The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

So often, since we moved and embarked on this Navy adventure, I hop on my blog and rant about all of the things that are missing from our our life.  Wow, have I had a reality check these past few weeks.

I've always been a sucker for the holiday season, but this year the holidays have been particularly special. I thought Thanksgiving would be difficult as it would be the first for Jo and I without our 'family.' However, the day arrived and I began to realize as we grow, so does our definition of family. Without the presence of our extended family members, Jo and I truly embraced the start of this new chapter for the McCafferty-James clan. We have so much to be thankful for, many blessings to count and most importantly, each other.

Thanksgiving morning began with puppy kisses to be grateful for.  It was a beautiful day off with my sweetheart.  We spent the morning watching the parade and preparing for a feast at our friend's house.  We iChatted with family back home and Facebooked loved ones, near and far.   I certainly missed my Grandmother on this first holiday without her, but the day reminded me that we must keep making memories to cherish.

Black Friday has been a tradition in our home for as long as Dad's been carving the turkey.  This would be my first without Mom and sisters in tow.  Again, the day was cherished and the outlets still divine.  Jo and I shopped through the night, texting my family as we found beautiful sweaters for $10 and toys to send to the nieces and nephews.  It is amazing how much technology can keep you together when you are away.

As we installed our new blue ray and crashed on the couch to watching a new $9 DVD, I counted my blessings instead of sheep. As a lesbian Navy wife, I sometimes forget to stand back and remember all that we do have.  We, as a family (all gays, not just Jo and I) have come a long way.  I am confident we will see the day when our rights are equal in this country, but for TODAY, let us be thankful for how blessed we already are.

Commander's Orders: Obama sends 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan

I don't understand what this man is doing.  Maybe I'm speaking completely from the heart but why can't we just get the fuck out of there???? For those of you that might have somehow missed it President Obama has agreed to send more troops.  In an address to the nation this evening, he announced, "And as Commander-in-Chief, I have determined that it is in our vital national interest to send an additional 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan."  You can read the full speech HERE.

I met a young lesbian, Kitty, tonight, who is dating a women stationed with Jo.  Kit came over with our puppy sitter.   It's amazing how the universe can bring you a new friend during a time when you both might need one.  Her sailor is set to deploy next December.  We don't know anything about Jo's fate with the military yet.  I was desperately hoping our President would say the exact opposite of what he did.

Just needed to vent to the world...more tomorrow when I've calmed down.

A Straight Woman Stands Up to her Born Again Father

I was recently catching up with my old friend, Holly.  She is straight but shared a touching 'coming out' story of her own.   Although Holly has always had a strong group of gay friends, her father has always had issue with it. Recently, they had a heated discussion during which Holly finally spoke her peace.  By doing so, she realized how important it is for everyone-gay or straight- to defend gay rights.  I asked her to write about the experience so that I could share it with you.  Below, in her own words, is how Holly finally stood up to her Born Again father.

Holly, Thank you for standing up for our community.  You are an inspiration.

xoxo,

Izzy

A Straight Girl's Journey to Coming Out

By Holly Avalon

Growing up in a town right outside of Hollywood, homosexuality was not an issue.  I performed in show choir (yes, exactly like the TV show Glee) throughout high school and I was around more homosexual men than straight men for my developmental years.  However during these same years, my father, divorced from my mother, had remarried, and within that relationship converted from casual Catholicism to strict Born Again Christianity.

As I spent my school years in show choir, learning the importance to the song Rio, I would spend my summers entrenched in “church camp” discovering my Nine Inch Nails cassette was the devil’s work, and ritualizing the destruction of it.

My father seemed to know not to discuss my choice to have ‘gay’ friends as I was always hanging with my best gays on the weekends, and it wouldn’t have gone over smoothly if he even tried to mention his unhappiness of my choice of friends.  I honestly didn’t know he was as ‘far gone’ as he was, or maybe I just didn’t want to read the signs.

However, I realized he was homophobic the day I encountered a (God forbid!) lesbian while in the presence of my father.  This was about 6 years ago; I had been in the emergency room for injuring my arm.  My daddy, who always came to my rescue, came to be with me. He spoke with the doctors, made me laugh while they took x-rays, and made me forget I was hurt.  But all the laughs subsided when my nurse came into my ER room; she had a masculine look to her, her hair was cut very short, and stereotypically, she was a lesbian. 

As we left the hospital he said in a serious tone “Did you see how she wouldn’t look me in the eye? It’s unfortunate she has chosen that lifestyle.” I was astonished!  Why would she care if my father knew she was gay or not?  If she didn’t look him in the eye, it must’ve been because he was giving her a strange look, definitely not because she was embarrassed that she had short hair, and a low voice.  I responded to his asinine comment by just staying silent. Since that incident, I was aware of his homophobia, but never approached the subject, brushing it off due to his ignorance.

Now, six years later, this subject has crept back into our relationship, which is a pretty close one. My sister has recently followed me to the big apple, and if you think I live a ‘gay friendly’ life, she moved from West Hollywood, where her regular stomping grounds were ‘The Abbey’ and her best friend is a clothing designer (she gets all of his samples at the end of the season – no fair).  

Her birthday was coming up, and I really wanted to officially welcome her to NYC in a big way.  So I took her to LIPS, a very famous Drag bar in the village, which has queens serving you, berating you and at the end of the night taking lascivious pictures with you. It was an absolute blast!! And we documented it all. I posted the clean version of these pictures on my Facebook, and texted my entire family to see our outlandish festivities for the “baby of the family’s” birthday (she turned 25). Within minutes I received a text from my Father saying, “How inappropriate, I can’t believe you would text me to view these pictures.” I wrote back, “I didn’t think any were inappropriate and if I offended you I apologize.”  In response all he wrote was “we must live on different planets.” I laughed this off and went on with my day.

As far as I was concerned that was the end of this exchange.  A few days went by in which my father didn’t reach out to me (which was rare.) I emailed him just checking in (basically testing the water) to which I received no response for another couple days.  By this time I had a feeling he was harboring some animosity towards me, and knew I should just call him and get it over with.  The conversation that ensued basically became my own personal “coming out”.  As a straight woman, I never had to defend my point of view on gay rights, but unfortunately, I had to aggressively express these feeling to my own father.

He began, “Listen in my community, we say hate the sin, not the sinner. But I say try to hate the sin OFF the sinner.” 

I was floored. He continued by letting me know he thought Jamie, my closest gay friend, who has attended Christmas parties at my father’s house, was a good person, be he completely disagrees with his life style. I was still floored and pretty quiet, just saying uh-huh, and ok.

Dad continued, "I really tried to raise you with morals, but even at close to 30 years old, you are still embracing the homosexual community!"

This is when my cork blew.  I fought back, by explaining that he need not say he ‘tried’ to raise me with morals, as I have grown to be a pretty good person.  And further, I had no clue he was as passionately anti-gay as he was coming across at this point.  I went on to explain, that yes, he was correct in that I do embrace the homosexual community, with wide spread open arms.  

I declared, "I will march with them for equal rights, and will accept them as my equal until the day I die."  

He was silent.  I continued by saying, he has known since I was 12 that I embraced homosexuals, as I have had gay friends since then, and I cannot believe that after over 15 years of my ‘embracing’ their community, my mind would be changed.  He shot back with the fact that I blatantly shoved my gay accepting lifestyle into his life, by posting these types of pictures on my Facebook.  He also noted that none of my cousins would ever post pictures like this on their profile, only his two daughters (said in a defeated saddened voice). 

At this point, I was so heated; I wanted to tattoo a rainbow flag on my back and march right into his ‘community’ and berate them for being so ignorant.  How can an educated man, with a huge heart for his family be so damn ignorant?!  The conversation slowly died, as I told him, I will never change my opinion on this subject, as he will never change his.  He tried to ask me if I truly thought homosexuality was acceptable in God’s eyes. I was saddened to the core that he would even repeat such a sentence. 

I shot back, “My God would never judge. I never intended to offend you, but I will not change my opinion on this subject, and therefore will have to shelter you from it being a part of my life, thus not sharing my entire life with you."  

He agreed that this was best.  Sad.  So sad.

My father is happy with the end of this exchange.  Happy that we ‘resolved’ this issue by my agreeing to never bring it up in front of him again.  I, on the other hand, cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot believe that there are such judgmental, close minded people in this world, and yet I have one who will one day be the grandfather to my children.

Gay, straight, transgendered, bisexual, Christian, Jewish, whatever you are; stand up for the rights of HUMANS.  No longer tolerate this lynch mob for homosexuality. If we continue to sweep these conversations under the rug, ignorance will abound.  On this day, I am coming out of the closet!  As a heterosexual woman, I believe in 100% gay rights, equality for everyone, and no more acceptable ignorance.  A gay couple should be able to be married, and hold the same sacred union of men and women.  Who are we to judge?  Who are YOU to say no to a blessed union of love? GOD loves all.  Act in the name of your GOD, and accept all as they are. The abundance of accepted ignorance in this world is sobering, and until we start fighting back, it will only multiply with new generations coming into this world.

Stand up! And those of you who are straight, and brush aside the demeaning comments of your homophobic friends, stop them in their tracks. Fight for the equality of all of your friends who have been discriminated against only for their sexual orientation!  Enough is enough. This is a fight against humanity that must be won. Come out of the closet with me, and fight for equality!

Gay Navy Wife Seeks Serenity to Accept the Things We Cannot Change

After our night at the Cougar bar, Jo and I decided to give ourselves a treat and go Gay. We searched the area and found a gay bar within driving distance. It was Rose’s last night in town and she was very supportive of our Sapphic desires. We called our puppy sitter, packed the car, and piled in for a little road trip.

Determined to cancel out the previous night with Buzz cut, Jo and I dressed to the nines in our favorite gay gear. I ditched my dress for one of Jo’s sexy vests. With jitters in my belly, one would think it was my first time. I felt eighteen all over again as I entered a gay bar after being strictly closeted for the past six months. Getting stamped by the sexually ambiguous bouncer offered a breath of fresh air. The emotions from our previous night’s debacle washed away.

As we made way to the bartender, my smile grew larger from ear to ear. Sitting on an open bar stool, Rose leaned over to tell me how comfortable my body language had become. I was home. Although I didn’t know a single person in this foreign place, I was home.

We joined the masses on the dance floor and Jo came in behind me. The love of my life was dancing close to me in a place where we could be ourselves. Yet, so much time had passed since we had been affectionate in public, it felt oddly unnatural. I grabbed her hand, determined to overcome this out-of-body experience I was having. As a Madonna classic came overhead, we broke for a bathroom break. I asked Jo how she felt about our long awaited night OUT. Sadly, it was odd for both of us. Although we sleep intertwined on a nightly basis and kiss endlessly in our home, we were officially that awkward gay couple who were unsure how to behave outside our closet walls. How could this possibly have happened in such a short time? I was once the girl who planned group trips to Provincetown. Who is this person I have become?

And then as quickly as the homecoming came, it was gone. I noticed that there were an unusual amount of (what seemed to be) straight men. Hmmm? Certainly nothing I had experienced before but if they were intrigued or curious, good for them for coming out. Unfortunately, as I watched more closely, it appeared that these men were checking out the lesbians.

Another beer in hand, I calmed myself, We deserve this night; I will not let my uneasy feeling and these sleazebags bother me. Jo and I just need to relax.

And then my typically calm and collected girlfriend gasped and ducked behind Rose. The dreaded words that I prayed would not be spoken during our gay getaway came out of Jo’s mouth in a sad and defeated whisper, “I work with that man across the bar.”

At first, Rose and I were relaxed, despite my internal horror. If he was here, far from base, then he must be gay too. But as Jo hid behind us, we studied him. He appeared to be enjoying the women much more than the men. Who knows if our interpretation of his behavior was accurate? I do know we cannot risk Jo’s career. What if he was straight? And what if he has seen us touch or kiss? Defeated, we got back in the car after only three dances and two beers. After our first attempt at girls’ night out, I had no tears left to shed.

My grandmother, very Catholic until her last breath, must have been in the car with us on that trip home.  Suddenly a prayer came to me that I heard for years growing up. Ironically, for the first time in my gay life, my Catholicism offered some peace.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.

"Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable..."

Jo and I needed to let loose.  Hence, Friday was “Girl’s Night Out.”  In my pre-Navy existence, this would have consisted of our beautiful lesbian friends and a hot ‘girl’ party in the city.  Jo and I would slow dance, kiss, and walk home, hand in hand.  While we can no longer be publically affectionate, we still get giddy drunk and love dancing with our new girlfriends.  For Friday’s festivities, we chose a Cougar hot spot, as our friend Candy is a recent (hot) divorcee.  I love any reason to put on my favorite dress and paint on smoky eye makeup (yes, I am what you may call a lipstick lesbian.)  Jo, typically cozy in her kicks, broke out heels for this rare night out. 

The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all…

The evening began fabulously.  We snapped photos, danced to the live band and sang loudly. Grabbing a drink and cooling down at the bar, I was approached.  Tall, blond, chubby and not so handsome, he asked, “Can I buy you a drink?”

This is certainly not the first time I’ve been hit on by a man.  But it was the first time I could not respond with my usual, “I don’t think my girlfriend would like that.”  I suppose I could have said boyfriend, but I just said “No thank you.” 

I am so proud of who I am and who I am with.  Moments like this,  blatant  denial of who we are, make me want to cry.  I suddenly longed for my lesbian haven.

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear…

My sad darkness started to close in around me and then the night got worse.  Lightness was farther and farther away.  Our friend Rose, single, straight and very sexy, was approached by a man with a buzz cut.   As I walked up from the bathroom, Jo sharply whispered, “He’s military, don’t touch me.” I hadn’t touched her once the entire night, but that didn’t matter. Her fear had kicked in and punched me in the gut.

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it…

As Rose danced with Buzz cut, my head began pounding.  I stopped ordering cocktails and began tearing up, sitting there listening to “Livin’ on a Prayer.” Regardless of our night OUT, we always have to be IN.

 I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend...

There is no solace in this gay Navy world, just constant reminders of the fact that we can no longer be true to who we are.  This will never be even CLOSE to fine. 

I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before…

As I drove to get coffee and bagels on Saturday morning, "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls came on the radio (hence, the italic song reference throughout this post.)  Oddly, I immediately felt peace.  Jo and I may feel isolated in this new world without our lesbian network, but you are out there.  Just when I seem to lose sight of the community we were so actively a part of, an iconic lesbian duo streams through the radio and pulls me out of my own trenches.  Perhaps we'll be fine after all.

Silent Spouses of DADT

I honestly thought I should just shut my mouth. In a hefty vomit of words one month ago, I shared my grief, depression, and loneliness. Needless to say, I put those feelings out into the universe and I only got worse. Jo was working fifteen hour days and I was a zombie. I didn’t think I should blog under that dark cloud. Unfortunately, not writing increased my depression and intensified my lonely state. I also felt incredibly guilty that I was letting all of you down.

And then I heard from you, a lot of you. Calls, emails, texts, and blog messages. Thank you for your concern and thank you for asking me to write.

During one of these phone calls, I heard from a friend I had lost touch with. She is a writer and is also struggling with getting her career off the ground. We talked endlessly and inspired each other. We both admitted to being in ruts filled with writer’s block and despair. By the end of the conversation, she had purchased a plane ticket. We were going to get each other out of this and forge forward.

Rose arrived on Sunday. In two days, I’ve used my mind more than I have in a month. I have also made a huge decision. Previously, I held back with writing the “Navy Wife” novel. I believed this story was only my own and completely based on true events. I was not working on the novel because these events needed to unfold. I thought DADT needed to be overturned before I could really tell this story.

However, I realize now that I have the capability to represent the voice of so many silent spouses. I am not only telling my story: I want to tell yours. “Navy Wife” is no longer only the lives of Isabell James and Jo McCafferty. The book will now be based on true events occurring in the lives of gay military families across our nation.

I must sign off now and get moving with Chapter One.

Until next time…

IN on National Coming Out Day: We must break free from this slavery of love.

I have been so down lately, bordering on depressed.  Many individuals use this word lightly but I’ve been here once before, and I can assure you, I know the difference between depression and ‘the blues.’  To my defense, in late August, I lost my grandmother who had lived across the street from me for most of my life.  I have not been right since.  Being far away from my family in a place where Jo and I cannot be a real couple has increased the emotions.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and I am very aware that my writing has been a stream of negative energy involving a discussion of things we don’t have.  I have the love of my life.  I have my health.  And I am finally putting myself out there as a writer.  However, I can’t help but feel invisible.  In essence, I am.

I’ve been swimming against the current for weeks but have had my head above water until the events of last weekend.  I wasn’t overly optimistic about what the President would say at Saturday’s HRC event; however, I suppose I expected more than just the ‘same old, same old.’

I should add the disclaimer: I’m an illegitimate military spouse. No matter what Obama says that may be positive to others, until I have a clear understanding of his timeline regarding Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, I will not be happy.  Yes, President Obama once again eloquently stated that he would get rid of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  He indicated that he is with the gay community in that fight.  But President Obama couldn’t begin to understand this fight from the inside.  He doesn’t know how Jo and I feel as we begin to discuss future deployment and what that will mean for our family.    He doesn’t know what it is like to be invisible.

In regards to the Hate Crimes Bill, President Obama said, “Together we will have moved closer to that day when no one has to be afraid to be gay in America.  When no one has to fear walking down the street holding the hand of the person they love.”

Ironically, this is the feeling Jo and I experience each and every day as a gay couple in the military.

Then, last Sunday was National Coming Out Day.  Although I should be proud to have an amazing partner that I plan to spend my life with, this year’s Out day was extremely difficult for me.    It was my first as a closeted gay American.  I had friends texting from the National Equality March in DC saying they missed Jo and I.  God, did I miss them too.

According to the National Park Police (NPS), there were approximately 200,000 attendees at the Gay Rights Rally. I sat in my living room, box of tissues in hand, as I watched the coverage, speech-by-speech on CSPAN.  David Mixner, Democratic Political Strategist and author, was the first individual to bring on my waterworks.

He pointed out that there are different rights for the LGBT community than the rest of the country.  Urging President Obama to lead Congress and not be led by congress, Mixner suggested Obama end the funding for the prosecution of DADT.  As Mixner asked how many more tears will be shed until the politicians in some back room decide to join our fight for freedom, I shed more tears of my own.

Believe me, this is not the first time I’ve sat alone while Jo is at work feeling sorry for myself, but watching this rally reminded me of all that we don’t have.  How am I supposed to remain positive while there is so much to fight for?

Dan Choi, Army Combat Veteran of the Iraq War who was dismissed under DADT, also spoke at the rally.  I am so thankful for this man and his understanding of what we go through.    After ripping tape from his mouth, he said something that has been with me all week.  I struggled with sharing my depression with all of you, but it is the reality of the situation we are in, so here I am, sharing myself.

Choi said, “You are a slave to the one you love.”  Despite this fact, he went on to encourage, “Love is worth fighting for, love is worth it.”  He shouted to the group on the mall and into my quiet living room, “I am telling…will you tell with me?”

As much as I want to lie in bed and feel sorry for our community, and myself, I need to stand up and Tell.   I need to shake off this negativity and continue my fight.   We must break free from this slavery of love.