At The The Heart Of It All….

5/8/10 This past Friday was Military Spouse Appreciation Day and of course, I have immense mixed emotions. President Obama issued the following proclamation, “we reaffirm our steadfast commitment to supporting and honoring the husbands, wives, and loved ones of our Nation’s servicemembers.” As a military spouse, I have met incredible individuals who certainly deserve to be honored. Unfortunately, this honor is bittersweet coming from someone like me. I am no less of a supportive spouse, yet I am not supported by the Military. In fact, I am invisible and Jo is simply single.

The President eloquently described the difficult job of a military spouse who is ‘at the heart of our Armed Forces.’ I was impressed by his gesture until I was reminded that for me his words are meaningless. The President made promises of, “increasing servicemembers’ compensation as well as funding for better housing, job training, counseling, outreach, and support for spouses and their families.”

Well, Mr. President, what about us, the gay spouses? You know we deserve the support just as much as the next wife. You say that your administration is seriously committed to ‘fulfilling our obligations to them’ but don’t you think those obligations should include ALL servicemembers, not just the heterosexual ones?

Let us honor the spouses and families who support our servicemembers, including all of us invisible ones.

Almighty Cancer Patient Just Keeps Swimming Without Healthcare

There hasn’t been a time in my gay life that I haven’t known Courtney Talbot. I couldn’t tell you where or when we were introduced, but I can vividly picture the night I met her fish.  Much like Courtney, her new fish tattoo was bold, unique and filled with vivacious color.  Courtney was just an acquaintance so I didn’t tell her that the new ink conjured images from Finding Nemo.  Captivated by it’s piercing green eyes and slightly parted, delicate fish lips, I could almost hear it whisper just keep swimming (in Ellen DeGeneres’ voice.) Since that day the just keep swimming mantra has been synonymous with Courtney.  Her love of life embodies this expression and now, more than ever, she needs to remember to swim.   My old pal has been diagnosed with leukemia and to make matters worse, she has no health insurance.

Throughout February, Courtney pushed through sickness and continued to workout and job search.  Like many recent college graduates, she found herself with part-time work and absolutely no healthcare.   Despite aching bones and swollen lymph nodes, she avoided extensive medical testing due to cost.  After a Z-pack proved unsuccessful, the clinic sent her to the ER for follow-up.  With her white blood cell count through the roof, she was quickly admitted and then transferred to Robert Wood Johnson, ranked among the top hospitals in cancer care according to U.S. News & World Report.

On March 10, 2010, Courtney was diagnosed with Pre B cell acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia with Philadelphia chromosome. There are only five years of research on this particular strand of leukemia and much of the treatment is still in clinical trials. Courtney simply describes this as a “fork in the garbage disposal.”

She started chemotherapy and will need a bone marrow transplant; yet, shockingly, she isn’t scared. The power of love has something to do with that.  Her girlfriend of four years just began a new job to be closer.  While they want to take it one day at a time, domestic partner medical benefits may be available for Courtney if they decide to make it official with a civil union.

And now, with last week’s historic health reform, she may have other options. Political opinions aside, Congress is undeniably providing Americans something that is greatly needed. Courtney, with no heath insurance and extremely high medical costs ahead of her, has a lot to say.  “The expenses are killer but I have great friends and family that are fighting very hard to make sure I get the best. I cried because of the stress of how this is going to get paid, not because of the leukemia.”

This young woman put herself through college and comes from a hard-working middle class family.  One of her biggest pet peeves is Republicans who say Obama is a socialist for trying to pass healthcare reform. Simply put, Courtney says, “ I just want to know I’ll be taken care of.”  She adds, "I want to deal with my cancer. Heath insurance adds drama but I am fortunate enough to have family taking care of the rest.”

Courtney attributes much of her stamina to watching her sister’s fiancé, Andrew, fight Stage IV stomach cancer.  Doctors gave him two weeks to live and he beat the odds for many years.  Andrew’s battle ended in November 2009.  In his blog, lifedeathandcancer, Andrew said, “You can't choose the way you leave this life, but you can choose the way you live this life.”

And live Courtney Talbot will.  She has started a website to help with her medical expenses and raise awareness about all things cancer related.  The Almighty Talbot is a window into the world of cancer. Courtney compares her cancer with going to war, “I have a long battle ahead of me, but I can laugh again.”

Through The Almighty Talbot, Courtney hopes individuals will follow her experience, share their own, and ask questions.  This is not only her outlet, it is yours. And your mother’s, your brother’s, and anyone else who has been touched by this horrible disease. This line of open communication gives Courtney a new lease on life. She says it is us, and her commitment to shedding light on cancer for all, that is giving her the energy to get out of bed each day.

Turns out, my initial thoughts of Courtney’s leukemia were all wrong.  She doesn’t need to be reminded to Just Keep Swimming. She’ll be the one reminding us.

Share your story. Share a dollar.  Visit The Almighty Talbot.

Finding Hope in Constance McMillen

I knew I was gay at my senior prom.  Yet, I did not share this with anyone, not even my best friend.  Ironically, it was this very best friend who I was in love with.  I went to the prom with her younger sister's boyfriend.  Pretty twisted, huh?  I needed a date and he needed a ticket to prom.

I remember like it was yesterday welling up with tears on the buffet line in my Jessica McClinton gown.  My crush (best friend) was already in touch with her lesbianism and she 'missed her girlfriend.'  I don't if I was stricken with pain that I was not her girlfriend, or if I was simply freaking out because I felt doomed.  Surrounded by young couples dancing, kissing and enjoying one last blissful night before college, I feared I wouldn't experience that kind of joy.  I thought I would never be able to dance with the woman I loved as carefree as my straight peers.

Ironically, after years of openly experiencing that kind of teenage bliss, I am once again hiding.  Only now, instead of high school, I am in a grown-up closet filled with Navy uniforms.  Sometimes I still feel like that seventeen year old in her red ball gall, praying no one finds out who I really am.

Yesterday, Jo and I worked out at the gym on base. Despite the need to constantly keep my hands and words (honey, baby, sweetheart) in check, I love the equipment and spending extra time with my love.   I play my favorite lesbian tunes on my iPod which gives me a secret thrill.  Today, I was working out to As Cool As I Am By Dar Williams. Ironically, upon the line You tried to make me doubt, to make me guess, tried to make me feel like a little less, something on the television grabbed my eye.

Constance McMillen. I'm sure by now, you have become familiar with her name. In case you have not, she is the teen whose prom has been canceled because she asked to bring her girlfriend and wear a tux.

While I would typically rant about her school board, I only feel Hope.  Constance provides Hope in this crazy country that is denying us the right to marry, serve openly in our military, share benefits with our spouse, adopt children.  Constance, at such a young age, chose to be who she is, without fear of judgment.  She gives me Hope that in the near future we will live in a world where everyone can go to prom with who they like, dressed how they like.

I wish I could boldly stand up like her.  For now, I will smile on the elliptical knowing that this young woman is out there, changing the world for us all.  And I'll turn up my iPod and rock out, surrounded by all of the military personnel who assume I'm just another Navy Wife.


And then I go outside and join the others, I am the others. Oh--and thats not easy, I don't know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me.

Millionaire Matchmaker Features Bi-curious/Lesbian Date

AHHH, so excited:
http://lezgetreal.com/?p=27974

Navy Wife the Nanny

I don't lie. I have always been fortunate enough to never have to.  Until now.

Since Jo and I moved, I have been working from home. While I love writing all day, I need to supplement my income. My money troubles have been interfering with the creative process and to  be honest, I feel pretty damn guilty that Jo always takes me out. Let's remember: as a result of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, she doesn't get a penny for my existence (unlike her straight counterparts who receive additional income for their spouse and children.)

Hence, I have been MIA on my blog; instead, I have been all over Monster. Unfortunately, 
we are in a recession. Who knew? I've been away from the job search for so long, I didn't realize what slim pickings are out there.  I received a few callbacks regarding my resume, but sadly, no one who has called is paying much.

I have no service experience or I would most likely be tending bar right now. I decided to return to a job I haven't done since college, but figured it would be like riding a bike. Grabbing the classifieds 
and perusing Craig's List, I searched for a nanny position.

I found the perfect family in no time and began my new position quickly. The kids have been good. Ok, it has been challenging  to transition from young professional to professional poopy wiper, but 
we shall save that for another post. The reason I write today is to get my secret off my chest...I'm gay!

Sure, all of you know this already and could care less. But my new family has no idea. Jo is simply my roommate and I dive deeper into the closet on a daily basis. Go figure? I hoped getting a new job would get me OUT of the house. Oh, the irony.

Why didn't I just tell them? Well, for one, you never know if parents will be weird. Some actually have the false belief that we will infect their children with 'the gay.' Another huge reason I didn't share my sexuality? Jo's career. What if my new employers had friends in the military? Even if they were comfortable with my sexual identity, what if they told the wrong person about mine and Jo's relationship?

Alas, my bank account has some padding and the depression from my lonely days has subsided. But I lie, just like Jo does, about who I am. I'm finally getting up and OUT every day, only now, I'm more IN than ever.

A New Kind of Straight Bar: On Ourbiggayborhood.com

Check out my new post on a great new site: http://www.ourbiggayborhood.com/2010/03/a-new-kind-of-straight-bar/

DADT Repeal in Senate: Contact Your Senator TODAY

Imagine for a moment:

What would your life be like if you could not live openly with the woman or man of your choice.   This is how gays in the military, and we- their invisible partners- must live each day. We hide.

As Bridget reported earlier (read here), the Military Readiness Enhancement Act of 2010 was introduced to the Senate today.  This bill would REPEAL Don't Ask, Don't Tell. If passed, The Department of Defense would still conduct its study; however, they would be determining HOW to implement repeal and not WHETHER to implement repeal. In addition, the Military Readiness Enhancement Act would END discharges immediately.


The Senate needs to hear from you. Please take action now!!! Tell your Senators to co-sponsor and pass the Senate's Military Readiness Enhancement Act of 2010.  PFLAG has a great site to figure out who you should contact. Learn the name of your U.S. Senators, here.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell is a disgusting law that must end. Even if this bill will not change your daily life, please help us bring change to our nation.  This is an important step in all of our equal rights.

What Should You Be?

"Be who you are," said the Dutchess to Alice, "or, if you would like it put more simply, never try to be what you might have been or could have been other than what you should have been." (Lewis Carroll)

It's been awhile since I just wrote.  No agenda, no plea to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell...just me and my crazy thoughts about life.   I can feel that I haven't been writing enough. There is a serious difference in my energy when I do.

I don't know if I've ever shared my professional background with you.  Prior to moving with Jo, I had my 'dream' marketing job.  The money was right, I had my own corner office and fabulous benefits.  The position was exactly what I "could have been." It was the best job I have ever had, yet I was miserable.  My daily professional existence sucked all of my creative drive.

I've always wanted to write in order to touch hearts and make lives better, mostly those of anyone feeling lost and lonely.   I was so confused and sad during my teenage and college years. By sharing my experiences with depression and coming out, I hope that others won't feel they are on their own. And now again, I am in a situation where I often feel invisible.  I write about our life under Don't Ask, Don't Tell so those of you going through it won't feel so alone.  We're in this together. 

With that said, I have always believed I would do this on some sort of large scale.  I don't want to reach just one or two people, but really be a voice for a generation.  I lost this dream for a long time.  It is so fucking scary to admit that you want to go out on a limb.  That you want to achieve greatness. That you want to leave everything you could be, and be everything that you are.  Especially, when somewhere along the way, you may have lost yourself.  Slowly but surely, I'm getting back in touch with my dreams.

And that's where we are now.  Jo works crazy hours, achieving her grand dreams and providing for us so that I can achieve mine.  She believes in me. Some days, lately most days, I have been letting my fear of failure (and lack of fiscal contribution) get the best of me. The only thing left? For me to believe in myself.  This is the key hurdle between us and our dreams, isn't it?

So I remind you again, of the Dutchess' words, "Never try to be what you might have been or could have been other than what you should have been."

Unsure of what I "should be doing" to attain my crazy dreams, I will continue to have passion each  day, write from my heart and simply be true to who I am.

End Funding of DADT Discharges

Sometimes, I really think we need to move out of this country.  Our lack of equal rights disgusts me and the politicians often disappoint. Checking the morning news, I stopped at LezGetReal to see Bridgette LaVictoire's post about Senator Gillibrand's amendment to end the funding of DADT discharges.  I clicked ahead with anticipation of a formal announcement.

Gillibrand is indeed proposing this amendment. Unfortunately, her intention-her integrity-has been questioned.  Bruce Blakeman, an opponent against Gillibrand for the US Senate in NY, believes  Gillibrand is simply trying to impress voters at this point in time. Blakeman stated, “Sen. Gillibrand’s actions are nothing more than political grandstanding in an election year. The Pentagon is examining the policy and will make a recommendation in the future. Attempting to short circuit the process to score cheap political points is irresponsible. … We are a nation at war and the last thing our troops fighting overseas need is for politicians back home to be placing their political ambitions before the mission.....Sen. Gillibrand should encourage a full and honest debate by our military leaders in determining whether “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is a policy that should be continued or repealed.”

THE LAST THING, Mr. Blakeman, OUR TROOPS FIGHTING OVERSEAS NEED is to HIDE THEIR FAMILIES.  The LAST THING these troops need is one more year of FEAR.  
Blakeman's comments are unfounded, inapporopriate, and an attempt at media attention- shoot! He just got what he wanted, I'm writing about it- again-for LGR.

As a member of the GLBT community that Gillibrand defends, I have never questioned her integrity.  I appreciate her consistency, action and determination for our equal rights. I understand that things need to be done 'right' but words are no longer enough. I wish they would offer an olive branch in the form of defunding of discharges. While the Pentagon 'examines' the matter, Senator Gillibrand proposes an amendment that could immediately ease our fear and set the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell in motion.

In regards to Bruce Blakeman- if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Don't forget to call the White House, friends.

CBS Denies Gay Super Bowl Ad

Jo left early for work this morning so I've been catching up on the news.  My peaceful Sunday morning disrupted with some Gay Hate. 

Super Bowl Sunday and I'm already annoyed.  I don't even watch the game!  A former marketing guru, I tune in to the Super Bowl each year to watch the commercials.   CBS determined which controversial ads they will not air this evening. The Victim? ManCrunch

Clearly, I'm not too familiar with male dating websites, but as far as I can see, this one is no different than Match.com, except for their homosexual focus.  I will admit ManCrunch's commercial is a little racy with two men in jerseys touching hands over a bowl of chips leading to an abrupt makeout session.

But aren't Super Bowl ads typically the most divisive?

Oh wait- I forgot.  CBS did accept one controversial ad-the anti-abortion commercial featuring the mother of quarterback Tim Tebow.  So is it safe to say CBS would rather have children asking their parents about abortion rather than why two boys are kissing?

I'm not sure why everyone considers us (gays) so controversial?  Just when I think we are getting somewhere, I realize society isn't nearly as progressive as I think. And CBS is as conservative as I thought.

 

Check the ManCrunch Commercial

End DADT in 332 Days: Call the President, Demand Change

For anyone who may have missed his speech last Wednesday, President Obama mentioned Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT); he stated repeal would occur "This Year." The following day in Tampa,  referencing a moment before the 2008 Presidential election, President Obama quoted himself, "Change never comes without a fight."

We may have some initial, actual progress. The first DADT hearings in seventeen years will began today.  Robert Gates declared "The question before us is not whether the military prepares to make this change, but how we ... best prepare for it. We have received our orders from the commander in chief and we are moving out accordingly."

Although Gates plans to establish a panel to study the issue, this could take a year or more.  Unfortunately, when asked if the military would provide a moratorium on discharges, Gates responded poorly, "I'll get back to you on that."

Together, we will end Don't Ask, Don't Tell in 2010.  There are 332 days left.
Jo and I encourage all of you to write, call, protest and pray. 



A GREAT Message from SLDN:

Call the White House Switchboard

Call the White House switchboard at 202-456-1414 and tell the president to: 

     >  Make good on his commitment to end "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and include repeal in his defense budget
     >  Partner with Congress so that we can get repeal done in 2010

Example Script for Your Call
Hello, my name is __________ and I'm calling from __________ (city, state).

I'm calling to urge President Obama to keep his promise to end "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and include repeal in his defense budget. This discrimination is wrong. Firing qualified service members simply because they're gay needs to stop in 2010. Thank you. 


Movements for Change

Servicemembers Legal Defense Network

http://www.sldn.org/

Voices of Honor Campaign
HRC, Partnering with Servicemembers United on a National Tour to Repeal DADT

http://www.hrc.org/sites/voicesofhonor/index.asp


Campaign for Military Partners
Servicemembers United leads this initiative to reach out to, recognize, connect, and support the partners of active duty gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender military personnel
http://militarypartners.org/
SLDN

Don't Ask, Don't Tell Story Project
http://www.kirstengillibrand.com/dadtstoryproject.com/

Resource and Reality Check
http://dadtarchive.org/
Take a look at how many have been discharged for being who they are.

Obama to Repeal DADT "This Year" : Change in 337 Days?

January 28, 2010

Dear President Obama,

Thank you; I am once again hopeful.  You have given yourself, and us, a timeline regarding Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT).  Tonight in your State of the Union address you said, “This year.”

Wow.  Your words and commitment to this cause have brought our family renewed hope and faith. “This year!”  Life could change for Josephine (my active duty partner) and I, sometime over the next 337 days.  I will now look forward to a night of good sleep when I am no longer living in a state of heightened anticipation.

Valerie Jarnett, one of your senior advisors, was just on the Rachel Maddow show.  She reassured us that repeal is something you intend to accomplish, with an action plan being generated in the coming days and weeks.  Jo and I, and the LGBTQ community anxiously await this much anticipated announcement; the repeal of DADT will bring us out of hiding and enable us to live like other military families, encouraged by the supportive America you asked for tonight.

My partner simply wants to serve her country without fear. I would like to openly support her beyond the confines of our home.  Mr. President, as you said, “It’s the right thing to do.”

Thank you for your word and for keeping your promise to repeal this unconscionable and
unconstitutional policy.  I look forward to change in the next 337 days.

Sincerely hopeful,
Isabell James, Partner of a lesbian service membe

Gay Teachers: Victims Under Another Form of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I’m always venting about the lack of equal rights for gays in the military.  I pray for the day my girlfriend can Tell.  But for some of you, that day may never come.  There are certain professions, I am coming to find, that will always be prejudice against homosexuality.  Obviously, this is also combated with the location you reside in.  Can you tell there is a story coming on? 

I’ve mentioned my good friend, Six.  She and her partner, Lillian, live in Virginia; unfortunately, just next door to gay friendly and marriage supporting DC.  Regardless, the two have a home, an adorable puppy, and a recent engagement to enter into the next phase of their beautiful life (with or without the support of their state.)

Sadly, Six does not and cannot share this life in her workplace.  She is affected by a very different case of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, ” one that has never been named.  Six is a teacher.  She works in an inner city district, home to some narrow-minded faculty, staff and student/parent body.   In fact, last year Six’s gay best friend on the job was appalled when their principal announced to the staff that She would never hire a gay person.  Go figure? Two of her best teachers were playing for this fabulous team of ours.

Staying positive in difficult times is an attribute that I long to attain.  Thankfully, Six is someone I typically look to for inspiration.  She loves her job, her students and a private home life with Lil.  She does not let her homophobic work environment get her down.  Until a couple of weeks ago.

I received several calls and voicemails from my normally patient friend (most can tell you I average at least 5 days or more with a return call- something I am trying to remedy in the New Year.)  I also got some nudging from her other half to get in touch with her.  When we finally spoke, my view of the education system changed forever.

Six shared the story of a recent camping trip for the students in her district.  Although the incident did not take place at her specific school, word of disgusting events travels fast.  The teachers went as chaperons, as well as parents if they chose to attend.  The trip would be one night in the wilderness.

One of the little boys had two mommies.  A very homophobic district in Maryland, lesbian moms were not their biggest issue.  One of these moms looked a little different; she looked a little more masculine.  Parents raised concern over her attendance and participation in a sleepover in the girls’ tent (all female parents chaperoned the girls and vice versa.)  Quickly, the faculty came up with a solution.  The masculine mother would sleep with the boys.

Take a moment.  Reread the last line.  Yes, that is what I said.  And yes, it is 2010.

Six asked if I was still on the line when she got to this point of the story.  Normally, a complete chatterbox, I was utterly speechless.  And sick to my stomach.  This poor mother was being ostracized and denied a nice, memorable evening with her child.  For what? Her looks? Her sexuality?

Most parents have a desire to shield their children from any pain or embarrassment.  Sadly, this mother did not fight or make a scene.  For the sake of her child, she left the campsite while her son slept, drove an hour home and then drove an hour back again to be there when the sunlight entered his tent.

As Six told me of her own anger, I began to cry in my kitchen.  I might feel invisible as a Navy Wife, but thank God we do not have children who to feel that something is missing. 

These moments in our world disgust me. When Lil and Six have children- or any of us for that matter- I want to attend field trips hand-in-hand without hesitation or fear. We must ban together to change this country’s view. I would love to see the day when Six’s principal Asks if she is married, and Six can confidently Tell.  I suppose the military is not the only organization with a code of conduct in direct violation of our equal rights.  We shall overcome….

Welcome to 2010

I've always appreciated the expression “stop and smell the roses,” but I can't say that I have ever completely internalized the thought process.  I certainly haven't practiced this way of life.  Recently, Jo and I spent a good amount of time with family and friends.  A whirlwind of visits and vodka, all the while we tried to stop and smell the roses; unfortunately, sometimes when you try to fit everything in, you might just hit the thorns and bleed too much to care about the delightful scent.  Am I taking this analogy too far? 

My lady and I ended 2009 blessed and blissful. On January 2nd, I make a list of important goals (and resolutions) I would like to accomplish in the year to come.  2010’s list includes a similar adage to “stop and smell the roses.”  

I was walking our younger puppy shortly after New Year’s and I noticed how she abruptly sat whenever the wind crossed her path.  She seemed to be experiencing the moment in all its glory.  I imagined she was thinking, peeing on the grass can wait, but this wind could pass me by.  I suppose I think of her as too philosophical; regardless, she was certainly living in the now, pausing to experience a rich moment of life.  On the top of my list of 2010 resolutions is to stop for a moment each day and feel the wind against my skin. 

Christmas Gift from my Navy Wife

Although I call myself a Navy 'Wife,' Jo and I are not married.  We can't be.

Prior to the big move, we came to explore our new base.  Jo wanted to document the occasion and the next step in our lives with a gift. My first piece of Navy apparel: a sweatshirt emblazoned with "Navy Girlfriend." That is all I am and all I can ever be until the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy is overturned.

Ironically, we bought the Girlfriend gift during the same weekend Barack Obama was in Washington, DC being inaugurated as the first Black president.  Jo and I hoped within a year's time, perhaps we could legally upgrade to the next level of sweatshirt: wife.  But here we are, almost one full year later, living an active duty life, and I'm still wearing Girlfriend across my heart.

I received an early Christmas gift that may, quite possibly, be more special than the standard diamond ring.  In honor of my blog's one year anniversary and my role in her life, Jo presented me with my very own "Navy Wife" apparel.  Although I can't walk down the aisle with Josephine to make it official, in the comfort of our home and the safety of the blogosphere, I am just as much of a wife as all of those women on base.  And maybe next year, the change will finally come. Thankfully, next year is right around the corner and hope is hanging in the closet.

Request to Pentagon for Monthly Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Reports

Perhaps it’s this time of year, but I feel dizzy with Love and brimming with Thanks.  Everywhere I turn (on the news, of course), it seems someone is speaking on behalf of our peaceful, loving community.  We are so blessed to have dynamic individuals looking out for our rights and campaigning for our equality. I am thrilled to report yet another ally.  This man is doing great things for the closeted gay military (which you know is a subject near and dear to my heart.)

Congressman Jim Moran sent a letter, signed by 96 Members of Congress, on December 18^th to Robert Gates, Secretary of Defense. Moran requested monthly reports of service members discharged in 2009 under the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy. These reports would detail rank, branch, and time in service. Moran asked the Office of the Secretary of Defense to provide all DADT data from January 1, 2009 until the present; the deadline is January 15, 2010.  

Congressman Moran urges for the exposure of DADT discharge data in order to show the loss of national defense and level of waste in taxpayer dollars. Since DADT began, more than 13,500 service members have been lost, at a deficit of over $400 million.  

For some, I'm sure this seems like a small step. However, to those of us that sit quietly in the closet, this request might as well be a pep rally.  Americans-gay, straight, military or civilian- need to truly understood the determent of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  And when they do, perhaps then, change will come.

The following letter was sent to the Pentagon on December 18, 2009:

Dear Secretary Gates: 

We write today with regards to the current prohibition on openly gay and lesbian service members in the military, commonly known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT). 

This discriminatory policy results in the Department of Defense losing tens of millions each year in unrecoverable recruiting and training costs. The 2006 Blue Ribbon Commission’s report on DADT found that the Pentagon wasted over $360 million due to this policy from 1994 until 2003, the last year studied. Since its enactment in 1994, over 13,500 service members have been discharged under DADT, including 730 mission critical soldiers and over 65 Arabic and Farsi linguists vital to the war on terrorism. 

To increase transparency on the effects the DADT policy is having on our military and by extension our national defense, we request that the Office of the Secretary of Defense provide data on the current number of DADT discharges since January 1, 2009 to the present, no later than January 15, 2010. In addition, we request monthly reports thereafter to Congress detailing the number of enlisted service members and officers discharged under the policy including their job specialty (MOS), time in the service and branch of the military.  Through these monthly updates, Congress and the public will get a clearer picture of the continued costs and damage to our national security inflicted by this policy. 

We appreciate your attention to this matter and look forward to a timely response.

                                                Sincerely,

                                                James P. Moran

From the Press Room at the Palm Center

The original letter sent to Secretary Gates can be found here.

Lesbian Navy Love

Thanks to Paula (my editor at LezGetReal) for finding this photo...amazing!!! 

But I will offer some visual, Jo is a bit more feminine:)

Sue Fulton of Knights Out Against Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Although it affects Jo and I on a daily basis, my own grandfather isn't 100% in favor of repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Hence, I am grateful when someone agrees that the code is ludicrous. Especially when this someone graduated from the US Military Academy, served for five years in the Signal Corps in Germany, as a platoon leader, staff officer, and company commander and openly speaks out against Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

This woman on our side is Sue Fulton.  The Sunday morning guest on Rainbow Radio co-founded Knights Out and currently acts as their Communications Director.  Knights Out is an organization of LGBTQ West Point alumni with 75 graduates who are OUT.  There are another 150 graduate supporters including former West Point professors, Rhodes Scholars, decorated combat veterans from the Vietnam War, Iraq and Afghanistan, and many others who are coming out and serving their country in a new way.

Knights Out takes a firm stance against Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  From the West Point Cadet Prayer, the organization's mantra states "..never to be content with a half-truth when the whole truth can be won."  Fulton understands our plight for equality in its true form.  Fulton described Knights Out's mission as a statement of honor.  They strive for full equal rights for gays in the military and the opportunity to stand up and tell the truth.

Despite her active role in Don't Ask, Don't Tell reform, Fulton discussed her previous experience as a lesbian in the military. Fulton painted a sad picture of closeted lesbian life at West Point and the lifestyle that proceeded as an active duty soldier. She was investigated in the early 1980s due to false accusations by a homophobic commander.  Although the charges were dropped, Fulton described the agony she experienced during the investigation.  It still " haunts her "that she was forced to lie about her sexual preference.  When Daniel Choi came out earlier this year (Choi is a co-founder of Knights Out), Fulton finally experienced some liberation.

Fulton was optimistic that the initial repeal of DADT could take place within the next year.  With her on our side, perhaps she might be right.

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GUEST BLOG: Engaged in the Garden State

I typically stick to discussion of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but with all of the recent marriage events, I feel I can't sit quiet much longer.  Jo and I will not legally marry until DADT is repealed; therefore, marriage has not been my top issue.  But let's face it, most of us dream of walking down the aisle to wedded gay bliss; and we may never get the full legal chance.

I have an old friend in New Jersey who was engaged long before there was even a civil union option. The Garden State was due to vote on gay MARRIAGE this past Thursday, yet they pushed back the vote.

TJ was filling me in on the details over a nice little Facebook chat.  I thought we could all learn a something from her story, and I've asked her to share with you...

Engaged in the Garden State

I'm pretty confident that most would say I’ve led a charmed life.  Born and raised in a perfect little nook on the Jersey Shore (just north of the fist pumping and hair gel), I arrived from a definition nuclear family.  My coming out story was about as close to a fairy tale as you’d expect.  There were some small bumps along the way, but only because I didn’t know how to properly stand up for myself yet.  

Fast forward to nine years and a handful of lesbian relationships later- we have a politically obsessed, civil rights on the brain, bitter and frustrated, open-endedly engaged, TG.

So what’s it like being gay and engaged in New Jersey? 

My fiance, Sasha, is probably one of the most independent and opinionated people I know.   Surprisingly, though, when it comes to politics she is a little apathetic.   This works out pretty well for us.  I do the research and form my opinions and then I rant them to her.  Some of them stick and later on I hear her repeat them with conviction and I get all warm and fuzzy inside.  

For a year or two we were happy to just be engaged.  We got diamond rings for each other and talked about bits and pieces of what our wedding would be like.  We continuously deflected all of the questions about setting the date with the reply of “we want to wait until its legal”.  After a while, some bitterness set in and our responses began to get more and more negative.  We’ve even watched (straight) friends get engaged after us and marry before us.

A couple of years ago, New Jersey made a peace offering by legalizing civil unions for same sex couples.  We opted not to get one.  To me, right from the get go it reeked of second class treatment.  My thoughts were:  If it is equal to a marriage, then why not call it a marriage?  We all know that separate but equal doesn’t work, so I’ll save my Brown v. Board of Ed. rant for another time and place.  

The NJ Civil Union Act was enacted in February of ‘07 and within a year the Civil Union Review Commission deemed it as a failure.   One point for me.  Still no marriage for me, though.

In the time since this failure was noted, a Same Sex Marriage Bill has been written and just this past week was given the go ahead by the Senate Judiciary Board to be pushed through to an official Senate vote.  The vote was supposed to take place on Thursday, December 10th, but was postponed at the last minute.  Sponsors of the bill believed that they didn’t have adequate vote support in the Senate for it to pass.  

Next month, New Jersey will have a new, Republican governor, Chris Christie.  Mr. Christie publicly opposes gay marriage and has vowed to veto the bill if it reaches his desk.   Our lame duck governor, Jon Corzine, has on the other hand, vowed to sign the gay marriage bill when and if it lands on his desk.   So here we are, with 2009 winding down and Governor Corzine’s reign coming to an end, lobbying our gay fannies off to get the NJ State Senators to understand that equality is essential all within the next 3 weeks.  The alternative? Four more years of engagement.  I think I’ll lobby.

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

So often, since we moved and embarked on this Navy adventure, I hop on my blog and rant about all of the things that are missing from our our life.  Wow, have I had a reality check these past few weeks.

I've always been a sucker for the holiday season, but this year the holidays have been particularly special. I thought Thanksgiving would be difficult as it would be the first for Jo and I without our 'family.' However, the day arrived and I began to realize as we grow, so does our definition of family. Without the presence of our extended family members, Jo and I truly embraced the start of this new chapter for the McCafferty-James clan. We have so much to be thankful for, many blessings to count and most importantly, each other.

Thanksgiving morning began with puppy kisses to be grateful for.  It was a beautiful day off with my sweetheart.  We spent the morning watching the parade and preparing for a feast at our friend's house.  We iChatted with family back home and Facebooked loved ones, near and far.   I certainly missed my Grandmother on this first holiday without her, but the day reminded me that we must keep making memories to cherish.

Black Friday has been a tradition in our home for as long as Dad's been carving the turkey.  This would be my first without Mom and sisters in tow.  Again, the day was cherished and the outlets still divine.  Jo and I shopped through the night, texting my family as we found beautiful sweaters for $10 and toys to send to the nieces and nephews.  It is amazing how much technology can keep you together when you are away.

As we installed our new blue ray and crashed on the couch to watching a new $9 DVD, I counted my blessings instead of sheep. As a lesbian Navy wife, I sometimes forget to stand back and remember all that we do have.  We, as a family (all gays, not just Jo and I) have come a long way.  I am confident we will see the day when our rights are equal in this country, but for TODAY, let us be thankful for how blessed we already are.