t realize my girlfriend couldn’t serve on a sub. If I do say so myself, that sucks.

The end of this ban is a step in the right direction on behalf of the military ending discriminatory policies. Maybe you can point the article out to Barack over dinner (the girls might enjoy it too… I think it is a big step for all women to know about.) I hope he finds this possible change indicative of things to come for the military.



And perhaps he could say something about gay military rights one day soon to inspire this little gay community (all 65,000-plus family) who loved him so much last November? We’re on the edge of our seats over here. Give us something to keep from falling off.

Sincerely,



Izzy 
Desperate Lesbian Housewife