It is Saturday night. I am alone....again.
It's odd. Monday through Friday, 5AM- 6PM (ish), the lonely bug never bites. But when Jo works weekends, I can't seem to wear enough bug spray to keep it away. Once the lonely bug bites, it is comparable to a mosquito bite. It itches and itches and inches until you are finally able to forget about it. Unfortunately, by that time, the bite is swollen and red.
My metaphor is becoming a tangent. You get it. I am lonely.
In an effort to concentrate on my writing, I have not been my typically extroverted self in my new home. Crazy, right? No new friends to call for drinks while Jo is working. Thought process? My book will never get written at the local pub (which is my weakness and previous deterrent.) Therefore, it is Saturday night, I have writer's block, and even everyone on Facebook seems to be out and about having a lovely fall evening.
This is silly, I tell myself. I am completely capable of being alone. I do it at least once a weeknight and each weekday. Today is an exception, not the rule. I must distract myself.
I'm researching potential publications for article submissions. Everything I've read suggests you research at least three back issues of any publication you send your work to. You must have a clear understanding of the magazine, the section where your piece will appear and the tonality of other writers currently showcased.
My dream is to one day be a novelist in Oprah's book club. I will know I have reached the masses when I hear her say in her bellowing voice, "Isabellllllllllllll Jammmmmmmmmmes."
Hence, you can imagine why O magazine is on the top of my list (which also includes Curve and Advocate.) In an effort to squelch my lonely state, I pick up the September issue of O. The 'Connections' section is the most suitable for my genre of writing. Although the entire magazine teaches us to "Live Our Best Life," this particular section embodies human relationships.
As you can imagine, I almost skip the second Connection article entitled "Cups of Men."
However, one of those large, bold quotes grab my attention. Author, Heather Sellers, tells us, "Looking for love isn't a tragedy or a defect. It's a situation." I read on...
The three page piece depicts Heather's journey to meet various men from Match.com in an effort to censor her loneliness. At one point she writes, "The planet, which is so large and lonely and blue, and also hurtling through dark empty space. All of which you can feel when you are alone." At once, I pity this woman but know that she captures what so many of us feel. Whether you are single and lonely, married and lonely, or dating a doctor and lonely- we are all just seeking human connection. I blame Adam and Eve. Even the Creator suggests that we can't make it in this "dark empty space" alone.
So much for reading to kill the loneliness.
I'll watch an old movie, instead...
Some of you will say I set myself up with this next one. But honestly, I thought a classic starring a classic actor would cheer me up. I find Lifetime, and Ghost is on.
I'm completely shaken by Patrick Swayze's death, particularly because the bond between him and his real life wife seems so real, so strong. The pair remind me of my grandparents. I watch Ghost knowing I will cry; but think it will be cathartic. Instead of a good healthy cry, I'm surrounded by tissues hoping the neighbors can't hear my sobs. A great love story is apparently NOT something I need on this lonely night.
Still trying to cheer up...really, why don't I just go to bed?
I call my family... Another botched plan.
As I've mentioned in past blogs, my grandparents were married 56 years and my grandmother passed away a month ago.
I call my grandfather for our nightly check-in and heard him sobbing on the other end. I know he does this regularly; it does not make it any easier to hear. The words of comfort that I can normally muster do not even choke out. I quietly cry with him until we both decide to return to our lonely evenings.
You would think by now, I will just put myself to bed. Nope, that would be too easy.
I brush up on my art history...
Ok, really, I'm watching another movie on Lifetime but it is the story of Georgia O’Keefe. I love her work and assume her life story will be beautiful. Instead, the movie depicts a tragic love story between O’Keefe and her cheating husband.
My lonely evening has officially turned into an analysis of our need for human connection. Our search for our other half. The entire process is heartbreaking, isn't it? You might be a single girl searching online for love, feeling more desperate by the day; a young widow angry that your lover was taken too soon; or maybe you are lonely and heartbroken but your lover is still out there with someone else.
And then I think about the most difficult kind of love. The kind that is near perfect, lasting almost forever. But when death does do you part- what next? Would Grandpa take it all back to take away the pain he now must endure?
I'm going to be bed, but Grandpa calls. He sounds much better while he watches the Yankee game on the other end of the line. He says goodnight and reminds me to say my "Hail Mary’s" for my Grandma. I promise I will. No matter where she is, this man's heart will always belong to her. Who am I kidding? He wouldn't take anything back; I think he just wishes he could hurry up this living process to lie beside her. Isn't that what we are all looking for? Someone to love, honor and obey even after death parts us.
As I lay in bed, finally feeling a little better, my phone buzzes with a text message. My dear old friend, Mary, has just gotten engaged. My heart skips and for the first time all night, I smile. Mar has a mammoth sized heart and enough love to share with a village. I am elated that she is about to take the plunge into wedded bliss with a man who appreciates just how wonderful she is.
My loneliness is officially gone. Instead of going to bed with that itchy bug bite, I am infected with a different kind of insect. The love bug. As they say, " 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
After all, I haven't lost! I'm just living the life of a Navy wife.
