Navy Wife

At The The Heart Of It All….

2010-06-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

5/8/10 This past Friday was Military Spouse Appreciation Day and of course, I have immense mixed emotions. President Obama issued the following proclamation, “we reaffirm our steadfast commitment to supporting and honoring the husbands, wives, and loved ones of our Nation’s servicemembers.” As a military spouse, I have met incredible individuals who certainly deserve to be honored. Unfortunately, this honor is bittersweet coming from someone like me. I am no less of a supportive spouse, yet I am not supported by the Military. In fact, I am invisible and Jo is simply single.

The President eloquently described the difficult job of a military spouse who is ‘at the heart of our Armed Forces.’ I was impressed by his gesture until I was reminded that for me his words are meaningless. The President made promises of, “increasing servicemembers’ compensation as well as funding for better housing, job training, counseling, outreach, and support for spouses and their families.”

Well, Mr. President, what about us, the gay spouses? You know we deserve the support just as much as the next wife. You say that your administration is seriously committed to ‘fulfilling our obligations to them’ but don’t you think those obligations should include ALL servicemembers, not just the heterosexual ones?

Let us honor the spouses and families who support our servicemembers, including all of us invisible ones.

Almighty Cancer Patient Just Keeps Swimming Without Healthcare

2010-04-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

There hasn’t been a time in my gay life that I haven’t known Courtney Talbot. I couldn’t tell you where or when we were introduced, but I can vividly picture the night I met her fish. Much like Courtney, her new fish tattoo was bold, unique and filled with vivacious color. Courtney was just an acquaintance so I didn’t tell her that the new ink conjured images from Finding Nemo. Captivated by it’s piercing green eyes and slightly parted, delicate fish lips, I could almost hear it whisper just keep swimming (in Ellen DeGeneres’ voice.) Since that day the just keep swimming mantra has been synonymous with Courtney. Her love of life embodies this expression and now, more than ever, she needs to remember to swim. My old pal has been diagnosed with leukemia and to make matters worse, she has no health insurance.

Throughout February, Courtney pushed through sickness and continued to workout and job search. Like many recent college graduates, she found herself with part-time work and absolutely no healthcare. Despite aching bones and swollen lymph nodes, she avoided extensive medical testing due to cost. After a Z-pack proved unsuccessful, the clinic sent her to the ER for follow-up. With her white blood cell count through the roof, she was quickly admitted and then transferred to Robert Wood Johnson, ranked among the top hospitals in cancer care according to U.S. News & World Report.

On March 10, 2010, Courtney was diagnosed with Pre B cell acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia with Philadelphia chromosome. There are only five years of research on this particular strand of leukemia and much of the treatment is still in clinical trials. Courtney simply describes this as a “fork in the garbage disposal.”

She started chemotherapy and will need a bone marrow transplant; yet, shockingly, she isn’t scared. The power of love has something to do with that. Her girlfriend of four years just began a new job to be closer. While they want to take it one day at a time, domestic partner medical benefits may be available for Courtney if they decide to make it official with a civil union.

And now, with last week’s historic health reform, she may have other options. Political opinions aside, Congress is undeniably providing Americans something that is greatly needed. Courtney, with no heath insurance and extremely high medical costs ahead of her, has a lot to say. “The expenses are killer but I have great friends and family that are fighting very hard to make sure I get the best. I cried because of the stress of how this is going to get paid, not because of the leukemia.”

This young woman put herself through college and comes from a hard-working middle class family. One of her biggest pet peeves is Republicans who say Obama is a socialist for trying to pass healthcare reform. Simply put, Courtney says, “ I just want to know I’ll be taken care of.” She adds, "I want to deal with my cancer. Heath insurance adds drama but I am fortunate enough to have family taking care of the rest.”

Courtney attributes much of her stamina to watching her sister’s fiancé, Andrew, fight Stage IV stomach cancer. Doctors gave him two weeks to live and he beat the odds for many years. Andrew’s battle ended in November 2009. In his blog, lifedeathandcancer, Andrew said, “You can't choose the way you leave this life, but you can choose the way you live this life.”

And live Courtney Talbot will. She has started a website to help with her medical expenses and raise awareness about all things cancer related. The Almighty Talbot is a window into the world of cancer. Courtney compares her cancer with going to war, “I have a long battle ahead of me, but I can laugh again.”

Through The Almighty Talbot, Courtney hopes individuals will follow her experience, share their own, and ask questions. This is not only her outlet, it is yours. And your mother’s, your brother’s, and anyone else who has been touched by this horrible disease. This line of open communication gives Courtney a new lease on life. She says it is us, and her commitment to shedding light on cancer for all, that is giving her the energy to get out of bed each day.

Turns out, my initial thoughts of Courtney’s leukemia were all wrong. She doesn’t need to be reminded to Just Keep Swimming. She’ll be the one reminding us.

Share your story. Share a dollar. Visit The Almighty Talbot.

Finding Hope in Constance McMillen

2010-03-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

I knew I was gay at my senior prom. Yet, I did not share this with anyone, not even my best friend. Ironically, it was this very best friend who I was in love with. I went to the prom with her younger sister's boyfriend. Pretty twisted, huh? I needed a date and he needed a ticket to prom.

I remember like it was yesterday welling up with tears on the buffet line in my Jessica McClinton gown. My crush (best friend) was already in touch with her lesbianism and she 'missed her girlfriend.' I don't if I was stricken with pain that I was not her girlfriend, or if I was simply freaking out because I felt doomed. Surrounded by young couples dancing, kissing and enjoying one last blissful night before college, I feared I wouldn't experience that kind of joy. I thought I would never be able to dance with the woman I loved as carefree as my straight peers.

Ironically, after years of openly experiencing that kind of teenage bliss, I am once again hiding. Only now, instead of high school, I am in a grown-up closet filled with Navy uniforms. Sometimes I still feel like that seventeen year old in her red ball gall, praying no one finds out who I really am.

Yesterday, Jo and I worked out at the gym on base. Despite the need to constantly keep my hands and words (honey, baby, sweetheart) in check, I love the equipment and spending extra time with my love. I play my favorite lesbian tunes on my iPod which gives me a secret thrill. Today, I was working out to As Cool As I Am By Dar Williams. Ironically, upon the line You tried to make me doubt, to make me guess, tried to make me feel like a little less, something on the television grabbed my eye.

Constance McMillen. I'm sure by now, you have become familiar with her name. In case you have not, she is the teen whose prom has been canceled because she asked to bring her girlfriend and wear a tux.

While I would typically rant about her school board, I only feel Hope. Constance provides Hope in this crazy country that is denying us the right to marry, serve openly in our military, share benefits with our spouse, adopt children. Constance, at such a young age, chose to be who she is, without fear of judgment. She gives me Hope that in the near future we will live in a world where everyone can go to prom with who they like, dressed how they like.

I wish I could boldly stand up like her. For now, I will smile on the elliptical knowing that this young woman is out there, changing the world for us all. And I'll turn up my iPod and rock out, surrounded by all of the military personnel who assume I'm just another Navy Wife.

And then I go outside and join the others, I am the others. Oh--and thats not easy, I don't know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me.

Millionaire Matchmaker Features Bi-curious/Lesbian Date

2010-03-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

AHHH, so excited:
http://lezgetreal.com/?p=27974

Navy Wife the Nanny

2010-03-09T19:07:00.000-08:00

I don't lie. I have always been fortunate enough to never have to. Until now.

Since Jo and I moved, I have been working from home. While I love writing all day, I need to supplement my income. My money troubles have been interfering with the creative process and to be honest, I feel pretty damn guilty that Jo always takes me out. Let's remember: as a result of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, she doesn't get a penny for my existence (unlike her straight counterparts who receive additional income for their spouse and children.)

Hence, I have been MIA on my blog; instead, I have been all over Monster. Unfortunately,
we are in a recession. Who knew? I've been away from the job search for so long, I didn't realize what slim pickings are out there. I received a few callbacks regarding my resume, but sadly, no one who has called is paying much.

I have no service experience or I would most likely be tending bar right now. I decided to return to a job I haven't done since college, but figured it would be like riding a bike. Grabbing the classifieds
and perusing Craig's List, I searched for a nanny position.

I found the perfect family in no time and began my new position quickly. The kids have been good. Ok, it has been challenging to transition from young professional to professional poopy wiper, but
we shall save that for another post. The reason I write today is to get my secret off my chest...I'm gay!

Sure, all of you know this already and could care less. But my new family has no idea. Jo is simply my roommate and I dive deeper into the closet on a daily basis. Go figure? I hoped getting a new job would get me OUT of the house. Oh, the irony.

Why didn't I just tell them? Well, for one, you never know if parents will be weird. Some actually have the false belief that we will infect their children with 'the gay.' Another huge reason I didn't share my sexuality? Jo's career. What if my new employers had friends in the military? Even if they were comfortable with my sexual identity, what if they told the wrong person about mine and Jo's relationship?

Alas, my bank account has some padding and the depression from my lonely days has subsided. But I lie, just like Jo does, about who I am. I'm finally getting up and OUT every day, only now, I'm more IN than ever.

A New Kind of Straight Bar: On Ourbiggayborhood.com

2010-03-09T18:06:00.000-08:00

Check out my new post on a great new site: http://www.ourbiggayborhood.com/2010/03/a-new-kind-of-straight-bar/

DADT Repeal in Senate: Contact Your Senator TODAY

2010-03-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

Imagine for a moment:

What would your life be like if you could not live openly with the woman or man of your choice. This is how gays in the military, and we- their invisible partners- must live each day. We hide.

As Bridget reported earlier (read here), the Military Readiness Enhancement Act of 2010 was introduced to the Senate today. This bill would REPEAL Don't Ask, Don't Tell. If passed, The Department of Defense would still conduct its study; however, they would be determining HOW to implement repeal and not WHETHER to implement repeal. In addition, the Military Readiness Enhancement Act would END discharges immediately.

The Senate needs to hear from you. Please take action now!!! Tell your Senators to co-sponsor and pass the Senate's Military Readiness Enhancement Act of 2010. PFLAG has a great site to figure out who you should contact. Learn the name of your U.S. Senators, here.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell is a disgusting law that must end. Even if this bill will not change your daily life, please help us bring change to our nation. This is an important step in all of our equal rights.

What Should You Be?

2010-02-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

"Be who you are," said the Dutchess to Alice, "or, if you would like it put more simply, never try to be what you might have been or could have been other than what you should have been." (Lewis Carroll)

It's been awhile since I just wrote. No agenda, no plea to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell...just me and my crazy thoughts about life. I can feel that I haven't been writing enough. There is a serious difference in my energy when I do.

I don't know if I've ever shared my professional background with you. Prior to moving with Jo, I had my 'dream' marketing job. The money was right, I had my own corner office and fabulous benefits. The position was exactly what I "could have been." It was the best job I have ever had, yet I was miserable. My daily professional existence sucked all of my creative drive.

I've always wanted to write in order to touch hearts and make lives better, mostly those of anyone feeling lost and lonely. I was so confused and sad during my teenage and college years. By sharing my experiences with depression and coming out, I hope that others won't feel they are on their own. And now again, I am in a situation where I often feel invisible. I write about our life under Don't Ask, Don't Tell so those of you going through it won't feel so alone. We're in this together.

With that said, I have always believed I would do this on some sort of large scale. I don't want to reach just one or two people, but really be a voice for a generation. I lost this dream for a long time. It is so fucking scary to admit that you want to go out on a limb. That you want to achieve greatness. That you want to leave everything you could be, and be everything that you are. Especially, when somewhere along the way, you may have lost yourself. Slowly but surely, I'm getting back in touch with my dreams.

And that's where we are now. Jo works crazy hours, achieving her grand dreams and providing for us so that I can achieve mine. She believes in me. Some days, lately most days, I have been letting my fear of failure (and lack of fiscal contribution) get the best of me. The only thing left? For me to believe in myself. This is the key hurdle between us and our dreams, isn't it?

So I remind you again, of the Dutchess' words, "Never try to be what you might have been or could have been other than what you should have been."

Unsure of what I "should be doing" to attain my crazy dreams, I will continue to have passion each day, write from my heart and simply be true to who I am.

End Funding of DADT Discharges

2010-02-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I really think we need to move out of this country. Our lack of equal rights disgusts me and the politicians often disappoint. Checking the morning news, I stopped at LezGetReal to see Bridgette LaVictoire's post about Senator Gillibrand's amendment to end the funding of DADT discharges. I clicked ahead with anticipation of a formal announcement.

Gillibrand is indeed proposing this amendment. Unfortunately, her intention-her integrity-has been questioned. Bruce Blakeman, an opponent against Gillibrand for the US Senate in NY, believes Gillibrand is simply trying to impress voters at this point in time. Blakeman stated, “Sen. Gillibrand’s actions are nothing more than political grandstanding in an election year. The Pentagon is examining the policy and will make a recommendation in the future. Attempting to short circuit the process to score cheap political points is irresponsible. … We are a nation at war and the last thing our troops fighting overseas need is for politicians back home to be placing their political ambitions before the mission.....Sen. Gillibrand should encourage a full and honest debate by our military leaders in determining whether “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is a policy that should be continued or repealed.”

THE LAST THING, Mr. Blakeman, OUR TROOPS FIGHTING OVERSEAS NEED is to HIDE THEIR FAMILIES. The LAST THING these troops need is one more year of FEAR.
Blakeman's comments are unfounded, inapporopriate, and an attempt at media attention- shoot! He just got what he wanted, I'm writing about it- again-for LGR.

As a member of the GLBT community that Gillibrand defends, I have never questioned her integrity. I appreciate her consistency, action and determination for our equal rights. I understand that things need to be done 'right' but words are no longer enough. I wish they would offer an olive branch in the form of defunding of discharges. While the Pentagon 'examines' the matter, Senator Gillibrand proposes an amendment that could immediately ease our fear and set the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell in motion.

In regards to Bruce Blakeman- if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Don't forget to call the White House, friends.

CBS Denies Gay Super Bowl Ad

2010-02-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

Jo left early for work this morning so I've been catching up on the news. My peaceful Sunday morning disrupted with some Gay Hate.

Super Bowl Sunday and I'm already annoyed. I don't even watch the game! A former marketing guru, I tune in to the Super Bowl each year to watch the commercials. CBS determined which controversial ads they will not air this evening. The Victim? ManCrunch

Clearly, I'm not too familiar with male dating websites, but as far as I can see, this one is no different than Match.com, except for their homosexual focus. I will admit ManCrunch's commercial is a little racy with two men in jerseys touching hands over a bowl of chips leading to an abrupt makeout session.

But aren't Super Bowl ads typically the most divisive?

Oh wait- I forgot. CBS did accept one controversial ad-the anti-abortion commercial featuring the mother of quarterback Tim Tebow. So is it safe to say CBS would rather have children asking their parents about abortion rather than why two boys are kissing?

I'm not sure why everyone considers us (gays) so controversial? Just when I think we are getting somewhere, I realize society isn't nearly as progressive as I think. And CBS is as conservative as I thought.

Check the ManCrunch Commercial

End DADT in 332 Days: Call the President, Demand Change

2010-02-02T14:28:00.000-08:00

For anyone who may have missed his speech last Wednesday, President Obama mentioned Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT); he stated repeal would occur "This Year." The following day in Tampa, referencing a moment before the 2008 Presidential election, President Obama quoted himself, "Change never comes without a fight."

We may have some initial, actual progress. The first DADT hearings in seventeen years will began today. Robert Gates declared "The question before us is not whether the military prepares to make this change, but how we ... best prepare for it. We have received our orders from the commander in chief and we are moving out accordingly."

Although Gates plans to establish a panel to study the issue, this could take a year or more. Unfortunately, when asked if the military would provide a moratorium on discharges, Gates responded poorly, "I'll get back to you on that."

Together, we will end Don't Ask, Don't Tell in 2010. There are 332 days left.
Jo and I encourage all of you to write, call, protest and pray.

A GREAT Message from SLDN:

Call the White House Switchboard

Call the White House switchboard at 202-456-1414 and tell the president to:

> Make good on his commitment to end "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and include repeal in his defense budget
> Partner with Congress so that we can get repeal done in 2010

Example Script for Your Call
Hello, my name is __________ and I'm calling from __________ (city, state).

I'm calling to urge President Obama to keep his promise to end "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and include repeal in his defense budget. This discrimination is wrong. Firing qualified service members simply because they're gay needs to stop in 2010. Thank you.

Movements for Change

Servicemembers Legal Defense Network

http://www.sldn.org/

Voices of Honor Campaign
HRC, Partnering with Servicemembers United on a National Tour to Repeal DADT

http://www.hrc.org/sites/voicesofhonor/index.asp

Campaign for Military Partners
Servicemembers United leads this initiative to reach out to, recognize, connect, and support the partners of active duty gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender military personnel
http://militarypartners.org/
SLDN

Don't Ask, Don't Tell Story Project
http://www.kirstengillibrand.com/dadtstoryproject.com/

Resource and Reality Check
http://dadtarchive.org/
Take a look at how many have been discharged for being who they are.

Obama to Repeal DADT "This Year" : Change in 337 Days?

2010-01-27T23:18:00.000-08:00

January 28, 2010

Dear President Obama,

Thank you; I am once again hopeful. You have given yourself, and us, a timeline regarding Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT). Tonight in your State of the Union address you said, “This year.”

Wow. Your words and commitment to this cause have brought our family renewed hope and faith. “This year!” Life could change for Josephine (my active duty partner) and I, sometime over the next 337 days. I will now look forward to a night of good sleep when I am no longer living in a state of heightened anticipation.

Valerie Jarnett, one of your senior advisors, was just on the Rachel Maddow show. She reassured us that repeal is something you intend to accomplish, with an action plan being generated in the coming days and weeks. Jo and I, and the LGBTQ community anxiously await this much anticipated announcement; the repeal of DADT will bring us out of hiding and enable us to live like other military families, encouraged by the supportive America you asked for tonight.

My partner simply wants to serve her country without fear. I would like to openly support her beyond the confines of our home. Mr. President, as you said, “It’s the right thing to do.”

Thank you for your word and for keeping your promise to repeal this unconscionable and
unconstitutional policy. I look forward to change in the next 337 days.

Sincerely hopeful,
Isabell James, Partner of a lesbian service membe

Gay Teachers: Victims Under Another Form of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2010-01-27T22:48:00.000-08:00

I’m always venting about the lack of equal rights for gays in the military. I pray for the day my girlfriend can Tell. But for some of you, that day may never come. There are certain professions, I am coming to find, that will always be prejudice against homosexuality. Obviously, this is also combated with the location you reside in. Can you tell there is a story coming on?

I’ve mentioned my good friend, Six. She and her partner, Lillian, live in Virginia; unfortunately, just next door to gay friendly and marriage supporting DC. Regardless, the two have a home, an adorable puppy, and a recent engagement to enter into the next phase of their beautiful life (with or without the support of their state.)

Sadly, Six does not and cannot share this life in her workplace. She is affected by a very different case of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, ” one that has never been named. Six is a teacher. She works in an inner city district, home to some narrow-minded faculty, staff and student/parent body. In fact, last year Six’s gay best friend on the job was appalled when their principal announced to the staff that She would never hire a gay person. Go figure? Two of her best teachers were playing for this fabulous team of ours.

Staying positive in difficult times is an attribute that I long to attain. Thankfully, Six is someone I typically look to for inspiration. She loves her job, her students and a private home life with Lil. She does not let her homophobic work environment get her down. Until a couple of weeks ago.

I received several calls and voicemails from my normally patient friend (most can tell you I average at least 5 days or more with a return call- something I am trying to remedy in the New Year.) I also got some nudging from her other half to get in touch with her. When we finally spoke, my view of the education system changed forever.

Six shared the story of a recent camping trip for the students in her district. Although the incident did not take place at her specific school, word of disgusting events travels fast. The teachers went as chaperons, as well as parents if they chose to attend. The trip would be one night in the wilderness.

One of the little boys had two mommies. A very homophobic district in Maryland, lesbian moms were not their biggest issue. One of these moms looked a little different; she looked a little more masculine. Parents raised concern over her attendance and participation in a sleepover in the girls’ tent (all female parents chaperoned the girls and vice versa.) Quickly, the faculty came up with a solution. The masculine mother would sleep with the boys.

Take a moment. Reread the last line. Yes, that is what I said. And yes, it is 2010.

Six asked if I was still on the line when she got to this point of the story. Normally, a complete chatterbox, I was utterly speechless. And sick to my stomach. This poor mother was being ostracized and denied a nice, memorable evening with her child. For what? Her looks? Her sexuality?

Most parents have a desire to shield their children from any pain or embarrassment. Sadly, this mother did not fight or make a scene. For the sake of her child, she left the campsite while her son slept, drove an hour home and then drove an hour back again to be there when the sunlight entered his tent.

As Six told me of her own anger, I began to cry in my kitchen. I might feel invisible as a Navy Wife, but thank God we do not have children who to feel that something is missing.

These moments in our world disgust me. When Lil and Six have children- or any of us for that matter- I want to attend field trips hand-in-hand without hesitation or fear. We must ban together to change this country’s view. I would love to see the day when Six’s principal Asks if she is married, and Six can confidently Tell. I suppose the military is not the only organization with a code of conduct in direct violation of our equal rights. We shall overcome….

Welcome to 2010

2010-01-26T05:42:00.000-08:00

I've always appreciated the expression “stop and smell the roses,” but I can't say that I have ever completely internalized the thought process. I certainly haven't practiced this way of life. Recently, Jo and I spent a good amount of time with family and friends. A whirlwind of visits and vodka, all the while we tried to stop and smell the roses; unfortunately, sometimes when you try to fit everything in, you might just hit the thorns and bleed too much to care about the delightful scent. Am I taking this analogy too far?

My lady and I ended 2009 blessed and blissful. On January 2nd, I make a list of important goals (and resolutions) I would like to accomplish in the year to come. 2010’s list includes a similar adage to “stop and smell the roses.”

I was walking our younger puppy shortly after New Year’s and I noticed how she abruptly sat whenever the wind crossed her path. She seemed to be experiencing the moment in all its glory. I imagined she was thinking, peeing on the grass can wait, but this wind could pass me by. I suppose I think of her as too philosophical; regardless, she was certainly living in the now, pausing to experience a rich moment of life. On the top of my list of 2010 resolutions is to stop for a moment each day and feel the wind against my skin.

Christmas Gift from my Navy Wife

2009-12-23T10:31:00.000-08:00

Although I call myself a Navy 'Wife,' Jo and I are not married. We can't be.

Prior to the big move, we came to explore our new base. Jo wanted to document the occasion and the next step in our lives with a gift. My first piece of Navy apparel: a sweatshirt emblazoned with "Navy Girlfriend." That is all I am and all I can ever be until the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy is overturned.

Ironically, we bought the Girlfriend gift during the same weekend Barack Obama was in Washington, DC being inaugurated as the first Black president. Jo and I hoped within a year's time, perhaps we could legally upgrade to the next level of sweatshirt: wife. But here we are, almost one full year later, living an active duty life, and I'm still wearing Girlfriend across my heart.

I received an early Christmas gift that may, quite possibly, be more special than the standard diamond ring. In honor of my blog's one year anniversary and my role in her life, Jo presented me with my very own "Navy Wife" apparel. Although I can't walk down the aisle with Josephine to make it official, in the comfort of our home and the safety of the blogosphere, I am just as much of a wife as all of those women on base. And maybe next year, the change will finally come. Thankfully, next year is right around the corner and hope is hanging in the closet.

Request to Pentagon for Monthly Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Reports

2009-12-23T06:55:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it’s this time of year, but I feel dizzy with Love and brimming with Thanks. Everywhere I turn (on the news, of course), it seems someone is speaking on behalf of our peaceful, loving community. We are so blessed to have dynamic individuals looking out for our rights and campaigning for our equality. I am thrilled to report yet another ally. This man is doing great things for the closeted gay military (which you know is a subject near and dear to my heart.)

Congressman Jim Moran sent a letter, signed by 96 Members of Congress, on December 18^th to Robert Gates, Secretary of Defense. Moran requested monthly reports of service members discharged in 2009 under the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy. These reports would detail rank, branch, and time in service. Moran asked the Office of the Secretary of Defense to provide all DADT data from January 1, 2009 until the present; the deadline is January 15, 2010.

Congressman Moran urges for the exposure of DADT discharge data in order to show the loss of national defense and level of waste in taxpayer dollars. Since DADT began, more than 13,500 service members have been lost, at a deficit of over $400 million.

For some, I'm sure this seems like a small step. However, to those of us that sit quietly in the closet, this request might as well be a pep rally. Americans-gay, straight, military or civilian- need to truly understood the determent of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. And when they do, perhaps then, change will come.

The following letter was sent to the Pentagon on December 18, 2009:

Dear Secretary Gates:

We write today with regards to the current prohibition on openly gay and lesbian service members in the military, commonly known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT).

This discriminatory policy results in the Department of Defense losing tens of millions each year in unrecoverable recruiting and training costs. The 2006 Blue Ribbon Commission’s report on DADT found that the Pentagon wasted over $360 million due to this policy from 1994 until 2003, the last year studied. Since its enactment in 1994, over 13,500 service members have been discharged under DADT, including 730 mission critical soldiers and over 65 Arabic and Farsi linguists vital to the war on terrorism.

To increase transparency on the effects the DADT policy is having on our military and by extension our national defense, we request that the Office of the Secretary of Defense provide data on the current number of DADT discharges since January 1, 2009 to the present, no later than January 15, 2010. In addition, we request monthly reports thereafter to Congress detailing the number of enlisted service members and officers discharged under the policy including their job specialty (MOS), time in the service and branch of the military. Through these monthly updates, Congress and the public will get a clearer picture of the continued costs and damage to our national security inflicted by this policy.

We appreciate your attention to this matter and look forward to a timely response.

Sincerely,

James P. Moran

From the Press Room at the Palm Center

The original letter sent to Secretary Gates can be found here.

Lesbian Navy Love

2009-12-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Paula (my editor at LezGetReal) for finding this photo...amazing!!!

But I will offer some visual, Jo is a bit more feminine:)

Sue Fulton of Knights Out Against Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2009-12-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

Although it affects Jo and I on a daily basis, my own grandfather isn't 100% in favor of repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Hence, I am grateful when someone agrees that the code is ludicrous. Especially when this someone graduated from the US Military Academy, served for five years in the Signal Corps in Germany, as a platoon leader, staff officer, and company commander and openly speaks out against Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

This woman on our side is Sue Fulton. The Sunday morning guest on Rainbow Radio co-founded Knights Out and currently acts as their Communications Director. Knights Out is an organization of LGBTQ West Point alumni with 75 graduates who are OUT. There are another 150 graduate supporters including former West Point professors, Rhodes Scholars, decorated combat veterans from the Vietnam War, Iraq and Afghanistan, and many others who are coming out and serving their country in a new way.

Knights Out takes a firm stance against Don't Ask, Don't Tell. From the West Point Cadet Prayer, the organization's mantra states "..never to be content with a half-truth when the whole truth can be won." Fulton understands our plight for equality in its true form. Fulton described Knights Out's mission as a statement of honor. They strive for full equal rights for gays in the military and the opportunity to stand up and tell the truth.

Despite her active role in Don't Ask, Don't Tell reform, Fulton discussed her previous experience as a lesbian in the military. Fulton painted a sad picture of closeted lesbian life at West Point and the lifestyle that proceeded as an active duty soldier. She was investigated in the early 1980s due to false accusations by a homophobic commander. Although the charges were dropped, Fulton described the agony she experienced during the investigation. It still " haunts her "that she was forced to lie about her sexual preference. When Daniel Choi came out earlier this year (Choi is a co-founder of Knights Out), Fulton finally experienced some liberation.

Fulton was optimistic that the initial repeal of DADT could take place within the next year. With her on our side, perhaps she might be right.

Listen to the PODCAST
Learn more about KNIGHTS OUT
Read more from Navy Wife

GUEST BLOG: Engaged in the Garden State

2009-12-13T22:37:00.000-08:00

I typically stick to discussion of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but with all of the recent marriage events, I feel I can't sit quiet much longer. Jo and I will not legally marry until DADT is repealed; therefore, marriage has not been my top issue. But let's face it, most of us dream of walking down the aisle to wedded gay bliss; and we may never get the full legal chance.

I have an old friend in New Jersey who was engaged long before there was even a civil union option. The Garden State was due to vote on gay MARRIAGE this past Thursday, yet they pushed back the vote.

TJ was filling me in on the details over a nice little Facebook chat. I thought we could all learn a something from her story, and I've asked her to share with you...

Engaged in the Garden State

I'm pretty confident that most would say I’ve led a charmed life. Born and raised in a perfect little nook on the Jersey Shore (just north of the fist pumping and hair gel), I arrived from a definition nuclear family. My coming out story was about as close to a fairy tale as you’d expect. There were some small bumps along the way, but only because I didn’t know how to properly stand up for myself yet.

Fast forward to nine years and a handful of lesbian relationships later- we have a politically obsessed, civil rights on the brain, bitter and frustrated, open-endedly engaged, TG.

So what’s it like being gay and engaged in New Jersey?

My fiance, Sasha, is probably one of the most independent and opinionated people I know. Surprisingly, though, when it comes to politics she is a little apathetic. This works out pretty well for us. I do the research and form my opinions and then I rant them to her. Some of them stick and later on I hear her repeat them with conviction and I get all warm and fuzzy inside.

For a year or two we were happy to just be engaged. We got diamond rings for each other and talked about bits and pieces of what our wedding would be like. We continuously deflected all of the questions about setting the date with the reply of “we want to wait until its legal”. After a while, some bitterness set in and our responses began to get more and more negative. We’ve even watched (straight) friends get engaged after us and marry before us.

A couple of years ago, New Jersey made a peace offering by legalizing civil unions for same sex couples. We opted not to get one. To me, right from the get go it reeked of second class treatment. My thoughts were: If it is equal to a marriage, then why not call it a marriage? We all know that separate but equal doesn’t work, so I’ll save my Brown v. Board of Ed. rant for another time and place.

The NJ Civil Union Act was enacted in February of ‘07 and within a year the Civil Union Review Commission deemed it as a failure. One point for me. Still no marriage for me, though.

In the time since this failure was noted, a Same Sex Marriage Bill has been written and just this past week was given the go ahead by the Senate Judiciary Board to be pushed through to an official Senate vote. The vote was supposed to take place on Thursday, December 10th, but was postponed at the last minute. Sponsors of the bill believed that they didn’t have adequate vote support in the Senate for it to pass.

Next month, New Jersey will have a new, Republican governor, Chris Christie. Mr. Christie publicly opposes gay marriage and has vowed to veto the bill if it reaches his desk. Our lame duck governor, Jon Corzine, has on the other hand, vowed to sign the gay marriage bill when and if it lands on his desk. So here we are, with 2009 winding down and Governor Corzine’s reign coming to an end, lobbying our gay fannies off to get the NJ State Senators to understand that equality is essential all within the next 3 weeks. The alternative? Four more years of engagement. I think I’ll lobby.

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

2009-12-10T04:28:00.000-08:00

So often, since we moved and embarked on this Navy adventure, I hop on my blog and rant about all of the things that are missing from our our life. Wow, have I had a reality check these past few weeks.

I've always been a sucker for the holiday season, but this year the holidays have been particularly special. I thought Thanksgiving would be difficult as it would be the first for Jo and I without our 'family.' However, the day arrived and I began to realize as we grow, so does our definition of family. Without the presence of our extended family members, Jo and I truly embraced the start of this new chapter for the McCafferty-James clan. We have so much to be thankful for, many blessings to count and most importantly, each other.

Thanksgiving morning began with puppy kisses to be grateful for. It was a beautiful day off with my sweetheart. We spent the morning watching the parade and preparing for a feast at our friend's house. We iChatted with family back home and Facebooked loved ones, near and far. I certainly missed my Grandmother on this first holiday without her, but the day reminded me that we must keep making memories to cherish.

Black Friday has been a tradition in our home for as long as Dad's been carving the turkey. This would be my first without Mom and sisters in tow. Again, the day was cherished and the outlets still divine. Jo and I shopped through the night, texting my family as we found beautiful sweaters for $10 and toys to send to the nieces and nephews. It is amazing how much technology can keep you together when you are away.

As we installed our new blue ray and crashed on the couch to watching a new $9 DVD, I counted my blessings instead of sheep. As a lesbian Navy wife, I sometimes forget to stand back and remember all that we do have. We, as a family (all gays, not just Jo and I) have come a long way. I am confident we will see the day when our rights are equal in this country, but for TODAY, let us be thankful for how blessed we already are.

Commander's Orders: Obama sends 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan

2009-12-01T22:11:00.000-08:00

I don't understand what this man is doing. Maybe I'm speaking completely from the heart but why can't we just get the fuck out of there???? For those of you that might have somehow missed it President Obama has agreed to send more troops. In an address to the nation this evening, he announced, "And as Commander-in-Chief, I have determined that it is in our vital national interest to send an additional 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan." You can read the full speech HERE.

I met a young lesbian, Kitty, tonight, who is dating a women stationed with Jo. Kit came over with our puppy sitter. It's amazing how the universe can bring you a new friend during a time when you both might need one. Her sailor is set to deploy next December. We don't know anything about Jo's fate with the military yet. I was desperately hoping our President would say the exact opposite of what he did.

Just needed to vent to the world...more tomorrow when I've calmed down.

A Straight Woman Stands Up to her Born Again Father

2009-11-18T20:49:00.000-08:00

I was recently catching up with my old friend, Holly. She is straight but shared a touching 'coming out' story of her own. Although Holly has always had a strong group of gay friends, her father has always had issue with it. Recently, they had a heated discussion during which Holly finally spoke her peace. By doing so, she realized how important it is for everyone-gay or straight- to defend gay rights. I asked her to write about the experience so that I could share it with you. Below, in her own words, is how Holly finally stood up to her Born Again father.

Holly, Thank you for standing up for our community. You are an inspiration.

xoxo,

Izzy

A Straight Girl's Journey to Coming Out

By Holly Avalon

Growing up in a town right outside of Hollywood, homosexuality was not an issue. I performed in show choir (yes, exactly like the TV show Glee) throughout high school and I was around more homosexual men than straight men for my developmental years. However during these same years, my father, divorced from my mother, had remarried, and within that relationship converted from casual Catholicism to strict Born Again Christianity.

As I spent my school years in show choir, learning the importance to the song Rio, I would spend my summers entrenched in “church camp” discovering my Nine Inch Nails cassette was the devil’s work, and ritualizing the destruction of it.

My father seemed to know not to discuss my choice to have ‘gay’ friends as I was always hanging with my best gays on the weekends, and it wouldn’t have gone over smoothly if he even tried to mention his unhappiness of my choice of friends. I honestly didn’t know he was as ‘far gone’ as he was, or maybe I just didn’t want to read the signs.

However, I realized he was homophobic the day I encountered a (God forbid!) lesbian while in the presence of my father. This was about 6 years ago; I had been in the emergency room for injuring my arm. My daddy, who always came to my rescue, came to be with me. He spoke with the doctors, made me laugh while they took x-rays, and made me forget I was hurt. But all the laughs subsided when my nurse came into my ER room; she had a masculine look to her, her hair was cut very short, and stereotypically, she was a lesbian.

As we left the hospital he said in a serious tone “Did you see how she wouldn’t look me in the eye? It’s unfortunate she has chosen that lifestyle.” I was astonished! Why would she care if my father knew she was gay or not? If she didn’t look him in the eye, it must’ve been because he was giving her a strange look, definitely not because she was embarrassed that she had short hair, and a low voice. I responded to his asinine comment by just staying silent. Since that incident, I was aware of his homophobia, but never approached the subject, brushing it off due to his ignorance.

Now, six years later, this subject has crept back into our relationship, which is a pretty close one. My sister has recently followed me to the big apple, and if you think I live a ‘gay friendly’ life, she moved from West Hollywood, where her regular stomping grounds were ‘The Abbey’ and her best friend is a clothing designer (she gets all of his samples at the end of the season – no fair).

Her birthday was coming up, and I really wanted to officially welcome her to NYC in a big way. So I took her to LIPS, a very famous Drag bar in the village, which has queens serving you, berating you and at the end of the night taking lascivious pictures with you. It was an absolute blast!! And we documented it all. I posted the clean version of these pictures on my Facebook, and texted my entire family to see our outlandish festivities for the “baby of the family’s” birthday (she turned 25). Within minutes I received a text from my Father saying, “How inappropriate, I can’t believe you would text me to view these pictures.” I wrote back, “I didn’t think any were inappropriate and if I offended you I apologize.” In response all he wrote was “we must live on different planets.” I laughed this off and went on with my day.

As far as I was concerned that was the end of this exchange. A few days went by in which my father didn’t reach out to me (which was rare.) I emailed him just checking in (basically testing the water) to which I received no response for another couple days. By this time I had a feeling he was harboring some animosity towards me, and knew I should just call him and get it over with. The conversation that ensued basically became my own personal “coming out”. As a straight woman, I never had to defend my point of view on gay rights, but unfortunately, I had to aggressively express these feeling to my own father.

He began, “Listen in my community, we say hate the sin, not the sinner. But I say try to hate the sin OFF the sinner.”

I was floored. He continued by letting me know he thought Jamie, my closest gay friend, who has attended Christmas parties at my father’s house, was a good person, be he completely disagrees with his life style. I was still floored and pretty quiet, just saying uh-huh, and ok.

Dad continued, "I really tried to raise you with morals, but even at close to 30 years old, you are still embracing the homosexual community!"

This is when my cork blew. I fought back, by explaining that he need not say he ‘tried’ to raise me with morals, as I have grown to be a pretty good person. And further, I had no clue he was as passionately anti-gay as he was coming across at this point. I went on to explain, that yes, he was correct in that I do embrace the homosexual community, with wide spread open arms.

I declared, "I will march with them for equal rights, and will accept them as my equal until the day I die."

He was silent. I continued by saying, he has known since I was 12 that I embraced homosexuals, as I have had gay friends since then, and I cannot believe that after over 15 years of my ‘embracing’ their community, my mind would be changed. He shot back with the fact that I blatantly shoved my gay accepting lifestyle into his life, by posting these types of pictures on my Facebook. He also noted that none of my cousins would ever post pictures like this on their profile, only his two daughters (said in a defeated saddened voice).

At this point, I was so heated; I wanted to tattoo a rainbow flag on my back and march right into his ‘community’ and berate them for being so ignorant. How can an educated man, with a huge heart for his family be so damn ignorant?! The conversation slowly died, as I told him, I will never change my opinion on this subject, as he will never change his. He tried to ask me if I truly thought homosexuality was acceptable in God’s eyes. I was saddened to the core that he would even repeat such a sentence.

I shot back, “My God would never judge. I never intended to offend you, but I will not change my opinion on this subject, and therefore will have to shelter you from it being a part of my life, thus not sharing my entire life with you."

He agreed that this was best. Sad. So sad.

My father is happy with the end of this exchange. Happy that we ‘resolved’ this issue by my agreeing to never bring it up in front of him again. I, on the other hand, cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot believe that there are such judgmental, close minded people in this world, and yet I have one who will one day be the grandfather to my children.

Gay, straight, transgendered, bisexual, Christian, Jewish, whatever you are; stand up for the rights of HUMANS. No longer tolerate this lynch mob for homosexuality. If we continue to sweep these conversations under the rug, ignorance will abound. On this day, I am coming out of the closet! As a heterosexual woman, I believe in 100% gay rights, equality for everyone, and no more acceptable ignorance. A gay couple should be able to be married, and hold the same sacred union of men and women. Who are we to judge? Who are YOU to say no to a blessed union of love? GOD loves all. Act in the name of your GOD, and accept all as they are. The abundance of accepted ignorance in this world is sobering, and until we start fighting back, it will only multiply with new generations coming into this world.

Stand up! And those of you who are straight, and brush aside the demeaning comments of your homophobic friends, stop them in their tracks. Fight for the equality of all of your friends who have been discriminated against only for their sexual orientation! Enough is enough. This is a fight against humanity that must be won. Come out of the closet with me, and fight for equality!

Gay Navy Wife Seeks Serenity to Accept the Things We Cannot Change

2009-11-17T10:38:00.001-08:00

After our night at the Cougar bar, Jo and I decided to give ourselves a treat and go Gay. We searched the area and found a gay bar within driving distance. It was Rose’s last night in town and she was very supportive of our Sapphic desires. We called our puppy sitter, packed the car, and piled in for a little road trip.

Determined to cancel out the previous night with Buzz cut, Jo and I dressed to the nines in our favorite gay gear. I ditched my dress for one of Jo’s sexy vests. With jitters in my belly, one would think it was my first time. I felt eighteen all over again as I entered a gay bar after being strictly closeted for the past six months. Getting stamped by the sexually ambiguous bouncer offered a breath of fresh air. The emotions from our previous night’s debacle washed away.

As we made way to the bartender, my smile grew larger from ear to ear. Sitting on an open bar stool, Rose leaned over to tell me how comfortable my body language had become. I was home. Although I didn’t know a single person in this foreign place, I was home.

We joined the masses on the dance floor and Jo came in behind me. The love of my life was dancing close to me in a place where we could be ourselves. Yet, so much time had passed since we had been affectionate in public, it felt oddly unnatural. I grabbed her hand, determined to overcome this out-of-body experience I was having. As a Madonna classic came overhead, we broke for a bathroom break. I asked Jo how she felt about our long awaited night OUT. Sadly, it was odd for both of us. Although we sleep intertwined on a nightly basis and kiss endlessly in our home, we were officially that awkward gay couple who were unsure how to behave outside our closet walls. How could this possibly have happened in such a short time? I was once the girl who planned group trips to Provincetown. Who is this person I have become?

And then as quickly as the homecoming came, it was gone. I noticed that there were an unusual amount of (what seemed to be) straight men. Hmmm? Certainly nothing I had experienced before but if they were intrigued or curious, good for them for coming out. Unfortunately, as I watched more closely, it appeared that these men were checking out the lesbians.

Another beer in hand, I calmed myself, We deserve this night; I will not let my uneasy feeling and these sleazebags bother me. Jo and I just need to relax.

And then my typically calm and collected girlfriend gasped and ducked behind Rose. The dreaded words that I prayed would not be spoken during our gay getaway came out of Jo’s mouth in a sad and defeated whisper, “I work with that man across the bar.”

At first, Rose and I were relaxed, despite my internal horror. If he was here, far from base, then he must be gay too. But as Jo hid behind us, we studied him. He appeared to be enjoying the women much more than the men. Who knows if our interpretation of his behavior was accurate? I do know we cannot risk Jo’s career. What if he was straight? And what if he has seen us touch or kiss? Defeated, we got back in the car after only three dances and two beers. After our first attempt at girls’ night out, I had no tears left to shed.

My grandmother, very Catholic until her last breath, must have been in the car with us on that trip home. Suddenly a prayer came to me that I heard for years growing up. Ironically, for the first time in my gay life, my Catholicism offered some peace.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.

"Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable..."

2009-11-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

Jo and I needed to let loose. Hence, Friday was “Girl’s Night Out.” In my pre-Navy existence, this would have consisted of our beautiful lesbian friends and a hot ‘girl’ party in the city. Jo and I would slow dance, kiss, and walk home, hand in hand. While we can no longer be publically affectionate, we still get giddy drunk and love dancing with our new girlfriends. For Friday’s festivities, we chose a Cougar hot spot, as our friend Candy is a recent (hot) divorcee. I love any reason to put on my favorite dress and paint on smoky eye makeup (yes, I am what you may call a lipstick lesbian.) Jo, typically cozy in her kicks, broke out heels for this rare night out.

The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all…

The evening began fabulously. We snapped photos, danced to the live band and sang loudly. Grabbing a drink and cooling down at the bar, I was approached. Tall, blond, chubby and not so handsome, he asked, “Can I buy you a drink?”

This is certainly not the first time I’ve been hit on by a man. But it was the first time I could not respond with my usual, “I don’t think my girlfriend would like that.” I suppose I could have said boyfriend, but I just said “No thank you.”

I am so proud of who I am and who I am with. Moments like this, blatant denial of who we are, make me want to cry. I suddenly longed for my lesbian haven.

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear…

My sad darkness started to close in around me and then the night got worse. Lightness was farther and farther away. Our friend Rose, single, straight and very sexy, was approached by a man with a buzz cut. As I walked up from the bathroom, Jo sharply whispered, “He’s military, don’t touch me.” I hadn’t touched her once the entire night, but that didn’t matter. Her fear had kicked in and punched me in the gut.

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it…

As Rose danced with Buzz cut, my head began pounding. I stopped ordering cocktails and began tearing up, sitting there listening to “Livin’ on a Prayer.” Regardless of our night OUT, we always have to be IN.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend...

There is no solace in this gay Navy world, just constant reminders of the fact that we can no longer be true to who we are. This will never be even CLOSE to fine.

I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before…

As I drove to get coffee and bagels on Saturday morning, "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls came on the radio (hence, the italic song reference throughout this post.) Oddly, I immediately felt peace. Jo and I may feel isolated in this new world without our lesbian network, but you are out there. Just when I seem to lose sight of the community we were so actively a part of, an iconic lesbian duo streams through the radio and pulls me out of my own trenches. Perhaps we'll be fine after all.

Silent Spouses of DADT

2009-11-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

I honestly thought I should just shut my mouth. In a hefty vomit of words one month ago, I shared my grief, depression, and loneliness. Needless to say, I put those feelings out into the universe and I only got worse. Jo was working fifteen hour days and I was a zombie. I didn’t think I should blog under that dark cloud. Unfortunately, not writing increased my depression and intensified my lonely state. I also felt incredibly guilty that I was letting all of you down.

And then I heard from you, a lot of you. Calls, emails, texts, and blog messages. Thank you for your concern and thank you for asking me to write.

During one of these phone calls, I heard from a friend I had lost touch with. She is a writer and is also struggling with getting her career off the ground. We talked endlessly and inspired each other. We both admitted to being in ruts filled with writer’s block and despair. By the end of the conversation, she had purchased a plane ticket. We were going to get each other out of this and forge forward.

Rose arrived on Sunday. In two days, I’ve used my mind more than I have in a month. I have also made a huge decision. Previously, I held back with writing the “Navy Wife” novel. I believed this story was only my own and completely based on true events. I was not working on the novel because these events needed to unfold. I thought DADT needed to be overturned before I could really tell this story.

However, I realize now that I have the capability to represent the voice of so many silent spouses. I am not only telling my story: I want to tell yours. “Navy Wife” is no longer only the lives of Isabell James and Jo McCafferty. The book will now be based on true events occurring in the lives of gay military families across our nation.

I must sign off now and get moving with Chapter One.

Until next time…

IN on National Coming Out Day: We must break free from this slavery of love.

2009-10-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have been so down lately, bordering on depressed. Many individuals use this word lightly but I’ve been here once before, and I can assure you, I know the difference between depression and ‘the blues.’ To my defense, in late August, I lost my grandmother who had lived across the street from me for most of my life. I have not been right since. Being far away from my family in a place where Jo and I cannot be a real couple has increased the emotions.

I believe in the power of positive thinking and I am very aware that my writing has been a stream of negative energy involving a discussion of things we don’t have. I have the love of my life. I have my health. And I am finally putting myself out there as a writer. However, I can’t help but feel invisible. In essence, I am.

I’ve been swimming against the current for weeks but have had my head above water until the events of last weekend. I wasn’t overly optimistic about what the President would say at Saturday’s HRC event; however, I suppose I expected more than just the ‘same old, same old.’

I should add the disclaimer: I’m an illegitimate military spouse. No matter what Obama says that may be positive to others, until I have a clear understanding of his timeline regarding Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, I will not be happy. Yes, President Obama once again eloquently stated that he would get rid of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. He indicated that he is with the gay community in that fight. But President Obama couldn’t begin to understand this fight from the inside. He doesn’t know how Jo and I feel as we begin to discuss future deployment and what that will mean for our family.    He doesn’t know what it is like to be invisible.

In regards to the Hate Crimes Bill, President Obama said, “Together we will have moved closer to that day when no one has to be afraid to be gay in America. When no one has to fear walking down the street holding the hand of the person they love.”

Ironically, this is the feeling Jo and I experience each and every day as a gay couple in the military.

Then, last Sunday was National Coming Out Day. Although I should be proud to have an amazing partner that I plan to spend my life with, this year’s Out day was extremely difficult for me. It was my first as a closeted gay American. I had friends texting from the National Equality March in DC saying they missed Jo and I. God, did I miss them too.

According to the National Park Police (NPS), there were approximately 200,000 attendees at the Gay Rights Rally. I sat in my living room, box of tissues in hand, as I watched the coverage, speech-by-speech on CSPAN. David Mixner, Democratic Political Strategist and author, was the first individual to bring on my waterworks.

He pointed out that there are different rights for the LGBT community than the rest of the country. Urging President Obama to lead Congress and not be led by congress, Mixner suggested Obama end the funding for the prosecution of DADT. As Mixner asked how many more tears will be shed until the politicians in some back room decide to join our fight for freedom, I shed more tears of my own.

Believe me, this is not the first time I’ve sat alone while Jo is at work feeling sorry for myself, but watching this rally reminded me of all that we don’t have. How am I supposed to remain positive while there is so much to fight for?

Dan Choi, Army Combat Veteran of the Iraq War who was dismissed under DADT, also spoke at the rally. I am so thankful for this man and his understanding of what we go through.   After ripping tape from his mouth, he said something that has been with me all week. I struggled with sharing my depression with all of you, but it is the reality of the situation we are in, so here I am, sharing myself.

Choi said, “You are a slave to the one you love.” Despite this fact, he went on to encourage, “Love is worth fighting for, love is worth it.” He shouted to the group on the mall and into my quiet living room, “I am telling…will you tell with me?”

As much as I want to lie in bed and feel sorry for our community, and myself, I need to stand up and Tell. I need to shake off this negativity and continue my fight.   We must break free from this slavery of love.

The Closet (with room for four)

2009-10-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

I keep a box of old journals in our office to use for motivation while writing my novel. Last night, I came across an entry I wrote a few weeks after Jo received her first active duty assignment. I was so worried prior to our big move. It is fantastic to look back and see how far I've come in just a few months. My worry has transformed into motivation and conviction to use my voice as an instrument of change.

Spring 2009

Dear Journal,

Having screwdrivers at the Tiki Bar, I met the woman of my dreams. Honestly, I’d been calling myself bi-sexual for years and had one girlfriend previously. But on a hazy summer day, this girl set me on a determined lesbian path. Everyone knew I had ‘tendencies’ but once Jo and I had our first date, I proudly waved my gay flag.

I explained to friends, “No, I really don’t miss men!” Over Blue Moons at TGI Fridays, I told my mother, “Yes, I am sure.” More importantly, I assured her, “I have never been happier.” Jo and I avoided the U-Haul for our first blissful year; however, I did receive a puppy for my birthday (around our 10^th month.) Eventually, we moved in, combined books and danced barefoot in our kitchen to Sinatra.

Our first real hurdle as a couple came in the form of Jo’s first Military assignment. We did not expect the assignment given; it is far from our families and we will know no one. BOOM. The Navy throws a wrench in our plans. My real problem is not with the location; I fear the complete lack of community. With this destination, we have many new obstacles to consider. No friends to come over and allow us to be loud and proud in the privacy of our home. The minute the additional miles entered the equation, the idea of long distance flew out the window.

Closet walls are re-appearing in my happy gay bubble. I see what the Navy has done for my girlfriend’s career and I know her descison is what’s best for our family; yet, I’m faced with a high level of uncertainty by committing to the future I so badly desire. I’m supposed to be ok with it all, but I’m scared as hell. I didn’t sign up for this. We never do I guess; we just fall in love.

But all you need is love, right? I hope the universe brings me a walk-in closet, large enough to fit my beautiful Gay family.

What are they doing in the White House?

2009-10-05T06:14:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned, I spent last week cleaning up and clearing out. In the process, I found my HOPE poster from last fall. You know the one I'm talking about; all of us die hard Obama lovers had them. Jo and I displayed Hope in our front foyer throughout the election, and kept our Hope displayed right up until we moved.

Well, here we are. Almost one year, post election and Hope has just been collecting dust in the closet. I can't help but notice the parallels for the Hope we had for this new and different presidency. And the irony that my hope is In the Closet with the rest of me.

I just did an article for LGR on the latest from James Jones, President Obama's national security advisor. His comments are hopeless.

Read "Jones on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Obama “has an awful lot on his desk”" on LezGetReal.

10/5/09-by Isabell James

Gay civil rights for the United States military is just another thing on the President’s desk.

Yesterday on CNN’s “State of the Union,” James Jones, President Obama’s national security advisor, said Obama “has an awful lot on his desk. I know this is an issue [Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell] that he intends to take on at the appropriate time. And he has already signaled that to the Defense Department. The Defense Department is doing the things it has to do to prepare, but at the right time, I’m sure the president will take it on.”

Jones indicated the President will focus “at the right time” on how to overturn the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ban on gays serving openly in the military. “I don’t think it’s going to be – it’s not years, but I think it will be teed up appropriately,” James Jones said.

Well, us gays will just wait for the President to put on his Sunday jeans and “tee off” on the gay rights issue he seemed so boisterous about during last year’s election.

Is there any light in this dark tunnel? Yes. Thank you Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid(D-Nev.) In a letter written on September 24^th, Reid asked Obama and Defense Secretary Robert Gates for a review of the cases of two U.S. officers who were discharged from the military for being gay. Reid said, “At a time when we are fighting two wars, I do not believe we can afford to discharge any qualified individual who is willing to serve our country.”

The House is considering legislation to repeal “don’t ask, don’t tell” and allow people who have been discharged under the policy to rejoin the military. Obama supported repealing the law throughout his campaign; however, action is not expected until early 2010. The White House has said it will not stop the military from dismissing gays and lesbians who acknowledge their sexuality.

634 members of the military were discharged for being gay in 2008, according to an Aug. 14 congressional report. Imagine if they lost all 65,000 gay servicemembers in the next couple of years? I bet that would be a pretty big item on Barack’s desk.

Random Ramblings: Fall Cleaning

2009-10-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

I know I have been slacking! But in my defense, I have completed our unpacking. Sweaters and sweatshirts are officially available for use (not that I'm saying one way or the other if we are in a climate where sweaters are needed.)

Anyhoo, I've organized, cleaned, vacuumed, and decluttered our little home. I admit this came about due to a small (very small- thank you, God) infestation of fleas. Once I began, I was maniacal. Damn, does it feel good; my mind cleansed and my body aches. I implore each of your to take a little time before the holiday season and get your life in order. It is surprising how this obsessive compulsive task will help pave the way for a solid road of productivity.

More to come later today, I'm feeling so inspired by my lemon and bleach scented home.

Navy Wife Goes Viral

2009-10-03T04:20:00.000-07:00

Good Morning from Navyland. ( I need to make up a fictitious location; I am too detail-orientated to leave so many facts about our home out.) First, and foremost: I wanted to update you on the goings on...I've been a busy bee.

I've been asked to write for LGR:LezGetReal.
Visit the site.

My first two articles are linked and pasted below.

You can also now follow me on Twitter!
F ollow Me.
(I'm very new to this but it is kind of addicting.)

Finally, Facebook:
Friend Me.

Following My Heart… Into the Closet: A Gay Navy Wife and DADT

Visit LGR to View Article

At the end of June, I quit my lucrative job with great benefits and vacation time. I packed up our studio and planned a night out to say farewell to family and friends. I left my very OUT life to go back in the closet; I did this for love. I followed my heart and my partner, Jo, who is serving active duty in the military.

In this closeted journey, there are good and bad days. Sometimes Jo is home for a long weekend, other nights I’m all alone wishing I could join one of the many groups for military wives. Up until now, I’ve documented our experience via my personal blog. This will be my first opportunity to reach a large-scale audience. Today is a good day and a great step in my plight for equal rights.

According to the Urban Institute, there are at least 65,000 gay Americans serving active duty. Another 13,000 have been discharged since 1994 under the DADT policy. Unfortunately, the number of invisible partners and children remains completely undetermined.

Although thrilled to speak on behalf of other closeted military spouses, I am also petrified. My family and friends share my fears. Everyone asks, “What does Jo think about ‘going public’?”

I questioned her this morning over blueberry pancakes.

“I’m deleting my Facebook,” she joked. Looking at me with those warm eyes I fell in love with, she added “I’m very proud of you. You’re not just telling our story; you are sharing the story of so many. You need to do this, Izzy. There are couples who have been living like this for decades. It’s time the silence is broken.”

With Jo’s blessing, I would like to introduce myself to the LezGetReal community. I’ve been asked to report on DADT but I must warn you, I am not your typical reporter. While I will bring you breaking news coming off Capital Hill, I also plan to share an inside perspective of the discrimination we face on a day-by-day basis.

The Washington Post/ABC News conducted a poll in July 2008, which found that 75 percent of Americans favor allowing gays to serve in the military. For a country engrossed in the gay marriage debate, why is there not a louder discussion, a stronger push for President Obama to follow through on his campaign promise to repel DADT.

While Jo and I sit and anxiously await news from Congress and the Pentagon, she could lose her job just for being associated with me. I’m not talking about holding my hand or making out at a gay club (although those are obvious reasons for discharge). She cannot be prosecuted for her gay ‘status;’ however, any evidence of homosexual conduct could get her discharged. ‘Evidence’ could include personal letters, emails, or even ownership of gay-themed DVDs. I guess I should burn our L Word collection?

Everyone affected by DADT has been too afraid to talk about it. Jo was recently in a discrimination workshop led by the military. The moderator asked for examples of discriminatory policies. One woman boldly responded, “Homosexuality.” The moderator gasped, “Wow. Yes. This is the first time anyone has ever said that.”

Jo and I were appalled but not shocked. Why would anyone mention such a taboo subject? The woman who shared her opinion openly was able to do so because she is in a heterosexual marriage.

Harvey Milk once said, “The only ways we’ve ever made advances are when we’ve named the dream. Not the crumbs, not the little pieces around the edges. You have got to name the dream, or you’ll never get it.”

My dream is equal rights for ALL of our servicemen and women. I am not simply addressing the freedom to be out. They should also have the right to care and provide for their loved ones, the same rights as their straight counterparts.

And secretly, my dream is to kiss my (wo)man in uniform just like any other military wife.

Dear Michelle: A Letter From A Gay Navy Wife

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I’m passionate about this cause, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell-well actually, gay rights, in general. However, I have never been one to write letters. I didn’t send it yet; I’m considering it. Jo is working long hours now so I need to discuss it with her when she gets home.

Today, I read something in Jo’s copy of Navy Times that really inspired me…

So I got my butt in gear and wrote this letter… Comments are welcomed.

Dear Ms. Obama,

Michelle. I’m sorry to call you Michelle; I mean no disrespect. I am one of your biggest fans.

I have been so inspired and driven because of you and your husband. I am Isabell James, a lesbian navy “wife” (we can’t make it official because my partner could be fired for trying to buy me a diamond.) As a fellow woman, wife, driven professional, and lover of civil rights, I ask you to empathize. We need your help.

In this week’s Navy Times*, it was reported that Navy and military officials are “moving out aggressively” in an attempt to end the ban on women aboard submarines. I’m hoping things go well. The article is hopeful but the last quote is a punch to the gut.

Ian Dent, who served for 23 years on Trident submarines, told the New York Times, “I can tell you emphatically that placing women on submarines would destroy the tight-knit cohesiveness necessary for the smooth operation of a submarine.”

Doesn’t that argument sound familiar?

I keep forgetting women are not equals in the military. Neither are homosexuals. It seems like such an odd argument to be having in 2009 with a black man leading our nation for the first time in history. I didn’t realize my girlfriend couldn’t serve on a sub. If I do say so myself, that sucks.

The end of this ban is a step in the right direction on behalf of the military ending discriminatory policies. Maybe you can point the article out to Barack over dinner (the girls might enjoy it too… I think it is a big step for all women to know about.) I hope he finds this possible change indicative of things to come for the military.

And perhaps he could say something about gay military rights one day soon to inspire this little gay community (all 65,000-plus family) who loved him so much last November? We’re on the edge of our seats over here. Give us something to keep from falling off.

Sincerely,

Izzy
Desperate Lesbian Housewife

DADT: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2009-09-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

Putting together an article on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell…

What do you know about it (without using GoogleJ)?

I am trying to determine how much or how little you understand.

Gay or straight, please take a moment to share your thoughts…. Leave a comment via Facebook or on blogspot.

Thanks so much,

Izzy

One is the Loneliest Number

2009-09-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday night. I am alone....again.

It's odd. Monday through Friday, 5AM- 6PM (ish), the lonely bug never bites. But when Jo works weekends, I can't seem to wear enough bug spray to keep it away. Once the lonely bug bites, it is comparable to a mosquito bite. It itches and itches and inches until you are finally able to forget about it. Unfortunately, by that time, the bite is swollen and red.

My metaphor is becoming a tangent. You get it. I am lonely.

In an effort to concentrate on my writing, I have not been my typically extroverted self in my new home. Crazy, right? No new friends to call for drinks while Jo is working. Thought process? My book will never get written at the local pub (which is my weakness and previous deterrent.) Therefore, it is Saturday night, I have writer's block, and even everyone on Facebook seems to be out and about having a lovely fall evening.

This is silly, I tell myself. I am completely capable of being alone. I do it at least once a weeknight and each weekday. Today is an exception, not the rule. I must distract myself.

I'll read...

I'm researching potential publications for article submissions. Everything I've read suggests you research at least three back issues of any publication you send your work to. You must have a clear understanding of the magazine, the section where your piece will appear and the tonality of other writers currently showcased.

My dream is to one day be a novelist in Oprah's book club. I will know I have reached the masses when I hear her say in her bellowing voice, "Isabellllllllllllll Jammmmmmmmmmes."

Hence, you can imagine why O magazine is on the top of my list (which also includes Curve and Advocate.) In an effort to squelch my lonely state, I pick up the September issue of O. The 'Connections' section is the most suitable for my genre of writing. Although the entire magazine teaches us to "Live Our Best Life," this particular section embodies human relationships.

As you can imagine, I almost skip the second Connection article entitled "Cups of Men."
However, one of those large, bold quotes grab my attention. Author, Heather Sellers, tells us, "Looking for love isn't a tragedy or a defect. It's a situation." I read on...

The three page piece depicts Heather's journey to meet various men from Match.com in an effort to censor her loneliness. At one point she writes, "The planet, which is so large and lonely and blue, and also hurtling through dark empty space. All of which you can feel when you are alone." At once, I pity this woman but know that she captures what so many of us feel. Whether you are single and lonely, married and lonely, or dating a doctor and lonely- we are all just seeking human connection. I blame Adam and Eve. Even the Creator suggests that we can't make it in this "dark empty space" alone.

So much for reading to kill the loneliness.

I'll watch an old movie, instead...

Some of you will say I set myself up with this next one. But honestly, I thought a classic starring a classic actor would cheer me up. I find Lifetime, and Ghost is on.

I'm completely shaken by Patrick Swayze's death, particularly because the bond between him and his real life wife seems so real, so strong. The pair remind me of my grandparents. I watch Ghost knowing I will cry; but think it will be cathartic. Instead of a good healthy cry, I'm surrounded by tissues hoping the neighbors can't hear my sobs. A great love story is apparently NOT something I need on this lonely night.

Still trying to cheer up...really, why don't I just go to bed?

I call my family... Another botched plan.

As I've mentioned in past blogs, my grandparents were married 56 years and my grandmother passed away a month ago.

I call my grandfather for our nightly check-in and heard him sobbing on the other end. I know he does this regularly; it does not make it any easier to hear. The words of comfort that I can normally muster do not even choke out. I quietly cry with him until we both decide to return to our lonely evenings.

You would think by now, I will just put myself to bed. Nope, that would be too easy.

I brush up on my art history...

Ok, really, I'm watching another movie on Lifetime but it is the story of Georgia O’Keefe. I love her work and assume her life story will be beautiful. Instead, the movie depicts a tragic love story between O’Keefe and her cheating husband.

My lonely evening has officially turned into an analysis of our need for human connection. Our search for our other half. The entire process is heartbreaking, isn't it? You might be a single girl searching online for love, feeling more desperate by the day; a young widow angry that your lover was taken too soon; or maybe you are lonely and heartbroken but your lover is still out there with someone else.

And then I think about the most difficult kind of love. The kind that is near perfect, lasting almost forever. But when death does do you part- what next? Would Grandpa take it all back to take away the pain he now must endure?

I'm going to be bed, but Grandpa calls. He sounds much better while he watches the Yankee game on the other end of the line. He says goodnight and reminds me to say my "Hail Mary’s" for my Grandma. I promise I will. No matter where she is, this man's heart will always belong to her. Who am I kidding? He wouldn't take anything back; I think he just wishes he could hurry up this living process to lie beside her. Isn't that what we are all looking for? Someone to love, honor and obey even after death parts us.

As I lay in bed, finally feeling a little better, my phone buzzes with a text message. My dear old friend, Mary, has just gotten engaged. My heart skips and for the first time all night, I smile. Mar has a mammoth sized heart and enough love to share with a village. I am elated that she is about to take the plunge into wedded bliss with a man who appreciates just how wonderful she is.

My loneliness is officially gone. Instead of going to bed with that itchy bug bite, I am infected with a different kind of insect. The love bug. As they say, " 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

After all, I haven't lost! I'm just living the life of a Navy wife.

Shopping on Base….for a husband?!?

2009-09-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

Jo had some extra time for lunch; she had enough time to meet me at the gate, sign me in, and escort me back to the gate after lunch. Prior to our meal at the foodcourt, we shopped around the NEX (Navy Exchange=everything is discounted and tax-free. ) I suppose some of you would call me a ‘lipstick lesbian.’ I hate the cliché term, but love my makeup, dresses and handbags, so you certainly aren’t wrong. The NEX is truly one of my most favorite parts of being an illegitimate Navy 'wife.' Jo must accompany me in and out of the store as I am not able to carry a military id; however, it is Heaven all the same. Where else, for a discounted rate, can you pick up a new computer, flat screen TV, and bohemian style purse? No matter how many times I go, the experience is blissful.

Post power shopping, our appetites called and to the food court we went. We bumped into a couple of Jo’s co-workers and they were amped to have lunch with her and her very girly “roommate.” Small, petite and not so Navy-like, Kiki might be the most upbeat person I have ever met. Her boyfriend, Luke, thinks he is an all-American dream. They are the kind of military couple you could picture sitting on the back of a red pick-up with seven brats dressed up in red, white and blue. But Kiki means well; I think.

I used to get nervous around men and women in uniform; however, the fascination and intimidation is slowly wearing off. Despite our new lunch companions, my bliss from the NEX was still radiating. For better or worse, I was more myself at lunch than I have ever been with Navy personnel. I talked endlessly about my love of the exchange.

Jokingly, I told Kiki, “Oh my God, I’m joining the Navy, just for the discounts!”

Kiki responded, “No way! We just need to find you a hot Navy man.”

BLOW. To the Gut.

In essence, mission accomplished. I’m the cute, quirky, “single and straight” roommate of their favorite classmate. Unfortunately, even if we did achieve at fooling everyone at lunch, it was a blow to my wifely ego. How many more times in my life will I need to pretend I’m looking for a good man?

KIKI, if you are listening, thanks for the offer but I must pass, I have a great (hot) WOman.

Broccoli Cheese Soup with a Side of Heartache

2009-09-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

For the most part, our life here feels pretty ordinary. Jo and I eat a home-cooked meal each night as we review the events of our day. We have recently started working out together in the evenings. Have I ever mentioned we have two pups? We have two adorable little fluff balls that we will call our babies- at least until the real thing happens (ahem, another reason DADT needs to end ASAP…the clock is ticking.)

Then there are those days, the kind of day when you realize that you aren’t ‘ordinary.’ Those moments hit you in the stomach like bad sushi. In an earlier blog this summer, I described a sad little lunchtime moment I was having. Ironically, earlier this week, Jo experienced a similar gut punch, also during lunchtime.

I believe she wears a protective cloak against the bigotry of the military. While I have an entire blog, novel, and screenplay worked out in my head in response to the injustice, my sweetheart is just happy serving her country the same way her family has done. She wakes up each day, takes off the clada ring she wears on her ring finger, and checks all details regarding her intimate evening with her lover as she shows her military id at the gate. She does not let them bring her down. Instead, she is gratuitous that they have afforded her the opportunity to achieve her life’s dream.

You can imagine my disbelief, when Jo called earlier this week with a tone of unmistakable sadness in her voice. She was at work for what would be another long day. Although they were not allowed to leave base, her co-worker was sitting there enjoying take-out. Looking past broccoli cheese soup, Jo panned right to find his wife enjoying a quiet moment with him during a hectic day.

I’ve said it before, but I will say it again. It is the simple things that make you feel the worst, the most discriminated against. I know we cannot marry. I know I cannot receive the federal same-sex domestic partner benefits. I know that I must remain under the radar and a 'roommate' even though I love this woman with all of my heart. The stuff that really gets me- and apparently Jo too, sometimes- are all of the little things, like lunch.

But be careful what you wish for; wait until you hear what happened when I actually did make it on base for a mid-day meal.

Two Lesbians and a Funeral

2009-09-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

As I work on my first novel, you will learn more about my lesbian-or not so lesbian-past. For the purpose of today, you should know that I have not always been OUT in my family. Sure, my mom questioned why my "best friend" at 18 was the only girl who ever slept in my twin bed. My younger sisters, Dar and Charlotte, quietly speculated about my sexuality in their bunk-beds. But no one was certain what my future love life would look like.

Enter Jo. Within months of our first date, I came out-loud and proud-to my immediate family. Beyond my closest relatives, I didn't feel I needed to actually come out to my extended family (second cousins, great-aunts, ect). Up until now, Jo assumed we had a rather small family. Holidays typically involved my parents, sisters, grandparents, and usually an aunt or uncle. That's it. In actuality my grandmother was one of four and grandfather the youngest of thirteen. There are countless cousins and the cousins are having baby cousins. Unfortunately, we only get together for weddings and funerals. Sad, but true.

With this knowledge in mind, preparing for my grandmother's funeral, in an odd way, felt like we were gearing up for a family reunion. Great-aunts and distant cousins were flying in. My favorite Cape Cod Cousin would be making the long, arduous drive. The anticipation of seeing my family kept me going. Although the week of Gram's funeral was the hardest of my life, I felt blessed. Jo was granted leave. We weren't sure they would let her come, but at the last minute, my Gram must have worked her magic in Heaven. The time had come: Jo would meet the family.

At a traditional wake, the immediate family typically stays up front to greet individuals as they come to pay their last respects. Similarly, in church during the funeral mass, you walk up the aisle like a bridesmaid would. It was all so odd to me. During this personal, agonizing time, I needed to smile, say hello, and let everyone know what I've been doing for a decade (the last cousin was married in 2000 so it’s been awhile since we’ve all gotten together.)

And there was Jo; the forth, tallest daughter at the end of the receiving line. I'd been prepping her all day. Aunt V is married to Gram's brother, Dick. Betts was Gram's sister flying in with her daughter. After two years, many family members had heard something about Jo or at least the fact that I had moved far away for an un-disclosed reason. My cousin from the Cape actually bee-lined towards the casket in order to finally meet the girl who stole my heart.

It couldn’t have gone better. Jo already fit so naturally with my parents and sisters, it almost feels as though she's been with us forever. Aunt V commented that her and I were so at ease with each other. (well, duh?) I had no idea we were being so 'out' but I suppose that's what happens when you are distracted by something much more important.

Jo provided her support, both emotionally and physically during those difficult days. For some, I’m sure that type of outward same-sex affection was completely new. But everyone, from nine to ninety, embraced us, wanted to meet her, and wish us well. I know I am lucky; not all families are so supportive.

For those of you that cannot be yourself 100% of the time, persevere. It won't always be this hard. My family reunion 'coming out' day was eight years in the making. I'm officially ready to do it again under happier circumstances. Maybe next time at a big gay wedding?

Great Love

2009-09-09T20:43:00.001-07:00

I have just returned home after 16 days at my grandparents. I spent the first week saying farewell to an amazing woman, making her comfortable in her final days. The second, more intense week, involved the planning of a two-day farewell (funeral) for our family and friends. So much has happened in the past two weeks that I think the next several blogs will be devoted to specific events.

In the meantime, I would like to share my final Eulogy to my grandmother. I wrestled with posting this, fearing it may be deemed morbid. Luckily, the subject matter seemed very fitting for a blog about following one's love.

***

There are not many individuals who can actually walk 'through the woods" to their grandmother's house. Darnel*, Shelly, Nina and I were very lucky to have her so close by. Grandma always had our favorite snacks ready and lots of questions about our day. I thought a lot about which memories I would share today. Although I want to be selfish and tell you about the best grandmother on earth, I need to tell you a love story.

It was August 1950, 59 years ago. Donata* and her friend Helen were on vacation at Echo Lake Farms. Jim "Red" O'Brien was also there with Sal Fatone. Despite Italian heritage and her hesitation about red hair, Donata was taken with the young Irish man.

As Grandpa would say, "she gave me class" and in return, he gave her his heart. I learned everything I need to know about love from my grandparents. During slumber parties, before humming us to sleep, Gram shared her life's advice.

"Izzy," she would say, "Make sure you find someone that takes care of you the way that Grandpa takes care of me."

She said this years go. Little did she know, he would become her nurse in the final months. And his name would be the final word she would say. Until her last days, if you asked Grandma what she was thinking about, she would say, "walking." She longed for one more afternoon with her love by the inlet. In spite of her worsening condition, she always tried to have her meals with Grandpa at the kitchen table. If he left her side for too long, she called out, "Jimmy!" And gripped his hand upon his return.

In February the prognosis was not good. It was unlikely that Grandma would reach her 80th birthday, but she always did love surprising us. Here we are seven months later with even more memories to cherish.

In Shelly's reaching from the New Testament she stated, "Hope does not disappoint." I truly believe it was my grandfather's hope, love and devotion that kept her going these last few months.

Our entire family is lucky to have witnessed this Great Love.

In Donata's honor, I hope we all remember to dress as fashionably, accessories in tact; keep our homes as impeccable; care as deeply as she did for others; and love as passionately.

I love you, Grandma.

______________________________________
*a reminder that all names on NAVY WIFE have been changed.

Vacation

2009-08-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

Please excuse my 'vacation.' We've barely begun and I have already taken off (for those that know me, I'm sure you are thinking, 'typical.') I assure you, my week off has not been entirely pleasant. In fact, I would say it was a melancholy week, marked by spectacular events. Go figure.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...Here's the week's recap, with a different number to represent each day I've been MIA:

10: Although the week ahead would be difficult to say the least, my first night in town couldn't have been more magical. As noted the last time I wrote, Cate and Abe were high school school sweethearts who married after ten years together. The genuine love they have for each other is evident. The two embody the expression "I'm in in love with my best friend" and for their first dance they did a choreographed number to prove it.

I did in fact refer to Jo as my partner (despite my hesitation); however, seeing my two old friends celebrate their future together only enhanced my own desire to move forward with my other half. It was the kind of night which reminds you that you are Lucky to be in love.

67:

I spent day two of my trip making the rounds you must when most of your family lives within a three block radius. It was that evening that kept me going. I had plans to meet up with some of my favorite college friends: Lillian, Six (yes, like in Blossom), and Bean (every good lesbian has a nickname.) Bean was even bringing her new girl and we were all pumped to meet her. (Before I get too serious, she really was fabulous...yay, Bean!)

I could not wait to see the girls but knew there would be a cloud hanging over us.

Six had spent the day prior laying her Nan to rest. Nan was 67 years old. It struck me as so young. My own grandmother was 80; grandpa even older. That night I saw the pain in Six' eyes and listened intensely as Lil has the epiphany that life really must go on. We laughed harder that night than I had in a long time. And we cried.

It was a hard evening but probably one of the most real I've had in a long time. I suppose it's the hard times that make you realize who means the most.

80:

I was just about to recap the time I spent with my grandmother during my vacation week. My laptop was open and my fingers were on the keyboard when the phone rang. Grandpa was on the other end, sobbing. It was not an unexpected phone call; however, the pit in my stomach was deeper than I could have imagined. My blog would have to wait; I had to fly home and say goodbye to my Grandma.

What should I call her?

2009-08-07T06:53:00.001-07:00

I'm in the airport waiting for my flight to board. First off, please ignore any typos as this is my first official post from my new blogger app and I'm still adjusting to the new technology. Second of all,
I'm so glad you guys are enjoying my rants and raves... Keep the comments coming- very encouraging!

Anyway, I'm headed back home for an old friend's wedding. I've known Cate since the fifth grade when we both wore Catholic school girl uniforms. We originally got acquainted because I told on her for talking in the bathroom.... I must have been intimated by the curly haired blond girl or I was just a bitch; regardless, we are close after all the years and tonight I will see her marry her high school sweetheart.... So exciting!

Drinking my required pre-flight screwdriver, I got to thinking about my own sweetheart. Jo won't be able to make it to this evening's nuptials (thanks to my little sis for playing wingman.) We are at that age though where she will undoubtedly come up.

I hear it now, "So Iz, what are you doing now?"

It should be noted that not everyone at this event will know that I'm gay. Most have not met Jo. Answering this question becomes a bit of a balancing act. It all comes down to who I'm speaking with.

My Partner: I almost feel uncomfortable using this expression. She is completly my partner in every sense of the word but we have yet to "make it official." Although I feel that calling her my partner might give the impression that we are "married," there are times when I will use it anyway. A certain generation will just not understand my lifestyle if I use the term "girlfriend."

As Cate and her Cuban love become man and wife, I will continue to call Jo my gf/partner until I too can call my love my wife... Or at least until I can upgrade to fiancé.

Planes about to take off... Until tomorrow....

Lesbian Without Lunch

2009-08-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

In this daily closeted journey, there are good and bad days. Sometimes Jo is home for a long weekend, other nights I'm all alone. That is the life of the military and I'm slowly getting comfortable with the role of Navy 'wife' (not that anything is official.) Today is a bad, well more disappointing. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but here goes.

I've taken on the role of housewife and my afternoons in the kitchen have come to feel therapeutic. Picking up Gourmet magazine and watching Giada at Home, I've learned the basics and stolen some great recipes. If I do say so myself, I'm getting pretty good. Yesterday, I even baked muffins.

I love this new role and take pride in my daily creations (both on the page and in our bellies.) Each evening after the kitchen is cleaned and dishwasher started, I prepare Jo's lunch for the next day. Call me old-fashioned but I enjoy caring for her after a long day. She spent the day working hard in uniform, the least I can do is prepare a nutritious, delicious mid-day meal. I alternate between packing her blue lunchbox and my black and white plaid lunchbag.

I digress. Back to bad days....

This morning I opened the refrigerator to see this afternoon's lunch sitting where I had placed it last night. I immediately got excited; I can bring it to her at lunchtime and we can spend the extra thirty minutes together. That feeling sunk; we are in the Navy. I do not exist and even acting as a roommate, I could never get on base.

It seems insignificant to most of you, I'm sure. Particularly, if you are straight. The thing is it's another one those moments when I am forced to remember that we're not like everybody else. According to the military of this country, the healthy, happy relationship that Jo and I have only exists behind the gates of our apartment community.

Jo will just have to get something from the cafeteria. And I will go back into therapy, perhaps today with Paula Deen.

Name the Dream

2009-07-30T10:19:00.001-07:00

At the end of June, I packed up our studio, took the pups to our favorite groomer and planned a night out to say farewell. Following a week of rest 'down the shore,' my two sisters, two puppies and I packed up my old gold Lexus and drove to meet my girlfriend at our new home. Jo went active duty earlier this year and I stayed back to wrap up lose ends before I relocated. Unfortunately, I will not disclose the location due to DADT, but it is certainly a change of pace.

Since I accompanied Jo, I have been wearing an invisible poncho to shield the hurricane of questions. Everyone loves to ask 'So what are you doing?' or 'What are you going to now?' I've been avoiding the phone, Facebook chat, and even evenings out with new friends. It wasn't until last weekend that I realized I've perpetuated this worry and concern from my friends and loved ones.

Jo's best friend from college was in town and we were catching up over cocktails at one of the local bars. Bryn is an Irish beauty, retired track star and driven grassroots activist. Wearing a track t-shirt from their alma mater, Brynny was approached by a middle-aged balding bar-fly with a lame attempt to introduce himself. Turns out they know the same athletic trainer and Baldy had a great Mexican restaurant suggestion for dinner: totally worth the awkward scene of his flirting attempt.

He eventually turned the conversation away from the grassroots runner to me "And what are you doing down here?"

"Me?" I giggled, "I unpack, lay by the pool. I'm trying to write."

He smiled sympathetically and threw out an unconvincing, "Good for you." As he walked away, the barrage began.

"You need to own your writing, Missy." Bryn instructed. I was speechless and she was right. "You have talent and the time. Now, harness your vision and do it!"

My inability to take ownership for 'what I'm doing down here' has been a theme since I moved. I make jokes, act awkward and never, ever tell anyone that I have a grand plan. But the truth is, I've started my novel (well, again) and freelance projects, joined the state writer's association and signed up for an upcoming conference. I don't know why I can not confidently declare, "I am a writer." It did take me six and a half years after my first girl-on-girl kiss to call myself a lesbian; I suppose I attach labels at a slightly slower pace.

This weekend, I found an awesome quote in "The Advocate." Dustin Lance Black, using a Harvey Milk metaphor, inspires, "The only ways we've ever made advances are when we've named the dream. Not the crumbs, not the little pieces around the edges. You have got to name the dream, or you'll never get it."

Hmm....my dream? Through writing, I would like to continue the quest towards equal rights for all and unify the gay community by bringing them out of the closet and into a more mainstream light.

Ok, Dustin and Harvey. I am a writer. Now, I just need the backbone to say it with confidence and the momentum to achieve the dream.

The Great Healthcare Debate

2009-07-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

Here we are, the end of July and instead of enjoying the lazy, hazy days of summer, we all seem to be worried about healthcare. How should we solve the great crisis facing this country? Well, I'll admit, I'm more caught up with the outcome of the 'beer discussion' at Barack's.

What I am worried about is my own healthcare debate. On Friday, my insurance with will run out (since my contract ended at the end of June.) The federal government will subsidize a good percentage of my Cobra (extended insurance coverage when you are unemployed) but the cost would still be an additional monthly payment in an already tight budget of a Millennial.

Whoa is me:( I can't marry into the Navy insurance which is a shame with Barack's recent announcement of Federal employee benefits extended to same sex couples. As my girlfriend would say, "What gets more Federal than the Navy?"

To pay for Cobra or live on the edge?

Unless, we found another (male) Navy couple in the same debate. Double wedding? Hmmm...Bad idea?

Indulge Your Cravings

2009-07-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the Today Show which honestly educates me on so many levels. Who would have thought? I can make dinner, crafts and start my own small company all from a morning with Matt, Meredith, Al, Anne and Natalie:) This morning they even did a segment on Provincetown! Jeez...the life of a housewife has really sucked me in...

I just saw a commercial which indicated I should indulge my cravings...I realized for the first time in my life, I am. It's not what you think though. I've always viewed both "indulge" and "cravings" to be bad things as I'm sure you do. However, I'm indulging my inner creative cravings. My craving to take a plunge, a risk and become everything I'm hoping to be. I sat at my desk job with a drowning feeling, suffocating in an 8 x 8 beige box, a soft buzzing PC in the corner of my L-shaped desk. I abandoned job security, health insurance and my private space of office space to Indulge My Craving. I've never felt better and I think I may have found a preventive measure for depression: enjoy your life.

I hope I don't sound arrogant; I just realized this might be received as bragging, but that is not my intent! I share this nugget hoping to encourage others to take the plunge. The fact is, while I loved the security that came with the over-sized copier down the hall, following my heart (and off-limits Navy Girl-gay, shh!) was scary and overwhelming, but the best move I've ever made. Indulging your cravings is supposed to be deliciously dangerous, is it not?

Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence.

2009-01-05T11:03:00.000-08:00

I apologize that I have not written. I could blame the holidays or my hectic social calendar during the month of December. The truth is, I got scared.

About a month ago, I had the unfortunate experience of being the 'subject' of someone's blog. A 'friend' shared intimate details of a particularly bad day, and proceeded to use my bad day as a platform to depict her own thoughts and feelings. It was hurtful and inconsiderate, thus I grew nervous continuing my own writing. I never want any of you to feel as exposed as I did. Although I plan to expose myself through my writing, that is my choice, on my time clock and I decide which dirty little details to include.

Ironically, at the time this so called 'friend' published her blog, I had been drafting a disclaimer (see below: written in early December, pre-mean blog incident):

In a recent brainstorming session, I had an epiphany which drastically changes my first novel. I won't give away too much, as I want you to read with vigor when you are finally bestowed an advanced copy; but I did want to devote my blog today to a discussion of "Sensitive Subject Matter" that may appear.

Although this topic came up regarding my novel, I think it is extremely applicable to my blog, perhaps even more so. Many writers naturally draw from life experience; however, my first novel will be written in memoir form, so you can imagine how real this is going to get. I can't promise you will always like what I have to say, how I say it, or the fact that you (any of you) came up at all. I came up with this disclaimer: You might come on one day to read my thoughts and find me 'thinking' (writing publicly on my blog) about you. I ask for forgiveness if I crack jokes at your expense. I ask for forgiveness if I paint you through my creative lens and it is not the same way you view yourself. If I do any of the aforementioned while blogging, feel free to post a comment. Who knows, maybe we'll find that we enjoy the banter as much as Rosie and Elisabeth did on the View. Just don't kick me off the show if you don't like what I have to say.

Bizarre, right? I can't even take the irony of the whole thing. I was so hurt when I visited her blog, hours after this girl left my house, and had to re-live the whole bad day. In the event that any of you read the distasteful 'Examination of the M Word,' I ask that you remember: Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence.

Don't worry, my friends (the real ones, you know who you are.) I have learned a great deal from this experience. I am not the type to crack jokes anyway! Nor will I use your personal experience for my shameless entertainment. I write from the heart and will continue to do so. But never at your expense.

I leave you with the following (I guess this is my own 'Examination of the M(arriage) Word'), courtesy of Mark Twain:

"After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. ~Adam, in Adam's Diary

Random Ramblings: We are what our thoughts make us.

2008-12-04T08:19:00.000-08:00

I feel inclined to share my life's mantra today. The more I believe in my own bottom line, the more it reveals its power in my life. No, I'm not a member of Scientology (although I'm intrigued); I believe in the law of attraction.

We are what our thoughts make us.

This is the fundamental belief behind the law of attraction. I was introduced to The Secret, a discussion of The Law of Attraction, about two years. Besides myself, my girlfriend, and some positive friends, I'm noticing that highly successful people have this way of thinking.

Honestly, I'm not going to shove this down your throat. Upon my initial discovery, I did that. I actually drove people away who were just too negative to believe. At the very least, I'm introducing the powerful concept to those that might be interested.

I believe that controlling my thoughts will drive me towards success more rapidly. Using the power within my own being, I can create the life I have always imagined as an accomplished writer who really touches her readers' lives.

So mull it over. Also, notice that this can work with negative thoughts as well. If you continue to think negatively, the negative with manifest.

Just try it...Believe and Receive.

My Pen Name: Isabell James

2008-11-24T18:10:00.001-08:00

Due to my naturally spastic nature, I have decided to take a pen name. The reason for this drastic measure:

The love of my life, my girlfriend, Josephine, Jo for short.

Brainstorming for my book and blog, I realized I really shouldn't openly open my mouth with my name attached. If NAVY WIFE is searchable to the public, my name would be on it. My name which is 'Googleable' professionally and also ties me to Jo (all over Facebook, but still.) Some of you might suggest that I'm being paranoid; however, those familiar with "Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT)" will agree that this step MUST be taken, as a precautionary method. If the Navy were to discover my existence in Jo's life, they could discharge her. Yes, she could lose her job, serving her country in the United States Navy, just because we love each other. So for now, I'm ghost writing my life.

Isabell James was not my attempt at a pornified pen name (as my friend, Jeremiah, so eloquently pointed out on Saturday over my Magic Hat #9 and his glass of Riesling.) Being the sensitive soul that I am, don't make fun of the name too much-embrace Izzy, Isabell or Ms. James (whatever you would like). And enjoy the interesting journey that lie ahead.

Welcome

2008-11-24T15:53:00.001-08:00

I've been calling myself a writer for years. I journal, daydream about characters, and start endless novels (mostly first pages.) Problem is: I don't ever share my work. Although I call myself a writer, I feel it won't be real until I expose myself to criticism, to my friends, to anyone who might like to listen. Today, something happened. My 'now or never' moment in the form of a terrible stomach pang and overall sinking feeling: this was it.

Mid-day, the moment came via my alumni newsletter.

Communication alum has recently quit her job to promote a three book series for young adults. Her blog included pictures, her book signing and the "New in Paperback" display in Barnes and Noble.

My stomach churned as I pictured my own perfect head shot on the cover. This grad was only five years older and it had taken her the previous four to reach this moment. I had a sinking feeling that this could be me; no, it will be me, but when? I need to get started.

This is it. Here. Now. (I'll admit-I'm actually quoting this week's Lipstick Jungle, but it is applicable.)

Hence, welcome to my blog. Ironically, I started my first novel earlier this week. I guess I'm hoping to work out my writing kinks on here, way before I need to reveal the real thing. On a side note, if you're still interested, I invite you to share this experience with me- the novel writing one that is. I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I have a regretful Communications Degree and a few years of copy writing experience. But I do have passion. And a desire to connect people- and with people- through my writing...